This cancer journey has been so hard
Daily wrestling with the gnawing pain
That finds one way or another to present itself
Causing a sense of hopelessness
That my end of days will be nothing more than
One form of pain or another.
This morning was a good example
Waking up with my whole body
Throbbing and aching
From who knows what or why...
Resulting in a not untypical
Time of body-shaking sobbing
As Cindy attempted to comfort me
In my pain and sadness and hopelessness.
I told her as we lay there
"I feel like I've lost my way"
As my life and thinking for months and months
Has been consumed with hardly anything else except the pain
That plagues me virtually every minute of the day
With momentary hopes of relief being shattered
With a new variety of pain and suffering that presents itself.
It has made me long for heaven
But struggle to end my last days on earth well
(However many they may be)
Being so preoccupied with my pain.
Why does God allow such suffering?
Why is it necessary?
How do I end well when in such pain?
Questions and more questions...
Kind of reminds me of reading the book of Job!
Then Daniel shared a song with me this morning
That again helped bring back perspective...
"I am Loved" by Matt Brock.
Reminding me of who I am and whose I am
And helping me again to rest in the TRUTH
And in God's goodness and good purposes
Which I might never understand
But I can trust and embrace.
A few lines from the song
Which were just what I needed...
"Just as I am, you welcome me"
"There is no disappointment in your eyes"
"There is no shame, only pride"
"I am your child and that's all that matters"
I don't know about you
But when I'm suffering
My mind goes crazy and not in a good direction!
I think the worst
I believe all kinds of lies
The enemy puts in my mind
The failure I am
The mistakes I've made
(And there have been a lot!)
And become overwhelmed with regret and failure.
Maybe, a huge part of this pain and suffering
Is to come to the point
In my absolute weakness and pain and hopelessness
That I believe...
I AM LOVED
Simply because...
I am God's child
And...
HE loves ME!
Period!!
Not because I've accomplished or achieved anything!
Just me weak and in pain
Unable to accomplish hardly anything
Loved!
Thank you Lord!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings!
Dave
Oh Dave - that was incredibly beautiful and raw... I hope with all my heart that you will find comfort in God's word and remember HE LOVES YOU! I am struck by the irony of your words. I am SURE that there were many points in your life where you were there for someone who was experiencing their own Hell. Where you helped them to find their way however long it took, you didn't give up on them until they could stand strong. You know how it's done... it may be difficult to minister to yourself but what if you could distance yourself from yourself? What if you could see yourself as the person you ministered to? What if you showered yourself with your own love, patience, compassion and faith as if you were giving it to someone else? Meanwhile, I'll continue to pray for your peace, free of pain, with joy in your heart and standing strong <3.
ReplyDeleteDear Dave:
ReplyDeleteChoosing to listen to God's voice, the Tree of Life, will end well for you, and all of us who choose the same. God is in the struggle with you. He loves you so much. Too many times we are angry with God for the struggles we are in, but He is saying to us that He has experienced it, too, when He sent His Son to die for us, so we can be saved from utter darkness, separated from God. You know this message well. You are a living testimony by your faith in Christ. Thank you! Love from Shelley and Bob
I'm hurting for you David. I think I finally learned how to do this.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dave, for bringing us to this point of understanding through your suffering.
ReplyDeleteYour words perfectly describe my spiritual birth 40 years ago today...
ReplyDelete”In my absolute weakness and pain and hopelessness
That I believe...
I AM LOVED
Simply because...
I am God's child
And...
HE loves ME!
Period!!
Not because I've accomplished or achieved anything!
Just me weak and in pain
Unable to accomplish hardly anything
Loved!
Thank you Lord!”
Thank you Dave! You are loved.
Dearest Dave and loving wife...
ReplyDeleteHow precious is this time together for you to truely experience and embrace the Deepest Love that you so honestly share. Your vulnerability is A Gift to all who read your words of anguish, confusion, surrender, anger, submission and unwelcome pain. If only we could pray it all away, wish it away or simply kick it away. We know not why other then all is to glorify Him. You dear ones are doing just that.
Just ugh. Someday we will know the reason for all this. But for now, I'll just pray for tenacity as you keep your eyes on Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping so much this blog would say 'Pain is gone!', and that you were healing....You are loved, Dave. I'll keep praying.
ReplyDelete