Discouragingly Downward

How could I have imagined the many twists and turns

Ups and downs

Unknowns and uncertainties

That would be brought on by this cancer journey?

When we lived in the Philippines

The young men who didn't work

And just hung out doing nothing with their lives

Were called "kain, tulogs"

Eaters and Sleepers!

That's what they did with their lives

And now that's mostly what I do with my life!

Eat and Sleep...

What a life!

It often makes me struggle with the point and purpose

Of why I'm still around

And what value or worth I bring to the world

As I go day to day 

Hurting and sleeping and eating.

Starting immunotherapy again last Friday, May 21

Seemed to go well

No bad reactions during or after the infusion

Though I don't know if it provided any help either...

Time will tell, I guess

In the meantime

Things have gotten discouragingly worse.

It seems that the mesothelioma

Has invaded my lymph system

Resulting, as you know, in my right lung filling with fluid

And now...

Causing serious swelling and pain

In my groin and left hip

Resulting in me now being unable to walk

Without a walker 

And with a lot of pain.

It has made me much more dependent upon help

And placed a much greater burden on Cindy

Though she wouldn't call it a burden.

This new development has resulted in 

Many tears and discouragement

Grappling with my diminishing physical state.

My initial emotion was anger...

WHY this?

Haven't I gone through enough?

But as I've made it through a few days now

With this new discouraging development 

It's weird 

But I find myself singing a song in my head

That brings me perspective and peace

"Oh Lord, you are beautiful,

Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child,

Your grace abounds to me!"

Crazy!

It was Job who said at the beginning of his immense sufferings

"Shall I receive good from the Lord and not bad?"

In life they do go hand in hand

Although it is easy for us to

Delight in the one and complain about the other!

The plan is to add chemotherapy now 

To the immunotherapy

With the hope that it might impact the cancer's

Invasion into the lymph system.

We'll see

How it goes 

And if my body can handle it...

But in the meantime I want my song and prayer to continue to be:

"Oh Lord, you are beautiful,

Your face is all I seek.

And when your eyes are on this child

Your grace abounds to me!"

How I need His grace every minute of every day!

Thanks for listening and supporting and praying...

Dave

Grateful and Anxious

I am so thankful for the incredible wedding weekend

I was able to enjoy with family and friends

This past Friday and Saturday!

The weather was amazing...

How often do you get

75 degrees and sunshine

In the middle of May

In western Washington?!

Wow!

To be alive to experience the celebration

With all of our kids and grandkids

To be able to walk our youngest daughter

Stephanie

Down the mulch pathway

Created by Cindy

Overlooking our beautiful lake property

And then perform the wedding ceremony

Uniting Stephanie and Timothy

As husband and wife

Was a privilege I would not have thought

I would be alive to experience

Several months ago.

I am grateful.

I am now recuperating 

From the weekend!

Spending hours sleeping away the exhaustion

That comes with such an output of energy!

But, I am so grateful.

I have also been struggling

With some anxiety

Over what lies ahead...

The uncertainty and unknown

Of the impact

Immunotherapy and Radiation

Will have on my body.

This Friday I begin again immunotherapy infusions

Every three weeks.

The following Monday

I am tentatively scheduled

To go to Seattle

To get prepped

For proton radiation therapy

To begin on June 7

Our 41st wedding anniversary!

The plan will be

For Cindy and I to temporarily

Move to north Seattle 

For the 4-5 weeks of the proton radiation therapy

Which will take place

Monday through Friday 

During those weeks.

In the meantime...

Breathing is getting harder again

Which indicates that another thoracentesis

Is on the horizon in the near future

To drain fluid from my right lung.

The daily challenge of the cancer journey continues on...

Appreciate you all listening and supporting,

Dave

Breath

"It's in Him that we live and breathe and have our existence"

Tomorrow will be my third thoracentesis in a month!

(Note: A thoracentesis is the draining of fluid from one of the lungs)

The realization that a thoracentesis is needed

Begins with

Feeling pressure in my chest

Increasing shortness of breath

As the fluid builds up in my right lung

Making it difficult to lie on my back

Put on my socks

Take a shower

Without having to pause

To catch my breath

To breathe normally.

It is scary...

Something those of you with

Asthma

Emphysema

Chronic Bronchitis

Understand much better than me.

Feeling like you are breathing through a straw

Fighting to catch your breath

When others around you have no difficulty breathing.

I think it's the closest I come to panicking

In this unpredictable cancer journey

That I embarked upon over two years ago

As I struggle to breath

Wondering if my next breath

Will be a breath

Or blocked

By the fluid building up in my lung!

Then it dawned on me

A couple of days ago

As I was gasping for air

That the Spirit of God

Is called the Breath of God!

The One I need to really live

And breathe

And spiritually thrive!

How desperate I am to physically breathe

Yet how easy it is for me to live 

Without His breath

Breathing spiritual life into me

Spiritually sustaining and enabling me

To be all that God has made me to be!

My doctor isn't certain what is causing the fluid 

To build up in my right lung

Part of the ongoing uncertainty

That has plagued this cancer journey

Though probably in some way the result of 

The enemy cancer lurking in my chest cavity.

The plan is to begin again soon

Immunotherapy 

With the hope that it will slow or stop

The growth of the mesothelioma

Tumor and nodules in my lungs

As well as proton radiation

To reduce the size of the tumor

Hovering above my heart.

The challenge and uncertainty

Of these treatments

Being the toll they will take upon my body

And its ability to handle them...

More on those treatments

As they become solidified.

My ERCP surgical procedure this past Monday

Was successful

In removing the stent

That had been placed in my bile duct 

To reduce the inflammation

That had been causing 

A sludge blockage

And extreme pain!

Yay!

That's it for now...

Thanks again for following my journey

And providing such incredible encouragement

To me

Along the way!

Blessings,

Dave