Encouragement and Suffering

One week ago today

December 19th

I had my 6 month followup consultation with my doctor in Texas

As I mentioned before

It was over the phone

As I was not up to traveling to Austin, Texas

To meet with her.

It was a good consultation

Bringing both some encouragement and another reminder of the long process I'm involved in

Battling this enemy within my body.

The consult can be summarized in three ways:

1. This is a marathon...not a sprint!  Her exact words...

In other words, I need to be in this for the long haul

Which can be tough because of #2

2. Feeling bad is good! 

This is a hard one...

But it shows that the pancreatic enzymes are working attacking the cancer cells

Producing waste that then needs to be eliminated from my body

Thus the regular detoxing

And the feeling that there is a battle going on inside of me

Which there is!

The "feeling bad" gets worse as I get closer to the end of each 20 day cycle

Before taking a 5 day break to give my body a rest.

Which not only affects me physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually

But the good news is...

3. Testing showed that there is progress! 

That the cancer seems to be slowly decreasing...

Good News!!

Though with a long ways to go still

Thus the marathon.

So, thank you again for your incredible support, prayer and encouragement

As I am on this cancer journey.

I'm just finishing another 20 day cycle so the past several days have been tough

Feeling nasty much of the time

But I begin my 5 day break tomorrow!

Yay:)

This process has also made me much more aware of the incredible suffering that many of you

Or your family and friends are also experiencing

As we do this life journey together.

I pray that you find the same peace and hope and joy in Jesus that I seek and long for myself each day

Blessings,

Dave

A Brief Update

It's been a couple of weeks

So I thought I'd briefly update you all on where things are at

In my cancer journey.

Cindy and I have been regularly draining my left lung

Almost every other day

Using the PleurX catheter.

It is pretty nifty

And sure beats regular trips to the ER.

Since November 25th

We've drained almost 6 liters from my lung!

Which after the first couple of times

Boils down (not literally) to 500 ml each time

Too bad we can't use it for something...

Besides the PleurX

My routine remains pretty consistent

With the daily diet, supplements and detoxing.

I was supposed to have a consult with my doctor in Austin, TX

On December 19th,

But feeling not too great

Actually pretty lousy

Much of the time

We cancelled our flights

And are doing a phone consult instead.

In a way things have become pretty routine

Doing what I'm supposed to be doing

Hoping that the treatment is having a positive impact

While at the same time ultimately hoping in God.

I probably have a good emotional crash

Once or twice a week

As it all overwhelms me

With my incredible wife, Cindy, here to pick up the pieces!

Thanks again to all of you

For praying and encouraging and supporting me

In this cancer journey.

Dave

Thankful

Thanksgiving Day is almost over

And I have soooo much to be thankful for...

For YOU ALL who follow my cancer journey

And pray and encourage and support

Me in this journey

Thank you again SO MUCH!

And...

For SUCCESS in using the PleurX catheter yesterday!

With the expert guidance of a nurse friend

Cindy and I successfully drained 1 liter out of my lung!

It is pretty weird and very cool

Watching fluid come out of your pleural cavity and fill the glass beaker:)

Hopefully eliminating trips to the ER to have my lung drained.

There is no pain to the procedure

And it is done in under 30 minutes.

Which sure beats waiting in the ER for hours:)

Though, I would also like to express my thanks

For the excellent care

Both at Harrison Medical Center ER

And

Harrison Medical Center Interventional Radiology

Where the PleurX catheter was done.

We plan on draining my lung about every other day

With the hope that the fluid will be completely drained

And my left lung will be able to totally expand

Which is a lot to be thankful for!

Thank you again,

Dave

PleurX Catheter + Somber Reflection

Monday, November 25, is the day!

I will be going in to have a PleurX catheter placed in my left lung pleural cavity

So that I will be able to manually drain the fluid that is accumulating

On a daily basis, if necessary

Hopefully eliminating regular trips to the ER to have a thoracentesis (lung drained)

If you can "look forward" to something

That you really wish you didn't have to do

But know that it is a good thing to do

Then...I'm looking forward to Monday morning.

Cindy and I do have peace about this decision

But continue to covet your prayer for the success of the procedure

On a much more somber note...

Nine days ago a Puget Sound pastor "intentionally took his own life"

The notice said that "he believed he could no longer continue the battle"

His battle included chronic pain, PTSD and depression

There is a whole lot of pain out there

That I've increasingly become aware of and much more sensitive to

Because of my own cancer journey and daily battle

Physically, spiritually and mentally

That I'd never had to face before

But, as I described it to Cindy yesterday,

At times can feel like each second seeming like an hour

Day after day after day!

Which can very easily make life seem very hopeless.

Thank you again so much for praying for me and supporting me in my battle

Which I know God has used

In the midst of the times when I'm asking

How can I keep doing this?

or

Why do I keep doing this?

To keep me fighting and hoping and trusting

In the midst of the battle.

Thank you again,

Dave

Change of Plans!

I am NOT having the surgical procedure done on Monday

Which would have been putting talc in my left lung to try and help it adhere to the pleural cavity

In order to prevent or decrease fluid accumulation in the lung

Cindy and I just did not have any peace about the surgical procedure

And then a friend of ours texted me that her cousin's husband in North Dakota

Had a PleurX catheter placed in his left lung about a month ago because of fluid accumulation

And he would be willing to talk to me about it

Would I like to give him a call?

Yes!!

(Side Note: Isn't it incredible the unique ways that God answers our prayers for wisdom and peace?)

So I called him and we had a great conversation for about 25 minutes

Which is exactly the conversation that I needed to have

In helping us make a decision.

He did not have the talc surgical procedure either

But just the PleurX catheter installed

And for him it has worked wonderful

Eliminating his trips to the ER to have a regular thoracentesis (lung fluid drained)

And over the month that he has been manually draining his lung

Seen a steady decrease in the amount of fluid accumulation!

I like it:)

And need it

Two nights ago I had to go into the ER again to have my left lung drained

(for the third time in less than two months)

Again they took out 2 liters

And the ER doctor said that there probably remained another 2-3 liters!

So, I asked my doctor for a referral to an Interventional Radiologist to install a PleurX catheter

Hopefully soon

Before my breathing again requires that I need to have my lung drained

I do like to breathe:)

So...thank you again for praying for wisdom and peace

God provided it

And we feel good about proceeding with the PleurX catheter as soon as possible

I appreciate you all

Dave

Next Monday

On November 18th I'm scheduled to have a couple of surgical procedures done

And Cindy and I are both pretty unsure and anxious about it

It's not that they are major procedures

But the unknowns

And the risks

Or not doing anything

Are making it difficult to have peace about the right decision to make

To proceed with the surgical procedures

Or just continue to have my left lung drained regularly

Which has become quite regular

The two procedures are:

1. Going in with a scope in order to drain my left lung completely and then powder it with talc with the hope that it will help my lung adhere to the pleural cavity wall and hinder fluid accumulation

2. Inserting a catheter so that I can manually drain my left lung daily or as needed in order to prevent fluid accumulation and subsequent shortness of breath

Right now I'm scheduled for both

But, as mentioned earlier, we are not having peace regarding how to really proceed

The risks seem to be minimal

Though there are the possible risks that we've been warned about

But I will spare you the details:)

If all goes well, I would just be in the hospital one night

And get out the next day

Cindy and I are meeting with a doctor friend on Wednesday to talk through things as we seek both wisdom and peace regarding what to do

So, I'm basically asking for extra prayer as we consider what we should do

Thanks again much

PS I think some of the anxiety comes from the progression of things and wondering if this is an answer or merely another challenge along the way due to the progression of the cancer

Thanks again for your support, prayer and encouragement:)

Dave

Still Fighting

When is it okay to quit fighting?

As I read the many and varied responses from several of you from the question I posed in my last blog, I, in my tiredness, continued to ponder the question myself

My thoughts led me to consider how I would answer the question if I were actually involved in fighting a battle in a war

In the midst of a fierce battle, would I quit if I were tired?

I hope not

I would keep fighting as long as there was a chance for victory in the battle

And so I keep fighting as long as there is still the hope of victory in this cancer battle

And a daily fight it continues to be

On September 25th I had my left lung drained of 1.5 liters of fluid

However, increasingly I could tell that my lung was filling up again

As it became more and more difficult to breathe

So on October 28th I had a chest x-ray which in fact revealed that the fluid had come back and was now filling 2/3 of my left lung cavity!

This led to my left lung being drained again on October 30th

To the tune of 2 liters this time

That is the amount of soda you'd get in a 2-liter bottle!

With my doctor commenting that this still left a good deal of fluid in the lung!

Now 5 days later I can tell that my lung is already quickly filling up again as my breathing becomes little by little more difficult

So...tomorrow, November 5th, I meet with a thoracic surgeon to discuss a couple of options how the fluid returning might be prevented or slowed down

Which I definitely face with mixed emotions

As I certainly would love to not have the fluid filling my lung with the shortness of breath that accompanies such filling

But at the same time don't look forward to a surgical procedure invading my lung:(

So the daily battle continues

Some days feeling okay

Other days feeling lousy

Continuing to fight with the hope of victory though recognizing that this might not end in victory over the cancer

Which is providing me the opportunity to learn to trust and hope in God like I've never had to before

 An opportunity that I never would have chosen

And find incredibly difficult

But I realize deep inside could bring me the deepest joy and peace imaginable

Unable to be rocked by anything or anyone!

And that's good:)

One encouraging piece of information...

I had blood work done in September that showed that I was anemic

And the concern was that the cancer may be affecting my body's ability to produce red blood cells

So I was put on an iron supplement to see if it would help

And it did!

Yay!

Thank you again for caring and praying and sending notes of encouragement

You all are a source of strength in the fight

Dave

I'm Tired

I'm Tired...

of

taking 200 supplements every day

detoxing my body 4 times each day

eating only a special restrictive diet

that my wife, Cindy, does an incredible job making taste delicious

but

has eliminated from my diet

juicy hamburgers

Papa Murphy's pizza

BBQ ribs

an IPA

Bailey's Irish Cream milkshakes

donuts

eating out (try finding a restaurant that has totally organic, vegetarian, whole grain, no sugar menu items)

you will be looking in vain...or surprise me:)

you get the idea!

I'm tired...

of having absolutely no energy

of not being able to attend church because it would wipe me out for the rest of the week

of only being able to attend half of an event because I can't handle any more than that

of feeling yucky much of the time

of feeling like I'm getting worse, not better

my breathing worse than it used to be
(I will be going to the doctor again this week to see if my lungs need to be drained again)

I'm tired...

of doing this day after day after day

and not having any idea of whether things are better or worse:(
(none of the scans were able to detect the extent of my lung cancer, so there is no real point in getting another one)

I'm tired...

of fighting this Enemy Within - Cancer

Question:

When is it okay to quit fighting?

Not to hasten the dying process

But to increase the enjoyment of the remaining living process

I know, I know

A heavy, heavy question that breeds many more questions

Questions I wrestle with every day

As, in my tiredness, I live out this Cancer Journey.

This blog will come as a shock to many of you

Who think of me as a strong person

A fighter

Now you know the truth

I'm tired...

Thanks for listening and praying

A Good Day

Saturday was a full day

And a good one

In the morning was my mom's memorial service

It was both a time of grieving her absence

And celebrating her life

What a treat to see the many, many people who came to celebrate and honor her

Some whom we had not seen for decades!

Mom was definitely a woman who impacted many people by her life and love

Through her hospitality, teaching, praying and pouring her life out in loving service of others

I'm thankful to God for her.

In the evening was The Coffee Oasis Annual Gala Fundraiser

Thankfully I got a good nap in between the two:)

Because they both took a lot of social interaction and emotional energy

At least for this introvert whose body is also battling an enemy inside!

What an evening...

It was at the Kitsap Conference Center and had sold out a couple of weeks before

It's been amazing and incredible to see how God has blessed The Coffee Oasis over the past 22 years and increased the number of people who are eager to support our ministry to homeless youth

Three highlights...

1. Several of our youth shared and did an incredible job

It was the heart of the evening and made a fundraiser more like a family sharing time that couldn't help but move and impact anyone in attendance

As they heard the youth's stories and how their lives have been impacted

2. Our goal was to raise $65,000 and we raised $88,481

Oh, yes!

And, all the Puget Sound area MOD Pizza locations that night contributed 10% of their sales towards the The Coffee Oasis

So there is more to come!

We are so thankful and blessed:)

3. We announced Daniel, our son, as the new Executive Director beginning January 1, 2020

To be honest, I didn't do much announcing

But with Cindy's help got through it with a lot of tears and sat down!

What a blessing it is to pass the reigns of leadership to Daniel

Again we have much to be thankful for:)

And I was exhausted!

And I crashed:(

Basically slept all day today...Sunday

As my body tried to recoup from all the interaction and emotion

It will probably even take a couple more days to recover

It is really, really hard being sooooo weak:(

Having so little capacity for social interaction and engagement

It, as I've shared before, easily leads down a path of mental battling

And discouragement

Which is obviously compounded by physical weakness and emotional exhaustion

However, in the midst of the battle, it was a good day

I am very thankful

Nothing is Easy

So...I had my left lung drained last Wednesday, September 25th

What should have been an easy procedure bringing me relief and an expanded capacity to breathe

Especially considering that they took out 1,500cc of fluid from my lung!

Which I knew was a lot when the doctor looked at the ultrasound and commented...

That's a lot of fluid!

It did bring relief

Kind of

Except that nothing about my body seems to cooperate like a normal body:(

I was out of the hospital in under two hours with the expectation that all was well

But, it wasn't

I couldn't bend over or lay down without really sharp pain in my left lung!

I could breathe better but not deeply without the sharp pain

For the next two nights I had to sleep sitting up in a chair to not experience the pain

Something was obviously not what it should be

So I had another chest X-ray two days later on Friday, September 27th to try and figure out what was causing the pain

The X-ray looked good

Which was both good news and bad news

Good news because my lung showed that it was expanding as it should

Bad news because there was no indication of what was causing the pain:(

The only solution seemed to be pain management (i.e. taking pain medication) to try and ease the pain so that I could lay down and breathe deeply

Instead I decided to try something else...because I really do NOT like taking medication

I propped myself up at a 45 degree angle while laying down

And I was able to sleep that way for the next two days!

So I lowered the angle to about 20 degrees the third day and it again worked

Finally, for the last two days I have been able to lay completely flat without pain as well as bending over without pain

Hallelujah!

It seems that my lung was so scrunched up from the amount of fluid that the expanding process was abnormally painful

It does seem that nothing is easy in this cancer journey

It is definitely a day by day by day journey...

On Sunday, two days ago, we had an open house at our generously finished lake cabin

Which was a wonderful time visiting with and thanking people

But the aftermath of such social ventures is really rough...causing me to physically, mentally and emotionally "crash" for some days due to the output it requires and the very little capacity that I still have in this body that is in the midst of battling cancer

So, I would appreciate prayer for the end of this week...

My mom's Memorial Service and The Coffee Oasis Annual Gala Fundraiser are both on this coming Saturday!

And I will be speaking at both:)

Thank you again for your support and encouragement and prayer

Dave

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I didn't want to come...

An ultrasound guided thoracocentesis (I think I spelled it right!)

To put it in layman's language:

My left lung will be drained of about one and a half liters of fluid

It's been getting increasingly difficult to breathe with more shortness of breath especially when I bend over to pick something up

It's supposed to be a quick in and out (two hours) procedure

It's just the history I talked about in my last blog that's there in the back of my mind:(

The hope is that with the fluid gone, my left lung can re-expand improving my breathing

That is the unknown...

If the fluid will come back

Quickly

Slowly

Partially

Completely

Or...not at all

Which would obviously be the optimum desired end:)

The waiting and deciding process has been hard...and good

Hard, because it's felt like the "beginning of the end"

And I like to breathe!!

Good, because it's made me continue to fight to "set my mind on things above, things that are good and lovely" and to learn practically, not just theoretically, that God is good and even in this, yes this cancer journey, he will cause it (me) to be used for good!

That sounded like a very brave statement

But believe me...

I feel mostly very weak most of the time!

Again, your encouragements and prayer and support mean more than you can imagine:)

Thanks

PS - One more thing about tomorrow that has added heartache...

My mom entered Hospice today and I just got word that she has only hours to live before going to her eternal home

Prayer for our family is much appreciated

Thanks again

History Repeating Itself?

One of my hardest memories from the past is the last months of my dad's life

Watching him battling lung cancer

Which we now know is the very cancer that I'm battling

A rare form of mesothelioma that derives from a genetic mutation passed on from my dad

I remember...

The repeated surgeries to remove tumors from around his lungs

(Which are not able to be removed in my case)

And the fluid needing to be drained out of his lungs as it would cause shortness of breath as it built up

Sorry, if this is getting a little graphic:(

But, it is this particular memory that is really rocking my world right now

As I seem to be experiencing increasing shortness of breath

Especially when I bend over to pick something up

Is this the beginning of the end?

Is this evidence that the cancer is spreading?

Is this my dad's cancer history repeating itself in me?

Kind of an inevitable way things are moving?

It's hard not to feel that's not what's happening

Not that I've given up...

Though I might feel like doing that every day
(which I guess is what much of life can be!)

So...remembering the need to breathe deep to keep the lungs working

Cindy and I went on a short walk/run (you heard it right!) two days ago

To get me breathing deep!

It did...

But it seems to have backfired yesterday as my breathing just seemed to get worse:(

That was hard.

It's not that I'm afraid to die

I'm not

I have a rock solid hope in Jesus

And the reality of an eternal life, amazing life that is mine because of my hope in him

There just seems to be so much more living for me to do

And needing to have fluid removed from my lungs seems to be too much like the beginning of the end

Like history repeating itself

So that's where I'm at today

Needing to decide what I need to do

Needing to experience God's peace

Needing to remember again that he is good

And I am not merely my dad's history repeating itself

Thanks for listening...

PS In the meantime, Cindy and I are going to go on a little hike to enjoy life together in God's beautiful creation:)

The Cycle

I am on my fourth treatment cycle

This is how it works...

For 20 days I take an immense amount of supplements (approximately 190/day) to both attack my malignant pleural mesothelioma and to build up my body in ways that it is deficient so that it can also better defend against the enemy within

This is supported by daily detoxing and a strict diet (aka no ice cream or donuts, plus a bunch of other food items that used to be on my menu selection!)

 A cycle ends with 5 days of no supplements to give my body a break, while at the same time doing additional detoxing to rid my body of the toxins that are being produced by the attack on the cancer cells

So, a full cycle is 25 days

And I began my fourth cycle four days ago

And my body doesn't like it...at all

I feel like I have a bad case of the flu (fever and body aches) all the time

It is the way the cycles work

As the pancreatic enzymes do their work on the cancer

My body feels like there is a war going on inside of me

Which I guess there is:(

And it usually lasts for several days at the beginning of each cycle

And with it the easy mental descent into darkness...

This isn't fair for Cindy...she needs a husband, not a patient

Will this ever end?

Will I ever have "value" again?

You get the idea

I really hate feeling crappy day after day after day!

But that seems to be my season right now

For however long that is

I'm not a very faithful blogger - don't feel up-to-it much of the time

But for those of you who still read these and pray and send notes of encouragement and are supporting me in the midst of this time

Thank you! 

You can't imagine the light and hope and strength it gives to me as I walk this cancer journey

Thank you!

I Survived My Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday

I turned 65!

The past few years...as I've aged:)

Birthdays have been increasingly hard

Kind of a reminder that I'm coming to the end of my days, I guess
(if anyone doubted how introspective I can be...doubt no longer!)

This one was really tough

Adding cancer to the mix made for a nasty combo

It didn't help that my body was feeling pretty lousy the days leading up to my birthday

I awoke with a low grade temp and aching all over

My family had a wonderful day planned

Church at 10:30am

Lunch out at our lake cabin at 1pm with family, including ALL of our children and grandchildren who are here for Daniel and Hannah's wedding tomorrow!

Everyone together in a relaxing environment

BUT when my alarm awoke me at 8am for my next round of pills, after already having been up several times throughout the night, I was done

I just couldn't see myself keeping doing it anymore, the diet, the supplements, the detox, the body aches, day after day, day after day

Sitting in my bed with the little baggie of pancreatic enzymes in my lap, I came the closest I have to quitting, saying "I just can't keep doing this"!

And thinking all kinds of negative thoughts:

This would probably be my last birthday anyway...

God is probably just keeping me alive for Daniel and Hannah's wedding...

I was too tired...too discouraged to keep doing it day after day

And I was physically feeling really lousy

I sat there, with my amazing wife refusing to leave my side ( I made her late for church!) for an hour and a half wrestling in my mind regarding what to do, while she prayed

Finally, I took them and agreed to be with the family at the cabin

It was hard not to feel encouraged surrounded by their affirmations of love and support all day long

Not to mention lots of texts and messages I received from many of you

So...I survived my birthday...barely!

Thanks again for all your varied ways of encouragement and support

They mean a lot

Learning to Live with Hard

If I've learned one thing through this Cancer Journey...

It's that I did not understand anything about suffering
(and I readily acknowledge that what I'm "suffering" is still peanuts compared to what multitudes of others are experiencing)

I never really "got" what it was like for people with

Chronic Pain

Mental Disease

PTSD

Addictions

Chronic Sickness

Physical Disease

I sought to have compassion, but was greatly lacking in empathy

I did not understand, I was told by some individuals

Which of course I protested and disagreed with

But...I really did not!

I didn't understand why individuals couldn't just...

Get their acts together

Be thankful in everything

Trust the Lord

Set their minds on things above

And things would be alright!

I get it a lot more now...

It's one thing to get through an acute problem or pain

But something chronic, ongoing, with no end in sight

That's another matter!

And what makes it harder for me

Is to think I should have already mastered this, figured it out, got my act together

And be full of peace and joy and contentment

In the midst of this Journey

Good grief...I'm a pastor!

But...not so:(

I have good moments

While listening to an encouraging song or a good audio book

Or experiencing the incredible love and encouragement of family and friends:)

I am massively blessed!

And yet the daily battle to experience joy and hope is hard

Really hard:(

It's interesting

How most of my life has been lived fighting for others to experience joy and hope

But how impotent and incompetent I feel in fighting for them myself!

So, again I am very thankful for you all who care and come alongside in a variety of ways to lift me up and support and encourage me in this Battle

Thank you!

WOW!

It was five months and three days ago, February 19, 2019 that my life was turned upside down when a chest x-ray revealed what was soon to be diagnosed as stage four malignant pleural mesothelioma.

Life, as I’d known it, was to a great degree put on hold in a full-throttled effort to deal with this enemy within.

One of those things put on hold was a house that Cindy and I were building on a small lake in Mason county as a get-a-way place for ourselves and others to be refreshed and renewed.

It had been a dream for years.

We’d completed the basic structure including roof, siding and rough-in plumbing, electrical and HVAC, and then my health situation eliminated me from continuing to do anything towards finishing the project.

It looked like our hoped for get-a-way had become an elusive dream that might not be realized for years.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

After much cajoling, Cindy, Daniel and Stephanie got me to go out to the lake house to "share a surprise with me".  Leaving the house is not something I look forward to both because of the strictness of the treatment regime I must adhere to and also how easily I get exhausted as my body fights this enemy, cancer.

WOW!

I was soon overwhelmed with emotion as we drove down the driveway and I saw what was quickly revealed to be a totally completed, final inspection passed, absolutely gorgeous house!  

I was stunned.  I had no idea.  Walking through the completed and fully furnished home was like thumbing through the pages of Sunset magazine!

What had happened?

An incredible, amazing, and stunning demonstration of love by Jesus’ followers as dozens of volunteers from The Refuge Church and The Coffee Oasis, along with other friends, gave of their time (hundreds of hours) and money (thousands of dollars) to perform what seemed to me to be a miracle!

All I could do was cry

There is a lot that can be criticized about the church.  It is full of imperfect people.  (It includes me!)  I just saw another article last night about a well-known Christian author and his wife separating after 19 years of marriage.

BUT...the church is alive and well and demonstrating beautifully the love of Jesus in our corner of the world!!

And what a HUGE encouragement and blessing to me again of the tons of individuals out there who care and support me in this cancer journey!

I am a blessed man!

Thank you all for being there.

Dave

PS I really needed it too as the days before had been pretty dark days walking this journey.

Back At It

Yesterday I began again The Treatment Program

After 10 days trying to figure out what was thought to be an allergic reaction to something

10 days later we still aren't sure what is going on

We stopped all the supplements and anything that we thought might be contributing to the rash and itching that makes me want to scratch my skin off of my body

But no real change

While I'm sitting here typing this, I am working hard at not scratching my skin off but I'm only being minimally successful:(

I am successfully restraining myself from screaming so as not to wake up Cindy!

So the best educated guess, at this point, is that what is going on in my body is actually a good thing

It is part of the detoxing process

My body ridding itself of stuff that needs to go for my body to be healthy
(do you like my scientific way of describing things!)

Like Candida

Which would be incredible
(you would understand if you've seen my toenails or the fingernails on my right hand!)

So The Treatment Program continues

With the hope that as the detoxing continues

And the yuck gets out

The itching and rash will merrily go its way also:)

To be honest, it was hard starting up again

After 10 days of not having to take 200 supplements every day and not having to get up every 45 minutes or so during the night

It was like a dark cloud beginning to descend and envelop my mind again

But after Day Two "back at it", I'm beginning again to get into the routine

Working again at a deep peace that guards my heart and mind day and night, day and night in the thick of My Cancer Journey as I'm learning to give it all to God constantly "with thanksgiving"

Yes...thanksgiving!

(some of you are thinking that I've really lost it now!)

That was the thought that went through my mind yesterday as I was thinking about this "nothing that I would have chosen" Cancer Journey that has become my new daily

Thanksgiving

For What?

For God offering me the opportunity to know Him and experience Him in a way that I haven't yet in my almost 65 years

As I learn to, in a way that I've never had to or chosen to, depend upon Him for grace and peace and joy and contentment

When I feel like scratching my skin off or giving up or spiraling into despair because of this Cancer Journey

Hmmm...

That is my daily desire and challenge and battle

Thanks again for all the support and encouragement:)

Stopped!

Well...I guess it was never promised that this was going to be easy...

Five days ago I had an allergic reaction to something

It began on the 20th day of The Treatment Program

Five days later it has not receded but continues to cause a rash throughout my body

Even on my tongue, which is very challenging!

It has not been lessened or gone away with Benadryl

I have spoken with the doctor several times in an attempt to figure out the culprit

No success:(

Oh my...

Tomorrow I will be going to my local doctor to probably get on Prednisone to bring this thing under control

In the meantime, I will be stopping The Treatment Program

No supplements or detox

I will continue with the diet

The hard thing is that we have no idea what is causing the allergic reaction in order to do something about it

Yes...it is discouraging

It is also taking a bit of a toll on my body

Which is partly due to the Benadryl which makes me sleepy much of the time

Would appreciate your prayers for wisdom in figuring this thing out in order to get back on track with The Treatment Program as soon as possible.

Till next time...

PS I continue to appreciate your notes of encouragement along the way...thank you!

One Step at a Time

I never thought that one of my favorite children's songs, that we still listen to with our grandkids, would be so relevant to me today

"Psalty the Singing Songbook" is taking some kids on a camping trip which involves hiking to the top of a mountain to get to their camping spot

If you've ever taken young children on a hike up a mountain, you understand:)

Are we ever going to get there?

Why did we come on this hike?

Can we go back down?

Kind of sounds like what can go through my mind every day as I contemplate the mountain called My Cancer Journey and The Treatment Program!

This is so different than my life has been

It's one of the things that I've loved about The Coffee Oasis

Constantly having the opportunity to set new vision, to dream and plan and strategize and then seek to implement with others how we could best fulfill the mission to which God had called us

Every day could be so different

Maybe yesterday's focus being on how to improve and expand housing options for youth experiencing homelessness

Whereas today's focus might be on how to strengthen our coffee businesses for them to be more profitable in supporting our mission

While tomorrow's focus could be a seminar on building donor relations, or attending a specialty coffee conference or having a site visit with a potential funder

Now...I'm climbing My Mountain "one step at a time" as the song goes

And I'm finding that I don't do very well with the same thing every day
(and my respect to those of you whose days are that way!!)

I can't rush it, make it happen quicker, strategize it away or set a vision for it to be better or different

It is the same thing...the supplements, diet and detox...every day

Done very strictly and routinely the same way every day

Day after day after day after day...

I can understand if some of you are thinking right now

"Buck up Dave!"

Two weeks down and only 102 weeks to go!!

Or, maybe, more...

That seems like an eternity to me

The same exact thing, 24/7, day after day after day

You get the idea

What am I going to do?

I need to find purpose IN this new daily that is mine

The thing is...I know all the answers!

I've been pretty good at sharing them with others

Now...in the crucible of My Cancer Journey I have the opportunity to seek to live them out

To really experience joy and gratitude and contentment in this new daily that is now mine

I know I should have figured it out by now

And be writing right now of how great I'm doing...every day
(please don't think that every day is horrible-I have good days!)

But here I am...still needing your prayer and appreciating so much your support

Thanks so much for standing with me in this daily learning journey

The Battle

Day after day...

200 supplements

4 detoxes

Juicing

Making special cereals and nut milks and all organic, vegetarian meals (These are almost all done by Mrs. Amazing!)

Only having three 2-hour time frames to eat...and not eating if I miss those time frames

Not really wanting to eat as I'm bloated from all the water I have to drink to down 200 supplements!

Most days feeling like I have the flu, achy and lousy, due to the toxins being drawn out of my body

What is the point?

How long can I do this?

So the spiral downwards can easily happen...

Such is The Battle

It is a battle for my mind, my thoughts

It is learning to be content and find peace and have joy...really be happy in the midst of this cancer journey

NOT because I accomplished something important today or was a part of achieving something significant...a young life impacted, a new Coffee Oasis location opened or another individual who became excited about our mission to change the world for homeless youth

BUT because I am really learning to "be still and know that HE is GOD"

By learning to rest in His love, to trust in His purposes and to meditate upon His person and promises

To know Him in a way that I've known about Him and talked about Him

But was so busy accomplishing things FOR Him that I didn't make the same amount of time to experience Him...to know Him like a good friend.

Such is The Battle for my mind and thoughts

Because I'm not accomplishing any important or significant things nowadays to bring joy

It has to come deeper

Isaiah 26:3 says "God will keep in perfect peace the one whose MIND is stayed on Him"

I've known that verse for decades...

Now it's time to really practice it...hard work!

I don't know if this makes any sense

It's the stuff going around and around in my mind every day in my cancer journey

And it's not be any means a "successful" fight every day:(

That's how you can pray for me...thanks much

A Discouraging Report

Yesterday was a tough day...

I had a scheduled CT Scan and follow up consultation with my SCCA oncologist.

Cindy and I went into the day not expecting bad news

We were wrong:(

When we met with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT Scan, he informed us immediately that the tumor in the lining of my left lung had grown significantly from the first CT Scan taken the end of February.

In 3 1/2 months it has grown approximately 40%

What was thought to be a slower growing tumor has shown itself to be much more aggressive

Really hard news

His contentment one month ago to "do nothing" because I was feeling good, changed to a concern that I needed to proceed immediately with chemotherapy in order to hopefully slow down the tumor growth.

Though, of course, potentially/probably negatively impacting my quality of life

Life and death decisions...

We declined to begin chemotherapy

I am only five days into The Treatment Program described in an earlier blog and we are committed to being committed to it

The Treatment Program and chemotherapy wouldn't work together

The plan is to return in 3 months to have another CT Scan and consultation with him

Such news is exhausting...usually impacting me for a couple of days or so

Kind of like getting walloped by someone's fist in your face

Not that I've ever experienced that:)

But I think it would take me a couple of days to recover from that!

So we regroup and keep working away at The Treatment Program

With a mixture of hope and tears and exhaustion and daily diligence to do what I need to do

Thanks so much again for praying and caring and sharing encouraging thoughts and songs

This is no sprint...

A Tribute

I can't continue this blog without a tribute to the amazing lady who is making this cancer journey possible...

My wife, CINDY.

She is incredible!

Of course, any of you who know her don't have to be told that...

So, I simply want to appreciate and honor her for a few minutes:)

Where is she right now as I'm typing this blog?

Shopping...and she doesn't like shopping:)

She has been doing it for hours today...and many other days

Finding out where to procure the organic items that now must make up our diet

We're talking a complete change to what I am able to eat

And she's right there with me, buying , preparing, juicing, and figuring out new recipes to make dishes that are appetizing and appropriate for my Treatment Program

Every step of the way and in every aspect of The Program she is proactively engaged, thinking about how we can do it and how we can do it better

Keeping me going, providing encouragement and being a rock when I feel like I'm sinking

I could never ask for a better best friend and support and wife

Proverbs 31:10-11 describes Cindy well:

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.

Thank you Cindy for being you, the incredible gift of God to me:)

I love you!

Day One

I made it through Day One!

To be totally transparent...it wasn't a total program Day One.

I won't receive half of my supplements until Wednesday, so instead of having to take 200+ supplements today I only had to take 100+!

Talk about a cake walk, right?

NO!

Let me give you a glimpse...

Every 4 hours I need to take 14 capsules of the pancreatic enzymes. 

The schedule is as follows:  12 am, 4 am, 8 am, 12 pm, 4 pm and 8 pm.

I'm a good pill taker...no, I don't mean that I take lots of pills.  I avoid taking medication unless I'm about to die, which is why, I guess, I'm taking so many pills now!

What I mean is that I can down a bunch of pills in one gulp, if needed.

Not these babies...they are BIG!

It takes me a pint of water (reverse osmosis, of course) just to get them all down.  It's a mental battle as I tried to swallow 6 of them the first time and almost regurgitated them all back.  So 3 is the limit.

The kicker is that I cannot have any food or drink (water excepted) one hour before or one hour after taking the pancreatic enzymes so they can do their thing without having food to digest.

That gives me two hour windows between enzyme intake (e.g. 5 am - 7 am) to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or any snack, or wait until the next window.

Which isn't as easy as it may sound with the demands of my diet...e.g. fresh made vegetable juice 2-4 tines/day, NO microwave, so everything needs to be cooked fresh, not to mention certain special foods that must be prepared and eaten daily as part of the diet (e.g. chia seeds soaked in coconut milk and fresh made almond milk).

Add to this a one-hour detox every morning and evening and Day One (minus 100 capsules!) has made it really clear that The Treatment Program is going to be life-consuming!

Which doesn't make Day Two something that I'm particularly anticipating:(

So, as you can tell, a huge part of this journey is going to be the mental battle...

Another round of pills, another detox, another thing to prepare...just to do it again and again and again and again...you get the idea.

Thoughts that go through my mind...

Is this living?  What is my purpose?  Can I find joy in the midst of this?  Why?

Thanks for listening...as I continue to share my journey and wrestle with the reality of what my life has become...

The Treatment Program

We arrived home this afternoon from New York.

It was great to visit and see the sights, but there is nothing like flying into SeaTac airport and seeing the mountains and water and trees!

It's good to be home.

But, to be honest, arriving home has also come with a bit of a dread - it's time to begin The Program.

Crazy, huh, to be dreading the thing that has the possibility of providing life and health from the dreaded cancer?

It gives you a glimpse into the trepidation and uncertainty and weakness that easily dominates my thinking as I embark upon this daily treatment journey.

So...to give you a glimpse of The Treatment Program:

1. Diet - To put it simply, the chickens of this world are now much safer!  We used to eat a lot of the feathered fowl (without the feathers, of course) as a healthier alternative to what other carnivores eat...but no more:(

My new diet is basically an organic, vegetarian diet.  Lots of raw vegetables and fruits along with whole grains, nuts, beans and seeds, with some fish and dairy thrown in to round things out.

It almost sounds like, rather than eating birds, I am beginning to eat more like a bird!

Actually, the Diet is the easiest part of The Program except for the elimination of good things like donuts and ice cream!

I still get to drink a few cups of our amazing Coffee Oasis fresh roasted organic coffee each week:)

Who am I to complain...

And, not that any of you are looking for advice but, reducing your daily sugar intact might make your body happier also.

Just saying...

2. Supplements - Lots of them.  LOTS of them.  Around 200+ each day spread out throughout the clock both to strengthen my body and to fight the cancer.

That's a lot of capsules to down every day.  That's a lot of water to drink.  Reverse osmosis water without chlorine or fluoride or other little minerals or bugs that may be lurking.

The supplements, like the diet, are particularly tailored to my body and my cancer treatment program.

The heart of the supplement program are pancreatic enzymes which are known cancer fighting agents.

3. Detox - Getting rid of the gunk.

I will spare you the details here!

The simple of it is regular, daily and monthly internal cleansing processes to get out the dead cancer cells and toxins being eliminated from the body as the diet and supplements are doing their thing.

I'm not looking forward to this part, but then I never really looked forward to running laps to get in shape either:)

Well, that about sums up The Treatment Program that begins TOMORROW!

Thanks for encouraging and supporting and praying me through this:)

One final thing for today's blog: If after reading this explanation of The Treatment Program you are thinking "that doesn't seem like it will do any good at all in fighting cancer" or "that's dumb" or something else of the sort; please keep it to yourself.

One of my oncologists had the same concern though what he had to offer me was nothing!

This doesn't have to be what you would choose or the route you would go...

This is my cancer journey and the route we are confident holds out a lot of HOPE for us.

Till next time...

New York

Traditional medicine giving up on me led to Cindy (my amazing wife) and I looking at alternative cancer treatment possibilities that might offer some hope.

There are actually a LOT of them out there, both in the USA and overseas.

If you have been given a "palliative" cancer diagnosis; don't give up...there are a lot of hopeful options!

So, we researched a lot of them, many offered by friends and friends of friends who have had family or friends facing what I am right now.

Talk about a life or death decision!

We settled on a treatment program in New York suggested by a friend whose son has seen much success in his fight against cancer through their program.

We thoroughly researched it and felt it was right for me.

So we are in New York...very much due to the support of family and friends who have made this journey, which is just beginning, financially possible.

Thank you:)

We arrived Wednesday and leave tomorrow, Sunday.

Our 39th wedding anniversary was yesterday so, besides meeting with the doctor on Thursday and Friday, we made an anniversary trip out of it seeing the sights of New York...or at least some highlights that can be had in a handful of days.

It's been great...but, man, it's been hard.

Meeting with the doctor was overwhelming, facing the reality and immensity of what lies ahead daily in my future of alternative cancer treatment.

It is not for the faint of heart.  It is going to be hard work...life consuming...seeking to stay alive in this fight against the enemy within!

It's easy to lose hope.

Especially on days like today when walking the streets and viewing the incredible sights of New York, I'm exhausted.  My energy gets zapped way too quickly.

I need to take a nap every day to make it through the day.

This isn't me...the guy who founded and has directed a growing non-profit for 22 years!

How can I do this every day?  Will it always be this way?  What is the way forward?

Good questions that I'm doing a lot of thinking about as I begin this new stage of life.

Questions that I'll reflect on with you...and I'm happy for your feedback also along the way.

Time for bed.  We have an early flight home tomorrow...

The Beginning

Let me start at the beginning...

No, not Genesis 1:1 or the Big Bang...or August 18, 1954 when I was introduced to planet Earth!

February 19, 2019

It was on that day that my world was turned upside down.  I went to the doctor feeling really nasty and thinking I might have pneumonia.  A chest x-ray showed a "circular density" in the lining of my left lung. A quick succession of scans and tests and biopsies revealed malignant pleural  mesothelioma.

Wow!

I was referred to specialists at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and the University of Washington Medical Center with the hope that I might qualify for a clinical trial using immunotherapy. 

Nope.

A scope and biopsy of my right lung showed that the mesothelioma had metastasized and my diagnosis was changed to "palliative care".

In other words, there was nothing they could do for me with stage 4 malignant pleural mesothelioma except maybe try to prolong my life using chemotherapy.

No thanks.

Was this it or was there any hope?

I'll be honest.  There were some really dark days during those initial weeks of one more piece of bad news after another.  There still are some rough days if I dwell on the way that my world has been rocked, or if I mull over the possibility of leaving me wife and children and grandchildren, or if I focus on the stark reality that I have this enemy inside of me seeking to suck the life out of me.

I don't want to die.  I still have a lot of living that I want to do!

And so this journey has led to lots of research and reflection...

And it is on that journey that I invite you to join me.

Thank you for listening and thank you for caring and supporting.

Till next time...