The Cloud

I have so many things to be thankful for in the midst of this cancer journey...

My tumor markers continue to be in the normal range

And my blood work this past week completely moved into the standard range

My white blood count, my red blood count,

My hematocrit, my hemoglobin and my platelets,

To mention just a few of the key ones!

That is crazy

When you stop and realize that this is happening 

While I am receiving regular chemo treatments

Or, to put it another way,

While I am having poison regularly poured into my body!

And...while I still have this enemy, cancer, in my body!

Yes, I have tons to be thankful for...

So, WHY do I constantly have The Cloud

Descending upon me and enveloping me?

At times almost suffocating me?

The Cloud being this darkness that descends upon me

Overwhelming me with despair regarding this cancer journey.

The answer on the surface is understandable:

Every minute of every day I am conscious of my cancer

Either because of the effects of the cancer or the treatment of it...

The extreme weariness

The nausea

The pain/throbbing on the top right side of head

The high blood pressure

(Note: Historically, I have always had low blood pressure)

The way I am conscious of and "feel" my lungs all the time

The periodic shortness of breath

Not to mention the unexpected surprises that remind me

That I shouldn't be surprised at any new thing I might experience 

Throughout this journey.

These physical symptoms are certainly at the heart of...

WHY The Cloud regularly descends upon me

Mentally and emotionally drowning me in despair and discouragement.

This Cancer Journey is just plain old HARD!

With no relief in sight and no end in sight

And no guarantee that I'm going to accomplish anything

Today or tomorrow or the next day

Except just get through the day!

BUT...it is more than that,

The WHY, that is...

And that is why I began writing this blog 

Tonight just shy of midnight...

I am struggling with really trusting God

That through this Cancer Journey

He is doing and will do what is GOOD

For me and through me!

Not that cancer is good

Good grief...NO!

But that God in his goodness and power

Can and is turning the horrible thing that is cancer

Into good in and through my life

In a way that wouldn't happen without it!

I believe this with my head.

I need to embrace it with my heart!

I need the sunshine of God's goodness 

To break through The Cloud

Freeing me to trust him

To be the GOOD GOD that I know that he is

And thrive, not merely survive,

This Cancer Journey!

Thanks:)