Grieving Loss

Cindy and I were looking forward to an outing today...

Getting out together on a gorgeous sunny day,

Maybe the last one for awhile,

As the weather forecast looks like a lot of rain ahead

Fancy that in western Washington!

Our hope was that I would have the strength 

To walk a not -too-strenuous trail

And be able to enjoy God's amazing creation together.

We ended up at the Bremerton watershed

Along with dozens of other people 

Looking to enjoy the sunny day

And started up one of the trails.

The key word here is "up" one of the trails!

It became clear pretty quickly 

That "up" was steeper than my body could handle

Though I could have easily handled the simple incline in the past.

And then it hit again...

And the enormity of my physical weakness

Once again overwhelmed me

And I was overcome with sadness...

Not hopelessness

Not anger

Not bitterness

But...a deep sadness over what I have physically lost

In this cancer battle/journey.

So...Cindy and I spent the next several minutes

Crying together as we walked

Grieving the loss that I have experienced in this journey.

BUT...

Please understand that I'm not writing these things

So that you will feel sorry for me, for us,

But to communicate both the rawness of the journey

I.e. the Loss

And the unimaginable impact this journey is also making on me

I.e. the Gain

(Because of the Loss)

Let me list a few:

1. Peace

I've talked about this already

But it is so amazing that it bears repeating!

I think this blows me away more than anything else.

I never would have imagined that I could have deep inner peace

At the same time that I am experiencing deep internal sadness

And weakness, and pain, and uncertainty and loss.

And, yet it is so...hallelujah, yippee, yay, YES!

This doesn't mean that I've got it figured out

And all is smooth sailing from here.

It was just a couple of days ago

I was troubled and on the verge of losing my peace

But, Cindy praying for me wonderfully restored my perspective and peace.

And I know that God is using others of you 

In the same way, without us even knowing!

Thank you.

2. Prayer

I am learning to pray in a way that I never have before.

Probably because I realize more than ever

How desperately in need of God I am!

And that is a good thing...

Because many of you are getting prayed for

In a way that you never were before!

3. Power

There is a verse in the Bible which when paraphrased goes something like this:

"God's power is demonstrated IN our weakness"

I always wanted or made that to read

"God's power is demonstrated by overcoming our weakness"

Can you see the difference?

It is a BIG difference!

The point...

IN my weakness, God can work in amazing ways

Because Dave is out of the way

Trying to be strong or smart or clever or wise or something...

And that is a good thing!

So...there you have another of my reflections

On this cancer journey I am on.

Maybe I'm getting more reflective as the year draws to a close

And I've been on this journey approaching two years?

Wow!

I have two more chemo/immunotherapy treatments

To finish off the year

This coming Friday, December 11th and Thursday, December 31st!

What a way to end 2020!

Cheers