Discouragingly Downward

How could I have imagined the many twists and turns

Ups and downs

Unknowns and uncertainties

That would be brought on by this cancer journey?

When we lived in the Philippines

The young men who didn't work

And just hung out doing nothing with their lives

Were called "kain, tulogs"

Eaters and Sleepers!

That's what they did with their lives

And now that's mostly what I do with my life!

Eat and Sleep...

What a life!

It often makes me struggle with the point and purpose

Of why I'm still around

And what value or worth I bring to the world

As I go day to day 

Hurting and sleeping and eating.

Starting immunotherapy again last Friday, May 21

Seemed to go well

No bad reactions during or after the infusion

Though I don't know if it provided any help either...

Time will tell, I guess

In the meantime

Things have gotten discouragingly worse.

It seems that the mesothelioma

Has invaded my lymph system

Resulting, as you know, in my right lung filling with fluid

And now...

Causing serious swelling and pain

In my groin and left hip

Resulting in me now being unable to walk

Without a walker 

And with a lot of pain.

It has made me much more dependent upon help

And placed a much greater burden on Cindy

Though she wouldn't call it a burden.

This new development has resulted in 

Many tears and discouragement

Grappling with my diminishing physical state.

My initial emotion was anger...

WHY this?

Haven't I gone through enough?

But as I've made it through a few days now

With this new discouraging development 

It's weird 

But I find myself singing a song in my head

That brings me perspective and peace

"Oh Lord, you are beautiful,

Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child,

Your grace abounds to me!"

Crazy!

It was Job who said at the beginning of his immense sufferings

"Shall I receive good from the Lord and not bad?"

In life they do go hand in hand

Although it is easy for us to

Delight in the one and complain about the other!

The plan is to add chemotherapy now 

To the immunotherapy

With the hope that it might impact the cancer's

Invasion into the lymph system.

We'll see

How it goes 

And if my body can handle it...

But in the meantime I want my song and prayer to continue to be:

"Oh Lord, you are beautiful,

Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child

Your grace abounds to me!"

How I need His grace every minute of every day!

Thanks for listening and supporting and praying...

Dave

Grateful and Anxious

I am so thankful for the incredible wedding weekend

I was able to enjoy with family and friends

This past Friday and Saturday!

The weather was amazing...

How often do you get

75 degrees and sunshine

In the middle of May

In western Washington?!

Wow!

To be alive to experience the celebration

With all of our kids and grandkids

To be able to walk our youngest daughter

Stephanie

Down the mulch pathway

Created by Cindy

Overlooking our beautiful lake property

And then perform the wedding ceremony

Uniting Stephanie and Timothy

As husband and wife

Was a privilege I would not have thought

I would be alive to experience

Several months ago.

I am grateful.

I am now recuperating 

From the weekend!

Spending hours sleeping away the exhaustion

That comes with such an output of energy!

But, I am so grateful.

I have also been struggling

With some anxiety

Over what lies ahead...

The uncertainty and unknown

Of the impact

Immunotherapy and Radiation

Will have on my body.

This Friday I begin again immunotherapy infusions

Every three weeks.

The following Monday

I am tentatively scheduled

To go to Seattle

To get prepped

For proton radiation therapy

To begin on June 7

Our 41st wedding anniversary!

The plan will be

For Cindy and I to temporarily

Move to north Seattle 

For the 4-5 weeks of the proton radiation therapy

Which will take place

Monday through Friday 

During those weeks.

In the meantime...

Breathing is getting harder again

Which indicates that another thoracentesis

Is on the horizon in the near future

To drain fluid from my right lung.

The daily challenge of the cancer journey continues on...

Appreciate you all listening and supporting,

Dave

Breath

"It's in Him that we live and breathe and have our existence"

Tomorrow will be my third thoracentesis in a month!

(Note: A thoracentesis is the draining of fluid from one of the lungs)

The realization that a thoracentesis is needed

Begins with

Feeling pressure in my chest

Increasing shortness of breath

As the fluid builds up in my right lung

Making it difficult to lie on my back

Put on my socks

Take a shower

Without having to pause

To catch my breath

To breathe normally.

It is scary...

Something those of you with

Asthma

Emphysema

Chronic Bronchitis

Understand much better than me.

Feeling like you are breathing through a straw

Fighting to catch your breath

When others around you have no difficulty breathing.

I think it's the closest I come to panicking

In this unpredictable cancer journey

That I embarked upon over two years ago

As I struggle to breath

Wondering if my next breath

Will be a breath

Or blocked

By the fluid building up in my lung!

Then it dawned on me

A couple of days ago

As I was gasping for air

That the Spirit of God

Is called the Breath of God!

The One I need to really live

And breathe

And spiritually thrive!

How desperate I am to physically breathe

Yet how easy it is for me to live 

Without His breath

Breathing spiritual life into me

Spiritually sustaining and enabling me

To be all that God has made me to be!

My doctor isn't certain what is causing the fluid 

To build up in my right lung

Part of the ongoing uncertainty

That has plagued this cancer journey

Though probably in some way the result of 

The enemy cancer lurking in my chest cavity.

The plan is to begin again soon

Immunotherapy 

With the hope that it will slow or stop

The growth of the mesothelioma

Tumor and nodules in my lungs

As well as proton radiation

To reduce the size of the tumor

Hovering above my heart.

The challenge and uncertainty

Of these treatments

Being the toll they will take upon my body

And its ability to handle them...

More on those treatments

As they become solidified.

My ERCP surgical procedure this past Monday

Was successful

In removing the stent

That had been placed in my bile duct 

To reduce the inflammation

That had been causing 

A sludge blockage

And extreme pain!

Yay!

That's it for now...

Thanks again for following my journey

And providing such incredible encouragement

To me

Along the way!

Blessings,

Dave

Unconditional Love

 An Ode to My Wife on Her Birthday

What a great deal I got…

Nothing I could have bought

Or even with luck sought.

All my life that which I longed for…

A love not dependent on my performance

Or importance

Or output

But consistently

And lavishly

And persistently

Committed to loving me

As me

Cancer ridden me!

My amazing wife…

CINDY!

God’s personification of unconditional love

To me

In my sickness

Weakness

Weariness

And pain

Committed to caring for me

When I give up on me

Committed to supporting me

When all I can manage is eat and sleep

Committed to loving me

Unconditionally!

Even when I try to push her away

Her love doesn’t for a moment sway

Through thick and thin

She’s in it to the end!

Unselfish, sacrificial

Love Unconditional

An amazing reflection

Of God’s unconditional affection

For us

In Jesus!

Who loved us

Not because we were righteous

Or winners

But when we were sinners!

Jesus

Died for us!

And the Father loves us!

Not only when we obey

Or from the straight and narrow never stray

But simply because we are His

God’s kids!

Unconditionally loved!

Yes!!

Happy Birthday Cindy!

More Opportunities to Trust

“But if I go to the east, he is not there;
    if I go to the west, I do not find him.
9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
    when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
    when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." (Job 23:8-10)

Nothing has been easy about this cancer journey...

My last blog on April 14 stated:

The next opportunity for dependence

Although I'm sure there will be others also!

Is on May 3rd...

Never were truer words spoken!

I am writing this blog

Having just awakened from a much needed nap

Following ANOTHER thoracentesis of my right lung today

Just 9 days after the one referred to in my last blog on April 13.

This thoracentesis followed two ER trips

Within those 9 days

Because of increasing pain and shortness of breath

Which revealed in addition to continued fluid accumulation

A pneumothorax in my right lung.

A pneumothorax is a collapsed lung. A pneumothorax occurs when air leaks into the space between your lung and chest wall. This air pushes on the outside of your lung and makes it collapse. My pneumothorax was a collapse of only a small portion of the right lung.

A pneumothorax can be caused by a blunt or penetrating chest injury, certain medical procedures, or damage from underlying lung disease. Or it may occur for no obvious reason. Symptoms usually include sudden chest pain and shortness of breath.

So there you have it...

A pneumothorax

Which the doctors do not have any idea how it happened!

My latest opportunity to depend and trust!

These opportunities to trust

Which are always filled with challenging pain and so many unknowns

Continue to breed the question "why?" 

Why Lord is it necessary to go through this pain?

Why Lord can there be no break in the pain?

Why Lord, me?

And yet even though I do not know what He is doing

Or why He is doing it

I am learning to trust Him!

This cancer journey has rocked my world

Ripped in pieces my life

And yet it has not destroyed my foundation!

"He knows the way that I take

And when He has tested me

I will come forth as gold!"

This is definitely not because I have great faith

Or some great ability to trust

Oh no...

My faith has been rocked to the core many, many, many times!

Rather...

It is because I'm convinced of who God is

And that He is worthy of my trust

And that He is good and will cause all these things to work together for my good

Though I cannot, in my limited vision and understanding, 

See or understand what is happening or why...

"I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." (2 Timothy 1:12)

Still learning to trust,

Dave

P.S. I am so thankful to be alive to celebrate one week from today the birthday 

Of the most amazing and loving woman that exists

And that I am privileged to call my wife!

From Faith to Faith

"In the Gospel the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith."  (Romans 1:17)

That's it!

It struck me as I am recuperating today from yet another surgical procedure

I had yesterday...

A thoracentesis (i.e. draining fluid) of my right lung...

And feeling pretty punky (Is that a word?)

It's amazing how such a procedure traumatizes your whole body.

That such is exactly what this hard cancer journey provides...

One opportunity after another to depend desperately upon God

In my weakness and pain and suffering

In order to know and experience better him and his strength and power

In a way that I would not otherwise

Because when things are going okay

It is easiest to depend on my own strength and wisdom and power

Rather than on God's.

Well...hopefully remembering will help me

To do a better job of depending...

HELP!

Rather than mentally and emotionally and spiritually battling...

I GIVE UP!

Not that everything will now be hunky dory!

Pain is still pain

Suffering is still suffering

Weakness is still weakness

But the focus of my thoughts does make a big difference

Either hoping and trusting in God's goodness and purpose

Or just mentally struggling with my wretched situation.

And there certainly has been and continues to be

Plenty of opportunity to struggle throughout this cancer journey.

(I guess we are all faced with such opportunities almost every day!)

It was last Thursday that I went to the ER

Because of difficulty breathing and sharp pain in my right back

But after waiting 5 hours 

And with no hope of being seen within this century

I left preferring to be in bed at home

Rather than sitting with no hope of being seen

In an uncomfortable ER waiting room chair.

My oncologist scheduled the thoracentesis for yesterday instead

They drained 1,500ml of fluid out of my right lung.

The shortness of breath, pressure on my chest and sharp pain in my right back

Immediately have improved

As I am working at breathing deeply and reinflating my lung.

(You can pray that I work on this hourly despite the pain!)

The next opportunity for dependence

Although I'm sure there will be others also!

Is on May 3 when I will be having my third ERCP surgical procedure

To remove the temporary stent placed in my bile duct

In order to reduce the inflammation that was causing blockage

And a lot of abdominal pain.

In the meantime we continue to ponder and pray 

About what is next...

Right now we are leaning in the direction of proton radiation of the tumor

Which would take place in north Seattle

At the SCCA proton radiation center.

We do covet your prayer as this decision is still very much in process.

Thank you again for your incredible support and encouragement

As we travel this cancer journey together.

Blessings,

Dave

Decisions Decisions

Before I give the latest update on my cancer journey

And the major decision that Cindy and I have to make

I think it is REALLY important to remember that

Tomorrow is Easter

And we are celebrating the fact that...

Jesus is Risen!!

Being on this cancer journey

With a prognosis of incurable, terminal cancer

Makes the reality of Easter

Very REAL!

The fact that Jesus died on the cross

Was buried in a tomb for three days

And then came ALIVE

Bodily resurrected...

Gives sure HOPE that I too

When cancer (or something else)

Ends my life on this earth

I too...

Because of my hope in Jesus

Will LIVE again!

Forever live again!

YES!

That is our Easter hope...

Thank you Jesus!

And now for the decisions that are before Cindy and I...

We met with my oncologist yesterday

And he laid before us these four options 

That he thinks we should consider

And decide upon in moving forward

From the least aggressive to the most aggressive approach:

1. Begin again one immunotherapy drug

2. Begin again two immunotherapy drugs

3. Begin again two immunotherapy drugs and one chemotherapy drug

4. Do nothing and as cancer grows provide comfort for pain

These are the options before us keeping in mind two things...

*That I haven't had any immunotherapy or chemotherapy

Since December because of the toll it was taking on my body

*That I am still in the middle of the surgeries

Because of the gallbladder and bile duct issues I've encountered

Requiring another ERCP surgical procedure

In approximately 2-4 weeks.

So...

What to decide?

When to decide?

Will any of the decisions make a difference or merely cause more pain and trauma to my body?

Is radiation still a possibility?

Are there any other options out there that are not yet known to us?

So...

Thank you again for your support and prayer

As we seek God's wisdom in making 

These life and death decisions.

We do need wisdom as we feel the weight of these decisions before us

And the impact they will have on my life and death

Wanting to make the most of the days that God gives me

But not prolong life merely to prolong life

If it is merely prolonging pain and agony 

And an inability to really enjoy life

When, because of Easter,

I have endless LIFE promised!

Blessings,

Dave

P.S. HAPPY EASTER!!