Two Steps Back

I think that we've all heard the expression

"Three steps forward, two steps back"

Or some such version of the above.

Well...my latest test results seem to be fit into the

"Two steps back" category

Discouraging:(

Meeting with my oncologist this past Friday

Before my every three weeks chemo and immunotherapy treatment

We discussed the results of the CT scan

Which I'd had a couple of days before.

Our hopes were that the scan would reveal

That the tumor was continuing to decrease in size.

Unfortunately...that is not the news we received.

Here are the exact dimensions of the tumor

Which actually increased a tad bit in size:

8.6 cm x 3.1 cm x 6.3 cm is the size of the tumor according to the most recent scan.

8.4 cm x 3 cm x 6.2 cm was the size of the tumor from the scan two months ago.

It is described as a pleural-based mass draped over the left heart

And it is pretty decent sized

This was hard news.

And to make it a bit harder...

The scan also showed a slight increase in fluid in my left lung.

To wrap up the "two steps back" news...

I heard today that my tumor markers

Though still within the normal range

Also slightly increased.

So...where does this leave us?

I now have a PET scan scheduled for September 10th

This is to ascertain if the mass described above

Contains active cancer cells

Or if it is now merely a benign mass,

And if there are any other cancerous masses in my body.

I will find out the results of the PET scan

At my next oncology appointment on September 18th.

It is soooo easy for my hopes and emotions

To ride on the outcome of test results

Rather than in the hands of the loving and powerful God

That I claim to believe in

To be very transparent...

The last few days have been dark ones mentally, emotionally and spiritually

As I've wrestled with the latest results

Which obviously hasn't been helped

Feeling pretty yucky coming out of my recent chemo treatment.

This despite the fact

That my amazing wife, Cindy, keeps reminding me regularly

Of all the things for which we do have to be thankful

While at the same time flooding me

With the most incredible and unconditional love and support!

This cancer journey stinks

But I am blessed...really

Just thinking of the support you all who are reading this

Continue to pour out upon me/us

Fills me with amazement and encouragement

Thank you so much!

Thinking about these things

Has struck me with the grip the temporary has on us

Or, I should say, me.

I am convinced of the promise of unimaginable eternal happiness

That awaits me in heaven

When I die,

And yet I mostly struggle with the thought of what I'm leaving here.

It's like not being excited about a mouth-watering, medium-rare rib-eye steak dinner

With all of the trimmings,

Because I'm so caught up with the frozen TV dinner I'm currently eating.
(Note: I'm not really eating a frozen TV dinner-Cindy feeds me amazing meals!)

Ridiculous!

This is my prayer

In the midst of these dark times...

"Dear Father, open my spiritual eyes to see

The eternal LIFE that awaits me

The eternal JOY that will be mine

Because of the amazing sacrifice of your Son!

And, Father, 

Until that day comes

Help me to live each day with gratitude

For another day you give me 

To live and love to the fullest.

Amen."