Holding Us Up

My daily battle with cancer and how Cindy and I are making it through each day is beautifully illustrated in a battle scene found in the book of Exodus in the Bible:

"The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites. Moses said to Joshua, “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.” So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army." (Exodus 17:8-13)

The daily cancer battle continues to be extremely hard...

It feels like I am daily getting weaker and weaker

I am pretty much reduced to listening to audio books or sleeping

With mobility very, very limited

In a deliberate progression

Towards my heavenly home.

And yet the weakness

Seems to be caused by the cancer treatment

And not the cancer itself

And so...we wait...

The doctor really has no clue what is going on with my body

Except hoping that it is being caused by the chemo 

And will wear off after awhile (weeks? months?) 

And bring some relief with the treatments discontinued.

Or will this be my new normal

For months and years to come?

So...we wait...

And as we wait...we battle...

Oh my...it is a battle

To feel so weak all the time.

Taking a nap 

And waking up more tired than when I fell asleep.

Feeling foggy headed

Without the energy or capacity

To want to do anything 

Except merely exist

Which let's you know 

How important writing this blog is to me

Because of the energy it is taking!

So...WHY this blog?

To reiterate HOW MUCH we need YOU

To be victorious in this battle!

All through the day and night the battle rages:

How am I going to make it through today/tonight-this moment?

The pain, the weakness, the discouragement,

The reality that this could be my reality 

For months and years to come?

It's not that I'm not fighting...

Praying, pleading for God's mercy and peace and rest

Meditating on truth

Listening to music

And yet the battle continues with an intensity 

I've never come close to experiencing before

And know that I can never win on my own.

And so...

THANKFUL for YOU

Who are holding us up in this battle

As described in the battle scene in Exodus!

Several times in the last couple of days

Many of you have reached out to Cindy or myself

Out of the blue to let us know you are praying for us

Some of you that we've never even met!

Wow!

You can't begin to imagine what that means to me

To get such emails and texts and messages!

THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!

That's about all I have the energy for tonight...

Dave

Deep Pain. Deeper Joy?

Thank you for allowing me to share my cancer journey with you...

I've come to realize that being able to express myself in written word

As hard as it's been at times

Has helped me to process what I'm going through

In a way that I wouldn't have otherwise.

So...thanks for listening and caring

As I also realize that the things I'm sharing

Aren't always pretty or even the kind of things that we like to think about...

Pain. Loss. Death. Weakness. 

Or even the way that we might like to remember someone

Whom we knew at a "better" time in their life.

So...I appreciate you listening in and supporting me as I share

And reflect upon my current reality

This cancer journey

My attempt to learn more than ever before

How to LIVE as God intended

In the face of death!

So...after that lengthy introduction...

A couple of simple reflections to share where I'm currently at:

DEEP PAIN.

I don't know how else to describe it

All the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain

Of this journey

Combining together in the depths of my being

In a raw way before now unimaginable and inexpressible

Gripping both the depths of my own soul

And opening my heart beyond my own pain

To the deep pain pervading our very broken world

Causing me to hurt and care as never before

Which I guess is a good thing

But certainly a path that I wouldn't have consciously chosen for myself...

DEEPER JOY?

Does the above pain lead to deeper joy?

Is this a reality or a hope?

I've caught glimpses of it as I lie in bed and pray

As it drives me to cry out to God

In my pain and

For my own brokenness

And the brokenness around me

And for Him to fill me with His love and presence

Which alone can do anything about the deep pain

And give me a joy that I can't imagine.

I've tasted it and long for more...

That's it for tonight

It is very late and I am exhausted

But wanted to share where I'm at.

Slept most of the day

As we day by day are waiting to see 

If this, i.e. absolutely no energy, 

Taking 20 minutes to get dressed,

Having to watch my every step so as not to fall and get injured,

Only having enough strength to read a little bit each day,

Will wear off as the chemo toxicity wears off

(further treatments are on hold right now due to my weakness)

Or if the immunotherapy has become more detrimental than positive

And how I am is now the result that could last a long time

Since the immunotherapy will have impacted my immune system.

So...we wait...

So, you can see how much your prayer and support is valued 

In this journey!

Thank you

Wind Knocked Out!

I am writing this on Wednesday night, January 6

Though the following consultations took place on Monday and Tuesday.

It has taken me that long to regroup and process and see my hope restored in God.

It has been a rough few days facing the reality of where my cancer journey is currently at

And how we proceed from here...

Thank you again so much for your prayer, encouragement and support.

Dave

Seattle Cancer Care Alliance Proton Radiation Consult - January 4

The referral went through and I had a two-hour Zoom consult this morning

With the lead doctor and his senior resident

Regarding the possibility of having Proton Radiation Therapy in Seattle!

It was both hugely informative AND extremely exhausting

I slept the rest of the day!

To give you the essence of the consultation:

Proton Radiation Therapy would entail daily, Monday-Friday, treatments

For 3-5 weeks

With each treatment taking about one hour.

The impact of proton radiation on the heart would be less than that of photon radiation

EXCEPT for the following HUGE punch in the gut

That came out in the consultation…

AVASTIN

Ever hear of it?

Well, unfortunately, now you have

It is one of the chemo drugs that I have been receiving every three weeks

As part of my systemic treatment for the mesothelioma

And, it seems that radiation and Avastin don’t play well together!

 Meaning that, in some cases, individuals who are on Avastin and receiving radiation

End up with serious impact to their heart

I.e. death!

I guess you get what I mean now by a punch to the gut!

Wow…did that news ever throw a huge monkey wrench

Into what was looking like a no-brainer decision!

So, the doctor’s initial recommendation

Is to stop taking the Avastin

Though it is unknown how long it can really remain in my system

Have CT scans every couple of months to assess the state of the tumor

Whether it’s growing or remaining the same size

And then decide

If the risk is greater to radiate or not radiate the tumor.

Things just got REALLY heavy!

The doctor hopes to communicate with my oncologist tonight

Before I meet with him tomorrow morning for our regular consult.

It’s been a rough day…

 Zoom Consultation with my Oncologist - January 5

This morning I felt like I was entering Round Two in a boxing match

As we followed up from the consultation yesterday.

It concluded with me feeling like

I’d received a one-two punch

And was laid out on the floor

As we discussed with my oncologist

Both the radiation scenario and my overall situation.

To summarize:

1.   The mesothelioma has metastasized (i.e. spread) to my right lung as evidenced by the cancerous nodules

D    Discovered there by the UW scope and biopsy in 2019.

      This has been easy to forget as our focus has been on the main tumor.

2.     There is evidence of a new potentially cancerous nodule on a lymph node in the center of my chest.

3.      My body is at its end with the current chemo/immunotherapy regimen. It is extremely weak and needing a break, which may or not help me recover strength.

4.      There is the possibility of continuing one of the immunotherapy drugs as a “maintenance” measure, in the meantime, IF that can be done without detriment to my body…which is a big IF.

5.      Radiation has become a much more serious risk than originally thought, though not eliminated as an option.

6.      To not radiate AND to discontinue chemo/immunotherapy would be a decision to let the cancer run its course, unless God intervenes or another treatment option surfaces.

7.      My next appointment with my oncologist will be January 22, 2021 with a CT scan occurring in February, after which we will discuss how to proceed.

I am exhausted.

And there you have the latest in Dave Frederick's cancer saga!