Something has to change...

Change is definitely needed

My body is at its end

The chemo and immunotherapy have been effective

In reducing the size of the tumor

But the reduction seems to have plateaued 

As shown by another CT scan today

And...it has also taken a huge toll

My body is shot!

It is extremely weak

I am in constant pain

And the only way the pain has been able to be managed lately

Is by continuing to increase the daily dosage of the steroid that I'm taking.

Not the life that I want to live.

(This may be a little intense to be sharing?)

So...what's next?

I had a Zoom consultation today with the radiation oncologist

And this is the plan...

Tomorrow, Tuesday, December 29th, 2pm

I will have a CT Simulation as described below:

A CT simulation includes a CT scan of the area of your body to be treated with radiation. The CT images acquired during your scan will be reconstructed and used to design the best and most precise treatment plan for you. The simulation portion of your radiation therapy regiment ensures that your treatments will target the area of concern, while missing surrounding critical structures.

The importance of this scan is due to the extremely close proximity the tumor is to my heart.

It actually overlaps my heart and though separate from the heart

Any radiation has the potential of impacting my heart

Due to the heart being a moving organ while radiation would be happening

Not to mention my lungs

Which are also in close proximity and moving as I breath.

I think you get the picture of the complexity of radiating the tumor

In such a confined space!

The results of the simulation scan will be evaluated leading to

TWO possible radiation solutions

And the hope that the tumor can be reduced in size

Extending my life

 

Solution #1 - Photon Radiation

This would take place in Bremerton

And probably be a daily treatment for 5-6 weeks.

There is greater risk of impacting the heart with this radiation

Causing some scar issue to the heart

As the photon radiation, despite careful calculations

Will not just stop at the tumor

But, to a degree, continue past the tumor and impact the healthy tissue of the heart.

There is a 10-15% risk of this happening.

 

Solution #2 - Proton Radiation

This would have to take place in north Seattle

Through a referral to SCCA and UW

And also, I believe, be a daily treatment for several weeks.

We would probably move to Seattle 

Rather than commute every day for a month and a half.

Proton radiation would obviously be preferred

As the radiation stops at the tumor

And would not overflow to the healthy heart tissue.

The glitch?

SCCA and UW would need to accept a referral from the local radiology oncologist

That I'm working with

(And she is beginning that referral process)

And...our insurance would have to agree to pay for it

(It is extremely expensive!)

 

We are looking at about a two week process to find out 

If the proton radiation is a possibility 

Or if only the photon radiation is an option.

 

Then...time for the BIG decision!

What do we do?

There is no question that continuing chemo/immunotherapy 

At this time is NOT an option.

My body can't take anymore right now.

 

So...calling all praying people

To please PRAY for wisdom for us in knowing how to move forward.

We are definitely at another crossroads

In this cancer journey...

Sound familiar?

 

To be honest

As I told Cindy this evening as we were talking about these things

(Heavy things to be talking about before a game of cribbage!)

Some times I just want to give up!

Yep

It's been a tough go the last days...

But, with God's strength,

I will keep on keeping on 

IF that is God's intention for me and my life

IF it is more profitable for me to remain with you all

Than to be with Jesus

Blessings,

Dave

P.S. Don't ever forget how much I appreciate you all!

Is JOY possible in this journey?

Joy is a pretty important theme running throughout the Bible, appearing 179 times in 171 verses.

One such passage emphasizes that "the joy of the Lord is our strength".

I haven't felt it...

I've found peace in my weakness and pain in this cancer journey

Though I've lost and regained it a few times these last couple of weeks 

As I've continued to struggle since my last blog with the affects of the ongoing chemo

And its mounting impact on my body.

(The past two weeks have been HARD!)

But JOY?

I can't say that joy has been part of the equation.

It's like I have learned that I can be content in my weakness

Trusting and seeing that good is happening in the midst of the cancer evil

But...to have joy?

That just seemed like a stretch.

Of course, there are certainly moments of joy...

For example:

Two days ago to Facetime with our granddaughter, Lena, on her eighth birthday

And to witness and experience her joy with her.

Yesterday, to Zoom with my older sister, Deb, and husband, Mike, on her birthday 

And enjoy sharing memories both past and present

Some of which included the friendly rivalry of the 49ers and Seahawks!

And, then again yesterday, to spend the day with our youngest daughter, Stephanie

On her birthday eating Quiche and drinking Bailey's Irish Cream milkshakes!

Yes...there are certainly moments of joy

But, JOY IN the cancer journey...

Hmmm...is it possible?

Let's say, at this point, that I'm doing a lot of thinking about it and working on it!

Because peace is great

But...JOY adds another dimension, doesn't it?

That makes this journey not merely one of surviving, but thriving...

I like the sound of that!

So, how could it be possible?

I was reminded of the following verses from a remote little book at the end of the Old Testament

And they are GREAT and exactly what I needed in wrestling with this joy thing.

Take a look at them...they might be of encouragement to you also!

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (Message Translation)

"Though the cherry trees don’t blossom
    and the strawberries don’t ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
    and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are without sheep
    and the cattle barns empty,
I’m singing joyful praise to God.
    I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God’s Rule to prevail,
    I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
    I feel like I’m king of the mountain!"

Good stuff, huh?

Everything was totally and absolutely BLEAK for Habakkuk...

Almost makes my cancer journey seem like a cakewalk

And he is turning cartwheels of joy!!

Is he crazy?

Why is he?  How can he?

"Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength"

I think that may capture the issue for me...

It's a matter of what or who is in charge of what is going on with me and my cancer journey.

What is in control here of my fate, my future, my body, ME?

Cancer?  Chemo?  Doctors?  Radiation?  The Hope of something new?  Me?

There is so much uncertainty in any of these answers

They all leave so much room for preventing and stripping away joy.

But...IF I know that God's will and rule will prevail

And...IF I know that His will is always good and He loves me like crazy

Then...

What in the world is there to prevent me from experiencing

Incredible and daily JOY throughout this cancer journey?

From doing cartwheels of joy!

And, again, I hope you realize that I'm not talking about some Pollyanna  kind of joy

But, real, deep, genuine JOY!

Okay, okay,

This may have gotten a bit preachy for some of you...

But, it's really just me trying to share the reality of how I'm walking this journey

While seeking to find in the midst of 

What can seem like living on death row

LIFE!

And that pretty much could describe where all of us are at, can't it?

Blessings,

Dave

I Don't Know If I Can Keep Doing This...

Yep.

Those are the exact words that I said to Cindy more than once

Over the past 48 hours

As my body has been wrenched with pain

Coming out of my last chemo/immunotherapy treatment last Friday.

This cancer journey can be nasty!

As the chemo has continued

So has its toxicity and negative impact on my body

Resulting this time in such excruciating bodily pain

That I could only compare it to the pain my body was going through

In January when I was admitted to the hospital

In such bad condition that

It was thought, unbeknownst to me, I might only have days to live!

In the good, bad and ugly part of the cancer journey

This was definitely the ugly.

I don't do pain well

Especially when it goes on and on and on

And dominates my thinking and functioning.

I lost my peace.

I was troubled.

All I could think about was the pain that gripped my body

And was wreaking havoc in my soul

Obviously magnified by the already weak state of my body

From almost two years of cancer treatments.

This isn't the encouraging kind of blog that you'd hope for...

Dave thriving in the midst of his pain

It is just reality.

And, its good, in case you ever wondered...

Dave, isn't some kind of strong, super hero

Sailing through this cancer journey

For you all to admire and marvel at how he does it!

Oh, no!

But someone struggling and learning to trust and persevere and hope and thrive

One day at a time

Just like you would.

And, my journey is "peanuts" compared to what some of you are now going through:

A young daughter fighting cancer

Parents who had to rush their young son back to the hospital today with a serious infection

A daughter on a ventilator

Parents who lost their baby earlier this year

A son who still struggles after many weeks in the hospital and therapy

To overcome the affects of contracting COVID

And the list could go on and on...

Detailing the pain that is part of our daily lives.

The pain that seeks to overcome us

Debilitate us

And prevent and steal our peace.

Thankfully, for me,

My doctor prescribed a steroid today

That broke the intensity of the physical pain

And brought a measured calm to my body

After the 48 hours of torment.

Note: I definitely would NOT be writing this blog if I was still in the throes of the pain!

Then...

Cindy read some Psalms (which give great perspective)

Played the piano (which is amazing therapy for me!)

And prayed for my peace to be restored...

And IT WAS

Hallelujah!

My body is exhausted from the past 48 hours 

But my soul is again at PEACE

And I am so thankful.

In the same way

I pray for God's mercy and peace

For my friends mentioned above

Who are still in the thick of their pain...

And many others like them

Maybe you?

May God's mercy and peace 

Bring healing to your bodies and peace to your souls

Thank you again for listening,

Dave

Decision Time

Yesterday, December 11th, was my every three weeks chemo and immunotherapy treatment 

Proceeded by meeting with my oncologist.

The focus of the time was definitely on how extremely weak I've become 

Why it is so and what to do about it

As it has become quite discouraging and concerning 

To be so weary and weak all the time.

It was also the most concerned I've seen my oncologist in awhile

As he could tell that something is definitely taking a toll on my body.

After discussing the possible contributors to this debilitating weakness:

Accumulating chemo/immunotherapy in my system,

Cancer growth,

Increased Medications (steroid, blood thinner);

My oncologist is thinking that the blood thinner

Which I was put on for the cardioversion procedure

Might be the main culprit.

He was going to text the cardiologist 

And I also have an appointment 

With the cardiologist this coming Tuesday.

To see if as a first step

I can be quickly weaned off of the blood thinner

To see if that turns things around.

My oncologist is also taking me off of the steroid beginning tomorrow

To see if that will help improve things.

In one of my previous blogs "Success" 

I mentioned the possibility of radiating the tumor

Because the echocardiogram showed a separation between the tumor and heart.

In following up with the oncology radiologist

She recommended waiting to see if the tumor 

Could continue to reduce in size first, to enhance odds of successful radiation

Especially as close as the tumor is to the heart

And the fact that the heart is a constantly moving organ

That they will be working in close proximity with virtually no space between.

Now...with my body's increasing weakness,

My oncologist has referred me again to the radiologist for a consult

To see if sooner rather than later might be a good idea to proceed

While my body has some strength to undergo the radiation.

(This would happen IF quitting the blood thinner doesn't reduce my weakness)

This would lead to two decision options:

1. Radiating the tumor and some other known cancerous nodules 

While continuing the chemo/immunotherapy at the same time.

This would be the most aggressive approach

To get the best possible result the quickest.

2. Radiating only the tumor

While continuing the the chemo/immunotherapy if my body can handle it

Or, just radiating the tumor, followed by a return to the therapy after the radiation.

That about sums things up

And the wisdom we seek both for the doctors and ourselves

As we ponder these major decisions.

I will also be having another CT scan in a couple of weeks

To assess the size of the tumor

And whether it is growing, shrinking or staying about the same size.

As a part of the decision-making process.

Thank you for standing with us.

These are all heavy decisions and weigh heavy on our hearts

As we ponder them.

Grieving Loss

Cindy and I were looking forward to an outing today...

Getting out together on a gorgeous sunny day,

Maybe the last one for awhile,

As the weather forecast looks like a lot of rain ahead

Fancy that in western Washington!

Our hope was that I would have the strength 

To walk a not -too-strenuous trail

And be able to enjoy God's amazing creation together.

We ended up at the Bremerton watershed

Along with dozens of other people 

Looking to enjoy the sunny day

And started up one of the trails.

The key word here is "up" one of the trails!

It became clear pretty quickly 

That "up" was steeper than my body could handle

Though I could have easily handled the simple incline in the past.

And then it hit again...

And the enormity of my physical weakness

Once again overwhelmed me

And I was overcome with sadness...

Not hopelessness

Not anger

Not bitterness

But...a deep sadness over what I have physically lost

In this cancer battle/journey.

So...Cindy and I spent the next several minutes

Crying together as we walked

Grieving the loss that I have experienced in this journey.

BUT...

Please understand that I'm not writing these things

So that you will feel sorry for me, for us,

But to communicate both the rawness of the journey

I.e. the Loss

And the unimaginable impact this journey is also making on me

I.e. the Gain

(Because of the Loss)

Let me list a few:

1. Peace

I've talked about this already

But it is so amazing that it bears repeating!

I think this blows me away more than anything else.

I never would have imagined that I could have deep inner peace

At the same time that I am experiencing deep internal sadness

And weakness, and pain, and uncertainty and loss.

And, yet it is so...hallelujah, yippee, yay, YES!

This doesn't mean that I've got it figured out

And all is smooth sailing from here.

It was just a couple of days ago

I was troubled and on the verge of losing my peace

But, Cindy praying for me wonderfully restored my perspective and peace.

And I know that God is using others of you 

In the same way, without us even knowing!

Thank you.

2. Prayer

I am learning to pray in a way that I never have before.

Probably because I realize more than ever

How desperately in need of God I am!

And that is a good thing...

Because many of you are getting prayed for

In a way that you never were before!

3. Power

There is a verse in the Bible which when paraphrased goes something like this:

"God's power is demonstrated IN our weakness"

I always wanted or made that to read

"God's power is demonstrated by overcoming our weakness"

Can you see the difference?

It is a BIG difference!

The point...

IN my weakness, God can work in amazing ways

Because Dave is out of the way

Trying to be strong or smart or clever or wise or something...

And that is a good thing!

So...there you have another of my reflections

On this cancer journey I am on.

Maybe I'm getting more reflective as the year draws to a close

And I've been on this journey approaching two years?

Wow!

I have two more chemo/immunotherapy treatments

To finish off the year

This coming Friday, December 11th and Thursday, December 31st!

What a way to end 2020!

Cheers

Emotional Breakdown!

Yes...you read correctly...

It happened as I lay down in bed last night.

The ongoing, extreme weakness of my body

That makes me struggle to get through each day

Step by step by laborious step at times.

It all came to an emotional head

Unleashing torrents of tears and uncontrollable sobs of grief!

It's not that I've lost my peace....thankfully

No.

The peace is still there

It's just that alongside of the peace

There also exists an immense amount of daily emotional pain

(And sometimes physical pain)

On account of the cancer and cancer treatment

That has reduced my bodily strength to a negligible

Fraction of what it used to be.

And that is really hard...for me

The amazing thing

Is that even in this, God is working!

So, please spare me a few moments of explanation and appreciation for that...

Yesterday, I received a card from a wonderful friend

(Who is an incredible encourager through her writing)

Normally, she writes a couple of hundred words of encouragement

But, this time, she only wrote three Bible passages and a quote

That she felt God inclined her to share with me.

Hmmm...

Cindy read them to me

But nothing at all seemed to resonate

So I just tucked them into the back of my mind to ponder.

Here they are:

Psalm 123: 2, 4 "Behold, as the eyes of the servant look to the hand of the master...so our eyes look to the Lord our God until He has mercy on us"

Oswald Chambers "Recognize something has come between you and God and get it readjusted at once"

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly"

John 11:41 "Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, "Father, thank you that you have heard me...you always hear me"

That's it...

And nothing resonated with me at the time

Then...

The emotional breakdown!

And what immediately popped into my mind

As I was laying there sobbing...

Was a "picture" from the past of a stooped old man shuffling along in weakness

And the Oswald Chambers quote...

And me, Dave Frederick,

Looking down on the old man shuffling along...judging him...condemning him!!

WHY?

Because he obviously wasn't trying hard enough to be strong!

Wasn't trying hard enough to get better!

Wasn't trying hard enough to be something!

OKAY...

You all now know officially

If you didn't already

What an absolute arrogant jerk I am in my own strength and self-righteousness

And God's incredible mercy

Using this cancer journey

To expose me and change me and teach me to love!

It's really hard

But...

I am very thankful

And, in a new way, FREE

As God lovingly exposes me to myself 

Enabling me to see me, admit who I've been, and find forgiveness!

Yay!

Thanks for listening,

Dave

Good News!

Yesterday, Friday, November 20th

Cindy and I met with my oncologist 

(Cindy via speaker phone)

To discuss where things are at and what the plan is to move forward.

I also began chemo and immunotherapy infusions again after a 6-week break

Due to the atrial flutter that I was experiencing, but is now corrected.

The key to this conversation was going to be the result from the echocardiogram

That I had during the cardioversion procedure.

The BIG question;

Is the tumor which is overlapping my heart, invading my heart?

Or,

Is the tumor clearly distinct from my heart?

The difference being HUGE

In terms of how it may or may not be able to be treated.

GOOD NEWS!

The echocardiogram showed that there is a

Clear separation between the tumor and my heart!!

Yay!

So, what exactly might this mean?

Radiation.

It means that it is now potentially possible to seek to destroy the tumor

By radiating it.

That is Good News!

So, begins the next stage in this cancer journey...

My oncologist will be setting up a consultation with a

Radiation oncology specialist to discuss this as an option

And how we would move forward.

I would continue with the chemo and immunotherapy at the same time.

That's it...just wanted to get that Good News out there asap:)

Thanks for hanging in there with us through this journey!

Dave

Thankful for Cancer!

Well...it is a time for thanksgiving

But, I'm guessing that the Title of my Post

Might have caused you to take a second glance!

How in the world can I be 

Thankful for Cancer

Considering how it has ravaged my body

Wreaked havoc on my life

And thrown me into prolonged, acute mental, emotional and spiritual distress?

Great Question:)

Tomorrow will be exactly 

One year and nine months 

Since the "circular mass" 

Was first discovered and this journey began.

So...how can I be thankful for cancer?

To be honest...

I didn't think I would ever be able to say that.

I've fought it

Battled it

Struggled with it

And, at times, felt like it would beat me and destroy me

As I grappled daily with its impact

On my life:

Weakness

Depression

Pain

Loss

But, miraculously, here we are!

To put it simply

Which, of course, it is not...

God is using Cancer to change me!

Yep

Who would have guessed you could teach such an old dog new tricks!

But, such is the miracle working power of a great God:)

He really can cause ALL THINGS to work together for the good of those who love Him

Even Cancer...

I never would have imagined it possible 

As I've struggled and strived over the past almost two years

But, it is so...

To put some tangibles to what I'm saying:

I am thankful for my extreme weakness

Because it has caused me to find new found strength in God's power

In my weakness

And not merely because I'm overcoming my weakness.

Do you get the difference?

I have internal peace I never could have imagined

In the thick of my journey 

With its pain and surprises and ups and downs

Because my peace, is like never before,

Not dependent upon my circumstances

I.e. health, finances, successes, etc...

But my confidence in His goodness and wisdom

To do in and with me what is best for me!

So...

How can I not be thankful for Cancer

When God is using it in such amazing ways?

Another Great Question!!

Does that mean that I like my Cancer?

Want to keep my Cancer?

Good grief!  Of course not!!

I'd be delighted if God heals me completely

But, and this is the kicker,

My joy and peace are NOT dependent on that

They are rooted in God!

One final thought:

Please, please don't think that I think that I will no longer struggle:)

Oh, yes, there will still be hard days

Probably lots of them.

But, I'm making progress!

P.S. I had an EKG yesterday and everything with my heart looks great after the cardioversion

Yay!

This Friday, November 20th, I meet with the oncologist to discuss the echocardiogram results

And how we will continue to proceed with my treatment.

Thanks so much again for praying and caring and supporting!

Success!

I have a normal heart beat!

I had my echocardiogram and cardioversion yesterday

And everything went as smoothly as possible.

Yay!

Sometimes it can almost seem weird

When everything goes according to plan

Without any hiccups:)

But...I don't mind 'everything going according to plan'

I follow up with an EKG next Tuesday

(Note: Did you know that there is no difference between an ECG and EKG?

An ECG is the English spelling and an EKG is the German spelling)

To confirm that there is no atrial flutter

But all seems good from my standpoint.

Cindy and I just completed a 3/4 mile walk part way around the lake

That went great

Though it was definitely the tortoise and not the hare version of a walk!

Next Friday I will be back on track to meet with my oncologist

To discuss where we go from here.

We will be discussing the results from the echocardiogram

To see if it showed a separation between the tumor and heart 

Enabling the possibility of radiation or removal of the tumor.

Certainly something to pray about...

I will also potentially begin another round of chemo and immunotherapy 

On that Friday, November 20th,

Which might make Thanksgiving a bit less enjoyable

BUT...I will be alive to celebrate it with my family!!

So much to be thankful for...

Both the challenges and victories

God causing all of them to work together for my good:)

Heart Zap

This coming Tuesday morning, November 10th,

I will check into the hospital for an outpatient heart procedure

To get my heart back to beating as it should

Because of the atrial flutter

That is causing my heart to race

And causing difficult shortness of breath.

(Note: They do not know why or how the atrial flutter started)

Yay!

If you don't learn anything else from this blog,

You are at least getting a basic medical education

While I'm saving you the cost of medical school!

So here goes with a description of what they are going to do...

First, I will have a TEE echocardiogram

Which is described below:

A transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE) uses echocardiography to assess the structure and function of the heart. During the procedure, a transducer (like a microphone) sends out ultrasonic sound waves. When the transducer is placed at certain locations and angles, the ultrasonic sound waves move through the skin and other body tissues to the heart tissues, where the waves bounce or "echo" off of the heart structures. The transducer picks up the reflected waves and sends them to a computer. The computer displays the echoes as images of the heart walls and valves.

A transesophageal echocardiogram is done by inserting a probe with a transducer down the esophagus. This provides a clearer image of the heart because the sound waves do not have to pass through skin, muscle, or bone tissue. The TEE probe is much closer to the heart since the esophagus and heart are right next to each other.

To summarize why the TEE is happening:

They need to make sure that I do NOT have any blood clots in my heart

Before they zap it

Or it could be a negative result (i.e. death)

Rather than a positive result (i.e. heart back to beating normally)

Second, assuming that the TEE shows no blood clots...

I will have a cardioversion

As described below:

Cardioversion is a medical procedure by which cardiac arrhythmia is converted to a normal rhythm using electricity. Synchronized electrical cardioversion uses a therapeutic dose of electric current to the heart at a .specific moment in the cardiac cycle, restoring the activity of the electrical conduction system of the heart.

I'm glad that I will be sedated for the above!!

The question that arises is probably...

What does this have to do with your cancer journey?

Good question

And one to which the doctors have no answer.

Maybe it's been caused by the cancer 

Or sleep apnea

Or my heart fluttering wildly when Cindy kissed me!

Or a bad burrito

(Though I haven't had one in quite awhile!)

Or ??????

You get the idea:)

It seems that this is just part of the cancer journey adventure

That I am on...

Learning to expect the unexpected

Living one day at a time

Being thankful in everything

Knowing that God is good and I can trust Him even through this!

The good news?

With your prayer and support and encouragement...

I think I'm SLOWLY getting it!!

I've never been more at peace in this almost two year journey

Than I am right now!!

Yay!

Thank you:)

The Saga Continues

I wasn't going to continuing blogging

But today was momentous enough to pass on a report

For those of you who are interested:)

The day began very early this morning

Or last night

Depending on your perspective!

Unable to sleep

Because of intense abdominal pain,

I finally got up around 4am 

To sit it out in my living room chair.

Cindy, realizing that I was up

Joined me and convinced me to go to the ER.

FYI...I do NOT like going to the ER!

This had been going on for over a week:

Severe abdominal pain

Extreme intestinal disorder (read the "d" word!)

Increasing fatigue

A racing and arrhythmic heart (maybe the most scary of all).

We arrived at the ER around 6am from our Tahuya lake cabin

And returned this evening around 6pm...

A looong day!

To cut to the chase

After an...

EKG - make that 2 EKGs

CT scan with contrast

Ultrasound of the liver and gallbladder

HIDA scan of the gallbladder

Not to mention blood, urine and stool samples;

The following was determined:

1. The abdominal pain and extreme "d" is due to inflammation of the intestines

(Including the gallbladder)

Due to one of the immunotherapy drugs, which, though it has been very beneficial in fighting the cancer,

Is causing my body's organs to attack themselves!

Which is one of the possible contraindications of this immunotherapy drug:(

Solution:

I didn't have my treatment today as scheduled 

And will meet with my oncologist to discuss how to continue.

In the meantime, he prescribed a steroid to reduce the inflammation

And with it, hopefully, the pain and "d".

2. The heart issue is: 

Atypical atrial flutter

Or, to put it simply,

The heart is not beating as it should:(

Why this is happening is unknown

Or why it started happening out of the blue.

Is it the heart being affected by the tumor?

Or is it another affect of the immunotherapy drug?

Solution:

I have a referral to a cardiologist 

To discuss how to "fix" the heart problem.

That's it for another exciting day in the Frederick household!

Cindy and I are thankful again to be home together tonight.

As I mentioned...

I am trimming back on my blogging

In order to focus on internal peace, rest and contentment

During this cancer journey.

I want to daily thrive throughout this journey

In the really hard days and the good days.

Whether I'm feeling okay or like I just got hit by a truck!

And I know that is only possible

As I practice what I've preached:)

"God will keep in perfect peace the one whose mind is fixed on Him"

And, that is tough!

So I know, for me, that needs to be sought after with laser focus

And not merely as a part-time hobby

In order not merely to survive but THRIVE in this journey!

YES!

Thanks for listening

Appreciate you all MUCH!

Dave

The Cloud

I have so many things to be thankful for in the midst of this cancer journey...

My tumor markers continue to be in the normal range

And my blood work this past week completely moved into the standard range

My white blood count, my red blood count,

My hematocrit, my hemoglobin and my platelets,

To mention just a few of the key ones!

That is crazy

When you stop and realize that this is happening 

While I am receiving regular chemo treatments

Or, to put it another way,

While I am having poison regularly poured into my body!

And...while I still have this enemy, cancer, in my body!

Yes, I have tons to be thankful for...

So, WHY do I constantly have The Cloud

Descending upon me and enveloping me?

At times almost suffocating me?

The Cloud being this darkness that descends upon me

Overwhelming me with despair regarding this cancer journey.

The answer on the surface is understandable:

Every minute of every day I am conscious of my cancer

Either because of the effects of the cancer or the treatment of it...

The extreme weariness

The nausea

The pain/throbbing on the top right side of head

The high blood pressure

(Note: Historically, I have always had low blood pressure)

The way I am conscious of and "feel" my lungs all the time

The periodic shortness of breath

Not to mention the unexpected surprises that remind me

That I shouldn't be surprised at any new thing I might experience 

Throughout this journey.

These physical symptoms are certainly at the heart of...

WHY The Cloud regularly descends upon me

Mentally and emotionally drowning me in despair and discouragement.

This Cancer Journey is just plain old HARD!

With no relief in sight and no end in sight

And no guarantee that I'm going to accomplish anything

Today or tomorrow or the next day

Except just get through the day!

BUT...it is more than that,

The WHY, that is...

And that is why I began writing this blog 

Tonight just shy of midnight...

I am struggling with really trusting God

That through this Cancer Journey

He is doing and will do what is GOOD

For me and through me!

Not that cancer is good

Good grief...NO!

But that God in his goodness and power

Can and is turning the horrible thing that is cancer

Into good in and through my life

In a way that wouldn't happen without it!

I believe this with my head.

I need to embrace it with my heart!

I need the sunshine of God's goodness 

To break through The Cloud

Freeing me to trust him

To be the GOOD GOD that I know that he is

And thrive, not merely survive,

This Cancer Journey!

Thanks:)

Shingles

 In case you are new to this blog

And think you accidentally landed on a roofing blog instead...

I'm not referring to roofing shingles in my title!

Unfortunately, I'm referring to the viral infection that can be quite painful.

For several weeks now I've experienced pain on the right side of my scalp

That's correct...only the right side

You could draw a line down the center of my scalp 

And the pain stops at that line.

Figuring that it was detoxing happening through my scalp

As the chemo and immunotherapy drugs were doing their job

We never mentioned it to my doctor

Until this past Friday before my infusion treatment.

Immediately, he knew what it was...shingles!

He'd actually wondered if I might get them...

I fit all the factors for having an increased risk of developing them:

1. Being older than 50

Which I know comes as a surprise to those of you who thought I was still a spring chicken!

2. Having certain diseases - you guessed it, cancer

3. Undergoing cancer treatments, i.e. chemotherapy

4. Taking certain medications, which I am taking as part of my treatment

I remember my father having shingles...

It was almost debilitating for him due to the severe pain.

Thankfully, Cindy and I both received the shingles vaccine a couple of years ago

Which seems to have greatly reduced the severity of the symptoms.

Yay!

Who would have guessed the many exciting twists and turns

This cancer journey would entail!

One final encouragement, in speaking with my doctor on Friday...

I asked him point blank again

If there was any case study of anyone being cured from my cancer?

His simple answer - NO - We are in uncharted territory!

I've mentioned this before

But, in the midst of all the ups and downs, hopes and discouragements,

We are in miraculous territory!

And I'm am so grateful.

Thankyou for walking this challenging and exciting journey with us!

Dave

Living in Weakness

 Last Saturday, Cindy and I walked the two mile Staircase trail loop!

It was a beautiful day

Not too hot, not too cold.

We thoroughly enjoyed the time together

Walking along the river

Reveling in the beauty of the old growth trees laden with moss

Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Cindy took pictures

Which she later posted on Instagram and Facebook.

Friends were excited about our outing

And my ability to engage in such a physical activity.

We then enjoyed dinner on our way home at Dos Margaritas!

It was a splendid day.

Then...came the rest of the story

As Paul Harvey, which you older folks might remember, would say

I crashed...big time!

I really just recovered today, Wednesday

The day after our outing, Sunday,

I needed to sleep the whole day

And though I was able to work a bit the next three days

I was continued to be whooped and need extra sleep 

To recover from our excursion on Saturday:(

DISCOURAGING!

How can one little outing create such exhaustion?

Is this to be my lot in life?

Am I never going to get stronger?

WEAKNESS

This was the week before my next chemo

This was the week when I'm supposed to be the strongest

In my three-week revolving cycle!

And yet here I am...WEAK.

It's made for some really hard days mentally and emotionally

Days that were supposed to be my good days.

Then tonight...

It kind of clicked...again

(Note: I seem to be really slow sometimes)

Cindy and I had a Zoom prayer meeting with several dear friends

Friends, like many of you, who are daily walking with us in this cancer journey.

As we talked and prayed

It became clear to me...again

That the very thing that God is wanting to do through this cancer journey

Is the very thing that I struggle with and battle over every day

To see his power demonstrated in my weakness!

Meaning that both

My internal contentment/peace/joy

And

My external communication efforts

Whether it be blog posts or opinion pieces or books or sermons

Will thrive as I embrace, not battle

Living in weakness!

Do you know what I told Cindy was the first thing that came to my mind as I pondered this?

Damn!

Yep...

I realize that wasn't a very spiritual response

And, if my mom was still living, would have wanted to wash my mouth out with soap!

But it's like it hit me full force in the face

(And I have been working with street-oriented youth for the past 22 years)

This is what God wants me to embrace, not battle.

I want to get better...and there isn't anything wrong with that

I want to get stronger...and that's not a bad thing

But...living in weakness

Sickness, suffering, heartache and pain

Is the life that is daily lived by millions of people

Incredible people, amazing people

People whose lives I honestly never really understood

And certainly couldn't relate to or identify with at all

That life...living in weakness

Is now my life!

Does that mean that I'm giving up?

No!

I'd love to be healed completely of this enemy within me

And run a 10K next year

Or climb Mt. Rainer

Or even walk the Staircase loop without being exhausted!

But...

If that doesn't happen...or until it happens

I want to continue to learn to embrace, not battle

Living in weakness

Both for my own contentment

And for the blessing of others I might be able to encourage as we walk this road together

In weakness.

For the above to happen...

Your support and encouragement and notes and prayers

Continue to mean the world to me every single day!

Thank you so much

Pursuing Truth Rather Than Just Preferences

For those of you interested...I am sending your way my latest Opinion Piece that was published in the Kitsap Sun today...

One of the hidden blessings of this cancer journey has been the time to pursue my dream of writing.

Who knows...maybe there is a book or two in the hopper!

Watching this season of America’s Got Talent with my wife, one of the familiar advertisements we saw during the commercial breaks was the appearance of King 5 News reporter Angela Poe Russell repeating the news channel’s mantra “I Stand for Truth”.

Watching always made me wonder, “really”?  Because a commitment to seeking the truth does not seem to be a high priority in our highly partisan world where supporting one’s party or one’s self-serving interests seem to take precedence over a pursuit of truth.

Of course no one would actually admit to being partisan instead of pursuing truth, but the evidence seems overwhelming.  Democrats and Republicans line up according to party affiliation when casting votes.  Progressives and conservatives uniformly tout agendas in line with progressive or conservative thought.  Even the rule of law supposedly upheld by the Supreme Court is tainted by whether a judge is liberal or conservative.

What ever happened to truth?  Do we have any politicians or preachers or teachers committed to the pursuit and promulgation of truth or is everyone merely committed to parroting their own particular party, denominational or philosophical line?

The logical response to the above questions is certainly another question “What is truth?”.  This is the well-known question Pontius Pilate asked Jesus as recorded in the book of John, chapter 18, verses 37-38, when Jesus had said to him “The reason I was born and came into the world is to testify to the truth. Everyone on the side of truth listens to me”.  To which Pilate retorted, “What is truth?”.

The King 5 News mantra illustrates the very issue that I am raising.  Reporters boldly proclaim “I stand for truth”.  But, what is the truth they are standing for?  Did you notice that they are not proclaiming “I stand for THE truth”?  This would be offensive to listeners who in our post-modern world reject the notion of objective truth claims, instead finding it more palatable for everyone to decide for themselves what is truth.  I’m guessing that even now some of my readers are beginning to bristle over the thought that I would be arrogant enough to claim that I know what is the truth!

I fear that the result of this fear of and rejection of objective truth is what has led us to no longer really pursuing truth.  After all, what is left to pursue and fight for except our own opinions and party line if there is no such thing as THE truth?

Don’t worry; I am not writing here to preach at you (though I do love to preach and I am personally committed to Jesus as THE truth) but instead to challenge us, myself included, to really pursue truth and not merely spout our personal opinions or follow the party line.

I am asking that each of us purposefully and mindfully pursue THE truth or, if that is a little to intimidating, to purposefully and mindfully pursue truth!

It will not be easy.  Politicians are expected to tow the party line.  Parishioners are expected to follow the denominational or non-denominational line.  And neither of the above is wrong IF those lines are being followed in a mindful pursuit of the truth and not merely doing as someone else has dictated.

The beautiful thing about the above pursuit of truth is that it will also force each of us to question the source of our pursuit.  In other words, if we are to ask “What is truth?” we must then decide where we find such truth, if that truth source is reliable and why that is our source of truth.  We will become thinking people rather than herd mentality people!

When I was a teaching assistant in a World Religions class many years ago at the University of Washington while working on a second Master’s degree; I privately challenged the professor I was working with about the accuracy of something he taught.  His reply stunned me.  “It doesn’t matter.  My intent is not to teach correct information, but to destroy the faith of the students in my class!”  I’ve always wondered how many of those students saw that professor as their source of truth?

Do you stand for truth?  What is the source of that truth?  I believe taking seriously these two questions will both build much needed dialogue and reduce the deepening divide that is tearing our country apart as we become more a people pursuing truth together rather than merely following the party line.

PET Scan #2

It was on March 11, 2019 that I had my first PET Scan

To determine whether or not the "circular mass" in my left pleural cavity

Was malignant or not.

A Positron Emission Tomography (PET Scan) works in the following way:

The night before the scan I am directed to eat a high protein, low carbohydrate meal

And then go completely without eating for the eight hours leading up to the scan.

Then, an hour before the scan, I am injected, through an IV,

With a radioactive form of glucose which is used as a "tracer"

To reveal any cancerous areas in the body

By "lighting up" the cancerous areas with a bright glow.

It was on that fateful March day that the circular mass was clearly revealed as malignant

And my cancer treatment process began.

Now 18 months later it was time to ascertain if what remained of the tumor

Was still malignant or was now merely a benign mass.

I received a summary of the PET scan from the radiologist on Monday, September 14th,

Four days before I was to meet with my oncologist to discuss the results.

It was discouraging.

"Persistent left pericardial PET positive mass, consistent with the known mesothelioma. There are multiple small pretracheal lymph nodes at the level of the aortic arch that show prominent PET uptake and are highly suspicious for metastatic spread."

The tumor had metastasized!

It was a tough week waiting to discuss the results with my oncologist on Friday.

My first comment to him when he walked into the exam room was

"It looks like pretty bad news"

To which he immediately responded

"I wouldn't say that"

And then went on to explain his reason

Which, to put it simply, was that there was always the awareness of cancerous spread.

It was why at the UW and SCCA I was diagnosed as stage four,

Declared incurable, and switched to palliative care.

The important thing was to remember how bad I had become in January of this year,

On the brink of death

And how far I had now come

To where we are talking about next steps in the treatment process.

So, what are those next steps?

1. Having a CT scan with contrast

Which involves iodine injected via IV

In order to show whether or not the tumor has infiltrated my heart

Which the tumor "laps over"

Or is distinct from the heart.

NOTE: Mesothelioma cells tend to penetrate organs rather than remain distinct from them.

If the tumor has not penetrated my heart

The options are to do one of the following:

2. Surgery to remove the tumor, followed by radiation.

3. Radiation to burn out the tumor.

4. Continue with chemo and immunotherapy as we are now doing.

That's where things stand as of now...

That's the latest on my cancer journey!

It is certainly a day by day by day adventure:)

The good news is that with your prayer and encouragement

I am at peace...today!

In fact, when meeting with the doctor on Friday

When typically I have high blood pressure

Due to what they call "white coat syndrome"

Or, in other words, I am anxious for having to be at the doctors:)

My blood pressure was good

Despite our understanding of the PET scan results and our impending conversation.

That was a miracle!

The words in Isaiah 26:3 are very true which say

"God will keep in perfect peace the mind that is fixed on Him!"

That is the challenge for which I constantly covet your prayer.

I appreciate you all much,

Dave

Waiting...

Waiting is hard

Really hard

When you are waiting and wondering

What your PET scan test results are going to come back showing...

Improvement - Less cancer or no cancer!!  Good News!

No Improvement - Cancer activity the same as before.  Bad News!

Things are Worse - More cancer.  Worse News!

But...

Wait is what we must now do...

This morning, Thursday, September 10, was my PET scan

Which will show one of the above conclusions.

The last time I had a PET scan was March 2019

Which revealed that my "mass" was very cancerous.

The hope is that with my improving health

The tumor is becoming less cancerous, more benign.

We will find out

Next Friday, September 18th

When we meet with my oncologist.

That is EIGHT days away!

And so...

We WAIT!

I don't know about you

But, for me,

Waiting is REALLY hard!

The Problem?

My consuming focus becomes...

The test results

And the hope of good results.

My hope slips away from

Hoping in God.

And so instead of

Waiting on God

My hope in Him;

My consuming focus is...

Waiting for the test results

While becoming more and more anxious

As I wait

Anticipating the worst results:(

I know what you're thinking...

That's REALLY dumb!

You're right!

Just being honest:)

So...I'd love for you to pray the following verses for me as I wait

Please!

Psalm 27:14  Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalm 31:24  Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!

Psalm 39:7  “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Psalm 62:5  For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

Psalm 130:5  I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;

Thanks,

Dave

P.S. I will let you know the results when I get them next Friday

Two Steps Back

I think that we've all heard the expression

"Three steps forward, two steps back"

Or some such version of the above.

Well...my latest test results seem to be fit into the

"Two steps back" category

Discouraging:(

Meeting with my oncologist this past Friday

Before my every three weeks chemo and immunotherapy treatment

We discussed the results of the CT scan

Which I'd had a couple of days before.

Our hopes were that the scan would reveal

That the tumor was continuing to decrease in size.

Unfortunately...that is not the news we received.

Here are the exact dimensions of the tumor

Which actually increased a tad bit in size:

8.6 cm x 3.1 cm x 6.3 cm is the size of the tumor according to the most recent scan.

8.4 cm x 3 cm x 6.2 cm was the size of the tumor from the scan two months ago.

It is described as a pleural-based mass draped over the left heart

And it is pretty decent sized

This was hard news.

And to make it a bit harder...

The scan also showed a slight increase in fluid in my left lung.

To wrap up the "two steps back" news...

I heard today that my tumor markers

Though still within the normal range

Also slightly increased.

So...where does this leave us?

I now have a PET scan scheduled for September 10th

This is to ascertain if the mass described above

Contains active cancer cells

Or if it is now merely a benign mass,

And if there are any other cancerous masses in my body.

I will find out the results of the PET scan

At my next oncology appointment on September 18th.

It is soooo easy for my hopes and emotions

To ride on the outcome of test results

Rather than in the hands of the loving and powerful God

That I claim to believe in

To be very transparent...

The last few days have been dark ones mentally, emotionally and spiritually

As I've wrestled with the latest results

Which obviously hasn't been helped

Feeling pretty yucky coming out of my recent chemo treatment.

This despite the fact

That my amazing wife, Cindy, keeps reminding me regularly

Of all the things for which we do have to be thankful

While at the same time flooding me

With the most incredible and unconditional love and support!

This cancer journey stinks

But I am blessed...really

Just thinking of the support you all who are reading this

Continue to pour out upon me/us

Fills me with amazement and encouragement

Thank you so much!

Thinking about these things

Has struck me with the grip the temporary has on us

Or, I should say, me.

I am convinced of the promise of unimaginable eternal happiness

That awaits me in heaven

When I die,

And yet I mostly struggle with the thought of what I'm leaving here.

It's like not being excited about a mouth-watering, medium-rare rib-eye steak dinner

With all of the trimmings,

Because I'm so caught up with the frozen TV dinner I'm currently eating.
(Note: I'm not really eating a frozen TV dinner-Cindy feeds me amazing meals!)

Ridiculous!

This is my prayer

In the midst of these dark times...

"Dear Father, open my spiritual eyes to see

The eternal LIFE that awaits me

The eternal JOY that will be mine

Because of the amazing sacrifice of your Son!

And, Father, 

Until that day comes

Help me to live each day with gratitude

For another day you give me 

To live and love to the fullest.

Amen."

A Dose of Humility May Do Us Good

For those interested, I've copied below the latest Opinion Piece I wrote for the Kitsap Sun that was published today...

Pride is destroying us…religious pride, academic pride, scientific pride, class pride, ethnic pride, and the list can go on and on…

Pride can be a good thing...proud of our children’s accomplishments or proud we made it five days without eating sugar!  That’s not what I’m talking about.  There is a good pride, and there is…a pride that is destructive and divisive.

Destructive pride makes someone think they are superior to someone else because they have more money or more education.  It is an arrogant attitude causing someone to think they are better than someone else because of their skin color or religious beliefs or political persuasion. 

Not that it is wrong to be proud of our heritage, our beliefs or our political leaning.  We are all very different and different is good.  It would be a pretty boring life if we were all cookie cutter replicas of one another!

Too often in our world, however, different divides us rather than motivating us to form relationships and learn from one another…and become friends rather than antagonists.  

Why is this?  Why do we feel that we have to win an argument rather than have a discussion?  What makes us so quick to condemn another rather than seek common ground with them…and I’m not talking at the expense of what we hold to be true!

I am not in any way diminishing how different we are from one another!  I am an individual of very strong convictions.  What I hold to be truth is certainly very different from what many readers would hold to be truth.  And yet, many of my good friends and myself are very different.  How is this possible?

For many years, for me, it wasn’t possible.  I only associated with and had friendships with those who were like me, held my beliefs and agreed with my political persuasion.  I’m ashamed to say that for way too long I looked down from my superior attitude perch on anyone that was different from me.  I was big on condemning, short on loving.  

What changed?  Or, maybe better worded, what is changing?

Two things have helped me out of an arrogant, antagonistic perspective towards others and into incredible relationships with individuals very different from me:

Identity.  Insecurity is one of the underlying factors that leads to destructive pride.  Which might be hard to believe because arrogant individuals usually come across as extremely confident people.  But, if I am genuinely secure in who I am as an individual, I’m not going to be threatened by someone who is different than me.  

Insecurity breeds fear which makes me defend myself rather than explain myself.  Fear causes me to ridicule rather than seek to understand.  I think our world is in an identity crisis with people identifying with causes and issues and parties, rather than having a clear understanding of who they are that gives them the confidence needed to relate to others very different than themselves.

It was a simple phrase that helped me:  God-confidence is self-confidence.  For years I struggled with insecurity that distanced me from others.  But no one really knew because it was masked by an arrogant superiority that had the air of confidence!  It wasn’t until I became genuinely confident in my relationship with God that I could truly befriend those very different from me.

Maybe the phrase God-confidence is self-confidence is offensive to you.  That’s okay.  We can still be friends!  Confident in who I am, I don’t feel the need to change you but to be your friend.  But for me to be your friend, who is very different from you, you are going to have to be confident in who you are too!  

What is it that gives you confidence in who you are?  I would suggest that it needs to be something deeper than your bank account or job or relationships. Those can all change and your identity shattered. 

Humility.  Humility simply means being emptied of ourselves.  Too often we are individuals who are full of ourselves.  Maybe we think too highly of ourselves to cope with our insecurities?  

It was a Bible verse that helped me with this:  By the goodness of God, I am what I am.  I am who I am because of God’s goodness and the goodness of others.  I am not a self-made man.  I don’t think there is such a man or woman.  

We all need God and one another.  If you don’t want to include God in that statement; that’s okay.  We can still be friends.  In fact, I need you as my friend to help me become the friend I need to be.  And, gasp, you might even find me to be the friend you need!  Because we realize that we need each other as different as we are.

It's My Birthday!

Today, August 18th, is my birthday!

I've officially reached Social Security retirement age...66 years old.

Everyone after me will have to wait longer and longer to reach Social Security retirement!

The incredible and miraculous news this year

Is that I made it to this birthday

Due to the slim chance that appeared to be in January of this year!

And that August 18 marks exactly 18 months to the day

That a "circular mass" was discovered

In the pleural cavity between my left lung and heart

Which after many tests was ascertained to be malignant mesothelioma.

What a great birthday present...

*To be alive!

*To have had all four of our children

And all eight of our grandchildren, minus one,

Together this past weekend at our lake place

For an incredible time of fun and games!

*To have amazing friends like you all

Who have supported and encouraged me

Through these past 18 months!

I am blessed...

So, the BIG question:

What is my birthday wish?

I know that I'm not supposed to reveal my wish

But I'm going to give you a sneak peek:)

*Is it 18 more months or 18 more years to live?

That would be great...but NO

Because my desire isn't really for a long life but a full one

*Is it a cancer free body?

That would also be great...but NO

Because as much as I would never have chosen cancer

And the challenging and difficult journey it has embarked me upon

I am amazed at how God has used this journey

For the encouragement and blessing of others

In a way that would never have happened

If I was not walking this path myself.

So...

THIS is my simple birthday wish:

That I would finish well

With the days that I have left on this earth.

That I would love well

And that I would be faithful

In living my life for God's glory

And the blessing of others!

That's my birthday wish...

Though I must confess

That my wish the week after each chemo treatment

Is just to survive each day:)

So...how do I see "being faithful" happening?

I'm not sure

But I believe it has something to do with writing...

The story of The Coffee Oasis

The stories of our youth

The things I am learning through this cancer journey

The next New York Times Best Selling novel
(Just kidding on that one!)

Well...there you have it

And now that I've shared my wish

It may not be able to happen!
(At least that's what I was always told growing up just before I blew out my candles!)

I'm happy for you to bug me

And keep me accountable

To make the most of my time with the days still allotted for me:)

In the meantime...

Thank you again for being the friends and supporters you are to me!

Blessings,

Dave

The Countdown!

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom"

Counting down the days

Has become a part of my daily thinking

Kind of like many people

Count down the days until the weekend

Or they are scheduled to leave on vacation

Or the concert they have been looking forward to occurs...

For me, it is the repeated cycle of counting down

The days until my next chemo and immunotherapy treatment

Which is five days from today

Five days until I begin feeling yucky again!

And then four days, three, two, one...

The contemplation of what is to come

Dominates my thinking!

And causes me to organize my life accordingly

In order to get the work done that I need to

Before the post-chemo week side effects hit

And I might not feel like doing much except surviving:(

I think this is what Moses meant when he prayed in Psalm 90:

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom"

To be conscious of our days

That we might be wise in how we live out our days!

I think that it's the same thing Paul encourages us to do in Ephesians 5:

"Be very careful, then, how you live-not as unwise but as wise,

Making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil"

This cancer journey has caused me to have such an awareness of my days...

Of my mortality.

Of what is to come

And the privilege that is mine to experience such things

Things that I mostly took for granted being alive for:

Cindy's birthday

My children's and grandchildren's birthdays

Cindy and my anniversary

My birthday!

Which is the next countdown that is dominating my thinking

Not just because it's my birthday...as important as that is!!

BUT because August 18, 2020

Is exactly 18 months to the day

From when cancer was first discovered in my body

On February 19, 2020

18 months that has rocked my world

And changed my thinking

And caused me to count my days

As I never had before.

Grateful for the 18 months God has given me to live

When it seemed like my days on this earth were ended

Not taking for granted 18 more months

But counting the days and seeking to make the most of the ones I am given

However many those may or may not be.

Sometimes I miss the days of bliss when I felt like I would live forever:)

Though we all know that we all will die someday!

But...this life is way more real

Living with the awareness that my days are numbered

And despite the miraculous healing taking place in my body,

I will die someday just like the rest of you!

 This keen reality of my mortality

Helps me to live for eternity,

Which is a lot of days!

While making the most of my mortality

Which is a limited number of days!

I think the thing that would thrill me the most

Would be that every person reading this blog

Would, in the same way that I am,

Except for the cancer...

Be encouraged to live for eternity

And therefore making the most of their mortality!

Blessings,

Dave

The Cycle

I completed on July 17th my 9th treatment cycle

Every three weeks the same cycle repeats itself

Kind of...

1. Cindy and I first meet with my oncologist to discuss my progress or concerns

And if there are any changes that need to be made to my treatment plan.

2. I have blood work done to ascertain the impact that treatment is having on my body

Positively or negatively

Things like my white blood count, red blood count and tumor markers.

3. I have my chemo and immunotherapy infusions

Where I sit in a large room with about one or two dozen other patients

Hooked up to IVs

Each of us receiving our prescribed treatments for our particular cancer.

It's pretty much the same cycle every three weeks

Lasting about 4 hours or so

Every third Friday

Rain or shine!

This part of The Cycle is pretty routine and easy

Listening to music or an audio book or doing a bit of work

While enjoying the snacks that they provide!

The ramifications are what makes The Cycle challenging:(

The Physical Ramifications

The 7-10 days following each treatment are especially tough

Due to the side effects of the chemicals that are pumped into my body at each treatment

And the additional chemicals (i.e. medicines) prescribed to counteract those side effects

That I also need to take after each treatment...

That cause other side effects!

These side effects include:

Nausea, constipation, body pain, extreme fatigue, high blood pressure, headaches, etc...

Or to sum it up...just feeling basically yucky!

With some of the side effects carrying on all the time:(

The Mental Ramifications

This might be the hardest aspect of The Cycle...

The battle in my head!

The stark realization that at least one to one and a half weeks

Out of every three weeks

I am going to feel nasty

And as the chemicals continue to accumulate in my body

The side effects and fatigue that I now live with

Will continue to be a part of my daily existence

And that this cycle...The Cycle

Is going to last a loooong time

At least two years or more

Depending on how things continue to progress!

The mental battle

With discouragement

Can be overwhelming:(

Which might seem pretty pathetic to some of you

Who are thinking

"He should just be thrilled to be alive!"

And I am

But...

So, till next time

Thank you again for listening and praying and encouraging!

I still need it:)

P.S. My last tumor markers were great, being solidly now within the normal range!

Blessings,

Dave

A White Pastor's Prayer

Below is an Opinion piece that I wrote for our local newspaper

And is running in today's edition...

I'm offering it to you not because it has anything to do with my cancer journey

But because it is something of much importance that is heavy on my mind.

Heavenly Father,

You have said that we are to weep with those who weep

That we are to treat others as we ourselves would want to be treated

And that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.

You have said that what is good and what you require of us

Is to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly before you.

You have said that being in Christ is what matters

Not one’s nationality or race or education or social position

And that Christ is equally available to all.

You have told us to pray 

“Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” 

And have given us a beautiful glimpse of heaven in the book of Revelation

Where people from every race and language and people group and nation are part of your glorious eternal plan.

And…you have said that faith without action is worthless!

It is no faith at all to say that I believe these things without truly living them out.  

It merely amounts to cheap words.

Heavenly Father,

Forgive me.  

My actions have not been a reflection of your truth.  

My actions have not demonstrated faith, but fear.  

They have not shown empathy, but apathy.

I have never deliberately shown bias against my black brother or sister.  

I do not think I could be called prejudiced.  

I have always spoken against injustice and called for equality.

But...I have not wept with those who weep.  

I have not sought to identify with and understand and feel...

The fear and humiliation and hurt experienced on a daily basis by my black brothers and sisters. 

I have never had to have a conversation with my sons...

About what to do and how to act when they are stopped by the police.  

I have never questioned the “whitewashing” of our American history 

Or the absence of African American or Native American heroes in our school books.

I have been content to build relationships with 

But not really increase in understanding of 

What it is like to grow up black or brown or yellow in the United States of America.  

I have been deluded to believe that racism is only in the South 

And that every advantage to me is also available to everyone else equally where I live and work and worship.

Forgive me Father!

I have allowed myself to be blinded by my own desire for comfort 

Instead of being willing to identify with and do something about 

The very real fears and injustices experienced by my brothers and sisters.  

I have been like the priest in the story of the Good Samaritan 

Who made a wide detour away from the wounded man on the road to Jerusalem 

Rather than risk personal injury himself.

I have been content to speak rather than act 

When your Word tells us we should lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters,

And questions our love for God if it is only with words or speech 

And not with actions or in truth.

Father, forgive me!

Show me how to love like Jesus loved.  

Help me to love my neighbor – all of them – as myself.  

Help me to weep with those who weep.  

Help me to fight injustice, to love mercy and to do it all while walking humbly before You!

In the Name of Jesus, Amen.