My older sister, in a text to me this morning,
Compared my current situation
To the wandering of the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years.
It resonated as I thought about it...
Going in circles
Continual challenges and hardships
No goal or point or purpose
Except to continue wandering until the older generation was all dead!
And the result was...
Constant complaining, rebellion, unbelief and misery
Throughout their entire 40 years of wandering.
I'm sorry to say...
It does sound a lot like what I've been experiencing the past weeks!
After repeated calls to my oncologist's triage line
Because of my continued daily bodily pain and debilitating weakness
I had an appointment on January 29th
To receive a testosterone injection
To see if that would boost my energy level
As my last blood work showed an extremely low testosterone level in my body.
I have subsequently received two testosterone injections
Which, unfortunately, have not provided any miraculous changes to my body.
I will have blood work done again this coming Friday, February 12th,
Along with a third testosterone injection
If the blood work continues to show a low testosterone level.
BUT...
The questions still remain:
What in the world is going on with my body?
Why the bodily pain and extreme weakness?
Is this ever going to improve?
Is this the way it's going to be until the cancer takes over and I die?
And, along with the questions, I'm sorry to say
This daily wandering in the wilderness of pain and weakness
Has produced...
More complaining than peace
More doubting than trusting
More misery than joy.
It's been some rough weeks
That I can't imagine having made it through
Without you all who are holding me up
But...
I can't say that I've navigated the past weeks well either.
It's hard to contemplate
Doing this for weeks or months or years
Pain and weakness
With no explanation or understanding
With treatment on hold.
I have been given a referral to a palliative care doctor
With the hope that they can help with pain management.
It doesn't "feel" like I'm dying
Just suffering...
Wandering in this wilderness cancer journey.
Which I do readily acknowledge
Is far less than many of you or your loved ones
Have experienced or are currently experiencing.
But...
That's where I am at today.
It's not where I want to be tomorrow.
I don't want to be like the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness.
Forgetting God's faithfulness
Forgetting God's goodness
Forgetting God's provision
NO!
So...here is my prayer:
Oh God, I need you! I desperately need you! You are my Father. I am your child. I am so weak. I am so inclined to complain, to doubt your goodness and to forget that you will cause all things-all things-to work together for my good and your glory! I am so easily distracted and derailed by my suffering. I'm so easily dominated by my body and how it feels rather than strengthened in my spirit by your Spirit to keep my thoughts on what is true and eternal. Please help me to live by faith. Please help me to set my mind on things above. Help!! In the wonderful name of Jesus, Amen.
Praying with you and for you during these difficult days, Dave. We love you - Joel & Leslie
ReplyDeletePraying with you and for you during these difficult days, Dave. We love you - Joel & Leslie
ReplyDeletePraying with you and for you during these difficult days, Dave. We love you - Joel & Leslie
ReplyDelete“It doesn't ‘feel’ like I'm dying
ReplyDeleteJust suffering...”
I’m not sure why these words struck me the way they did, but in a way it seems to capture the final truth for followers of Jesus. What is dying if death if it is not final? It is suffering. This gave me a new perspective. But I am still praying for complete healing for you—for you to exit this wilderness into rest with God and your family and many more years with your grandkids, full of joy and not suffering.
We love you and we are holding you and the family up to Him on High for strength, peace, comfort and hope. J & J
ReplyDeleteMy mom's of-repeated line was "I just don't know how to be this sick." I'm going to pray specifically that your palliative care doctor brings comfort and relief from the pain.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a good quote, Lancy.
DeleteGod says. "I am with you. Fear not."
ReplyDeleteDave,so very heartbreaking to know your profound struggles and yet not be able to do anything to provide relief for your pain and suffering. Even in this hard, hard journey you remind of us of the need for reliance on God. Praying for healing and comfort of course but also that meaningful moments of sheer joy and gratitude and peace are able to win out over the battle that rages within your body. Know that there are many who love and admire you and pray on your behalf. ❤
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and continuing to pray....for grace to match your perseverance, for even small amounts of energy and to continue to know the reality of the Father's relationship in and with you. Colleen S.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you, Dave and Cindy, and hope that somehow, those of us actively trying to carry on at Coffee Oasis with outreach in Jesus love to youth- somehow that love and giving is a comfort to you.
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray, I have no words because they seem to not beable to say what my heart feels and believes, but I know whom I believeth and to Him I give you to Him . Blessings to both you and Cindy and family
ReplyDeleteHow I became a happy woman again
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