I am Loved

This cancer journey has been so hard

Daily wrestling with the gnawing pain

That finds one way or another to present itself

Causing a sense of hopelessness

That my end of days will be nothing more than

One form of pain or another.

This morning was a good example

Waking up with my whole body 

Throbbing and aching

From who knows what or why...

Resulting in a not untypical

Time of body-shaking sobbing

As Cindy attempted to comfort me

In my pain and sadness and hopelessness.

I told her as we lay there

"I feel like I've lost my way"

As my life and thinking for months and months

Has been consumed with hardly anything else except the pain

That plagues me virtually every minute of the day

With momentary hopes of relief being shattered

With a new variety of pain and suffering that presents itself.

It has made me long for heaven

But struggle to end my last days on earth well

(However many they may be)

Being so preoccupied with my pain.

Why does God allow such suffering?

Why is it necessary?

How do I end well when in such pain?

Questions and more questions...

Kind of reminds me of reading the book of Job!

Then Daniel shared a song with me this morning

That again helped bring back perspective...

"I am Loved" by Matt Brock.

Reminding me of who I am and whose I am

And helping me again to rest in the TRUTH

And in God's goodness and good purposes

Which I might never understand 

But I can trust and embrace.

A few lines from the song

Which were just what I needed...

"Just as I am, you welcome me"

"There is no disappointment in your eyes"

"There is no shame, only pride"

"I am your child and that's all that matters"

I don't know about you

But when I'm suffering

My mind goes crazy and not in a good direction!

I think the worst

I believe all kinds of lies

The enemy puts in my mind

The failure I am

The mistakes I've made

(And there have been a lot!)

And become overwhelmed with regret and failure.

Maybe, a huge part of this pain and suffering

Is to come to the point

In my absolute weakness and pain and hopelessness

That I believe...

I AM LOVED

Simply because...

I am God's child

And...

HE loves ME!

Period!!

Not because I've accomplished or achieved anything!

Just me weak and in pain

Unable to accomplish hardly anything

Loved!

Thank you Lord!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings!

Dave

Hospital Bed Blog!

 I am writing from my hospital bed after surgery this morning!

After the last two surgeries

The gallbladder surgery and the ERCP

To clean out sludge in my bile duct

The pain continued and I ended up back in the hospital

And I needed another ERCP today to put in a stent because of inflammation in the bile duct that was causing intense pain when I tried to eat.

It seems to have been successful 

Yay!

It did end with some excitement 

Bringing several doctors and nurses 

To my room as my heart started acting crazy!

Not wanting to do anything the normal way 

I ended up with heart a-fibrillation

That will need to be addressed.  

Hopefully going home tomorrow 

To start healing

And gaining back some of the weight 

Lost with not being able to eat for the past couple of weeks  

It’s been an adventure!

But I would be delighted 

To have less adventure and less pain 

For awhile!

That’s about it for now

Thank you for all the prayer and support 

You all are appreciated so much!

Blessings,

Dave

Discouraged

My last post indicated that I had become pain-free following the ERCP surgical procedure.

Unfortunately, that was short-lived

And pain has come back.

It seems that I was needing to experience yet another challenge in this journey

And so I am now dealing with a bleeding stomach ulcer

Because of the oral pain medications I have been taking.

I am now on medication to deal with the ulcer

But as of today, Sunday, March 14,

The pain in my abdomen and tightness in my chest

Only seem to be getting worse.

It is very discouraging

To move from one pain to the next to the next

Wondering if there will ever be a break or solution to the pain

With questions plaguing me:

Is this really only a stomach ulcer?

Is the cancer spreading and what's really behind all these complications?

How much more can I really take?

Is this quality of life?

And so it continues to be really tough traveling this cancer journey...

There was good news on Monday

From the Cardiac CT scan.

It showed that there were 

No blockages in the heart

And that the walls of the heart were functioning normally.

Whether or not the tumor is impacting the heart

Is the big question remaining

And so my cardiologist has scheduled an MRI on March 25

To assess what impact the tumor may or may not be having on my heart.

My brother and fellow pastor, Scott Pennington,

Passed from death to life

Into the presence of the Lord

This past Tuesday, March 9, at 12:03pm.

NO MORE PAIN!

That seems very attractive...

The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 12

That God's grace is sufficient

For the sufferings and weaknesses that we are facing.

I am finding it very hard

As this journey drags on

To trust and rest in God's sufficient grace.

I find myself too often consumed with the pain and misery

I am experiencing.

I guess that is how I need prayer most right now...

Thank you for listening, praying and being the encouragers that you are.

I appreciate you all,

Dave

The Saga Continues

My last post documented my gallbladder surgery on Saturday, February 20, 2021

And the hope that the pain I was experiencing would be rectified by such surgery.

Unfortunately, my journey has not been so simple.

The following Saturday, February 27, 2021 

I was again back in the ER with terrible pain

In my abdominal area.

Unfortunately again, after several hours in the ER

And a slew of tests

I was sent home with no knowledge of why I was experiencing such pain.

I made it a few days at home

Until the pain became impossible to endure

And returned to the ER

At midnight on Tuesday, March 2, 2021.

(I have certainly put Cindy through the ringer!)

The pain was so intense

Morphine hardly made a dent in reducing its severity.

Fortunately, this time

A CT scan of my abdomen 

Revealed infection in the liver

And a blockage of the bile duct.

A gastro-intestinal doctor was summoned

IV antibiotics immediately administered

And an Endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography (ERCP) surgical procedure

(Quite a mouthful, huh?!)

Scheduled for Wednesday afternoon

To clean out the sludge blocking the bile duct.

I woke up from the ERCP

In terrible pain

Which was very discouraging.

Would I ever have a moment again without pain?

At 7pm I was given two Percocet pills (oxycodone and acetaminophen)

Which did nothing to relive the pain.

At 7:30pm I was given Morphine

Which again did nothing for the pain.

At 8pm I was given another Morphine injection

And was able to fall asleep.

I awoke at 11pm

PAIN FREE!!

It was a miracle!

I thought I was dreaming

I had not been pain free in months.

I was released from the hospital yesterday, March 5, 2021

And continue to be free of the horrible pain I was experiencing

My pain at this time the healing that needs to happen

Coming out of two surgeries in two weeks.

I am very thankful...very thankful.

And, at the same time,

Never cease to be amazed at all the crazy 

Twists and turns this cancer journey has brought.

Which brings up next Monday, March 8, 2021

I will be having a heart CT scan 

To try and determine what is going on with my heart

As I am retaining LOTS of fluid in my feet, ankles and legs

And the walls of my heart are not functioning as they should.

The concern is one of two things:

There is a blockage of one of the arteries needing a stent, or

The tumor is putting pressure on my heart causing its malfunctioning.

To say the least...

I am looking ahead to Monday

With a great deal of heaviness as to the seriousness of what we will find out

And what it means in moving forward.

Dear Father, please continue to teach me to trust in your goodness

And rest in your faithfulness! Please give me and my family your sufficient grace as we face the 

Uncertainty of what lies ahead knowing that you are good and cause all things to work together

For the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose.

One final note:

I received an email from a fellow pastor and cancer companion, Scott Pennington, on March 1st

The day before I reentered the hospital

Checking to see how I was doing and

Letting me know that he had been in the hospital at the same time

I was in for my gallbladder surgery.

I saw today a Facebook post made on March 5th

That Scott is not expected to live past tomorrow, March 7th.

Cancer is a ruthless enemy!

It adds a renewed heaviness to my journey reading such things.

Please pray for Scott's wife and family as they traverse this juncture in his cancer journey.

Thank you again for your support and prayer,

Dave