Yes...you read correctly...
It happened as I lay down in bed last night.
The ongoing, extreme weakness of my body
That makes me struggle to get through each day
Step by step by laborious step at times.
It all came to an emotional head
Unleashing torrents of tears and uncontrollable sobs of grief!
It's not that I've lost my peace....thankfully
No.
The peace is still there
It's just that alongside of the peace
There also exists an immense amount of daily emotional pain
(And sometimes physical pain)
On account of the cancer and cancer treatment
That has reduced my bodily strength to a negligible
Fraction of what it used to be.
And that is really hard...for me
The amazing thing
Is that even in this, God is working!
So, please spare me a few moments of explanation and appreciation for that...
Yesterday, I received a card from a wonderful friend
(Who is an incredible encourager through her writing)
Normally, she writes a couple of hundred words of encouragement
But, this time, she only wrote three Bible passages and a quote
That she felt God inclined her to share with me.
Hmmm...
Cindy read them to me
But nothing at all seemed to resonate
So I just tucked them into the back of my mind to ponder.
Here they are:
Psalm 123: 2, 4 "Behold, as the eyes of the servant look to the hand of the master...so our eyes look to the Lord our God until He has mercy on us"
Oswald Chambers "Recognize something has come between you and God and get it readjusted at once"
John 10:10 "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly"
John 11:41 "Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, "Father, thank you that you have heard me...you always hear me"
That's it...
And nothing resonated with me at the time
Then...
The emotional breakdown!
And what immediately popped into my mind
As I was laying there sobbing...
Was a "picture" from the past of a stooped old man shuffling along in weakness
And the Oswald Chambers quote...
And me, Dave Frederick,
Looking down on the old man shuffling along...judging him...condemning him!!
WHY?
Because he obviously wasn't trying hard enough to be strong!
Wasn't trying hard enough to get better!
Wasn't trying hard enough to be something!
OKAY...
You all now know officially
If you didn't already
What an absolute arrogant jerk I am in my own strength and self-righteousness
And God's incredible mercy
Using this cancer journey
To expose me and change me and teach me to love!
It's really hard
But...
I am very thankful
And, in a new way, FREE
As God lovingly exposes me to myself
Enabling me to see me, admit who I've been, and find forgiveness!
Yay!
Thanks for listening,
Dave
Love your insight, sir.
ReplyDeleteBlessed be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love. Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard, but good, place to be. Thank you for sharing. Exposing our vulnerabilities is so humbling. But venting is good - even if it reveals things we’d rather not see. While you see yourself as an absolute arrogant jerk, we see you as a giving and tender servant. And God sees the real you and still loves you. As do we.
ReplyDeleteTender hugs,
Ru and Steve
Powerful.
ReplyDeleteHumbled, grateful and inspired by your honesty and vulnerability as you share both the physical and spiritual journey with us all. You are loved, you and all the family Dave. J & J
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is using you. God is your strength
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers.
Sheri
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. It is a great sign of strength. More than anything physical ever could! We love you so much and know that this is an unbelievably hard journey. Also, you are not an arrogant jerk - but I do miss being teased by you!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Julia. No one quite has your quip! Although the two kids I know show evidence of having experienced you up close. I'm quite sure God sent this fabulous sunshine just for you!
DeleteBut if I go to the east, he is not there;
ReplyDeleteif I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
—Job 23:8–10
From my December 3rd devotional...
ReplyDelete"DO NOT BE SURPRISED by the fiery attacks on your mind. When you struggle to find ME and to live My Peace, don't let discouragement set in. You are engaged in massive warfare, spiritually speaking. The evil one abhors your closeness to Me, and his demonic underlings are determined to destroy our intimacy. When you find yourself in the thick of battle, call upon My Name: "Jesus, help me!" At that instant, the battle becomes Mine; your role is simply to trust Me as I fight for you."
Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see hm now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls ~ 1 Peter 1:8-9
We love and miss you around the office Dave. I agree with Julia, it was fun listening to you give her a hard time. I miss you sitting in the back appearing to be unaware but commenting at just the right moments. We are praying for you everyday.