Deep Pain. Deeper Joy?

Thank you for allowing me to share my cancer journey with you...

I've come to realize that being able to express myself in written word

As hard as it's been at times

Has helped me to process what I'm going through

In a way that I wouldn't have otherwise.

So...thanks for listening and caring

As I also realize that the things I'm sharing

Aren't always pretty or even the kind of things that we like to think about...

Pain. Loss. Death. Weakness. 

Or even the way that we might like to remember someone

Whom we knew at a "better" time in their life.

So...I appreciate you listening in and supporting me as I share

And reflect upon my current reality

This cancer journey

My attempt to learn more than ever before

How to LIVE as God intended

In the face of death!

So...after that lengthy introduction...

A couple of simple reflections to share where I'm currently at:

DEEP PAIN.

I don't know how else to describe it

All the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain

Of this journey

Combining together in the depths of my being

In a raw way before now unimaginable and inexpressible

Gripping both the depths of my own soul

And opening my heart beyond my own pain

To the deep pain pervading our very broken world

Causing me to hurt and care as never before

Which I guess is a good thing

But certainly a path that I wouldn't have consciously chosen for myself...

DEEPER JOY?

Does the above pain lead to deeper joy?

Is this a reality or a hope?

I've caught glimpses of it as I lie in bed and pray

As it drives me to cry out to God

In my pain and

For my own brokenness

And the brokenness around me

And for Him to fill me with His love and presence

Which alone can do anything about the deep pain

And give me a joy that I can't imagine.

I've tasted it and long for more...

That's it for tonight

It is very late and I am exhausted

But wanted to share where I'm at.

Slept most of the day

As we day by day are waiting to see 

If this, i.e. absolutely no energy, 

Taking 20 minutes to get dressed,

Having to watch my every step so as not to fall and get injured,

Only having enough strength to read a little bit each day,

Will wear off as the chemo toxicity wears off

(further treatments are on hold right now due to my weakness)

Or if the immunotherapy has become more detrimental than positive

And how I am is now the result that could last a long time

Since the immunotherapy will have impacted my immune system.

So...we wait...

So, you can see how much your prayer and support is valued 

In this journey!

Thank you