Something has to change...

Change is definitely needed

My body is at its end

The chemo and immunotherapy have been effective

In reducing the size of the tumor

But the reduction seems to have plateaued 

As shown by another CT scan today

And...it has also taken a huge toll

My body is shot!

It is extremely weak

I am in constant pain

And the only way the pain has been able to be managed lately

Is by continuing to increase the daily dosage of the steroid that I'm taking.

Not the life that I want to live.

(This may be a little intense to be sharing?)

So...what's next?

I had a Zoom consultation today with the radiation oncologist

And this is the plan...

Tomorrow, Tuesday, December 29th, 2pm

I will have a CT Simulation as described below:

A CT simulation includes a CT scan of the area of your body to be treated with radiation. The CT images acquired during your scan will be reconstructed and used to design the best and most precise treatment plan for you. The simulation portion of your radiation therapy regiment ensures that your treatments will target the area of concern, while missing surrounding critical structures.

The importance of this scan is due to the extremely close proximity the tumor is to my heart.

It actually overlaps my heart and though separate from the heart

Any radiation has the potential of impacting my heart

Due to the heart being a moving organ while radiation would be happening

Not to mention my lungs

Which are also in close proximity and moving as I breath.

I think you get the picture of the complexity of radiating the tumor

In such a confined space!

The results of the simulation scan will be evaluated leading to

TWO possible radiation solutions

And the hope that the tumor can be reduced in size

Extending my life

 

Solution #1 - Photon Radiation

This would take place in Bremerton

And probably be a daily treatment for 5-6 weeks.

There is greater risk of impacting the heart with this radiation

Causing some scar issue to the heart

As the photon radiation, despite careful calculations

Will not just stop at the tumor

But, to a degree, continue past the tumor and impact the healthy tissue of the heart.

There is a 10-15% risk of this happening.

 

Solution #2 - Proton Radiation

This would have to take place in north Seattle

Through a referral to SCCA and UW

And also, I believe, be a daily treatment for several weeks.

We would probably move to Seattle 

Rather than commute every day for a month and a half.

Proton radiation would obviously be preferred

As the radiation stops at the tumor

And would not overflow to the healthy heart tissue.

The glitch?

SCCA and UW would need to accept a referral from the local radiology oncologist

That I'm working with

(And she is beginning that referral process)

And...our insurance would have to agree to pay for it

(It is extremely expensive!)

 

We are looking at about a two week process to find out 

If the proton radiation is a possibility 

Or if only the photon radiation is an option.

 

Then...time for the BIG decision!

What do we do?

There is no question that continuing chemo/immunotherapy 

At this time is NOT an option.

My body can't take anymore right now.

 

So...calling all praying people

To please PRAY for wisdom for us in knowing how to move forward.

We are definitely at another crossroads

In this cancer journey...

Sound familiar?

 

To be honest

As I told Cindy this evening as we were talking about these things

(Heavy things to be talking about before a game of cribbage!)

Some times I just want to give up!

Yep

It's been a tough go the last days...

But, with God's strength,

I will keep on keeping on 

IF that is God's intention for me and my life

IF it is more profitable for me to remain with you all

Than to be with Jesus

Blessings,

Dave

P.S. Don't ever forget how much I appreciate you all!

Is JOY possible in this journey?

Joy is a pretty important theme running throughout the Bible, appearing 179 times in 171 verses.

One such passage emphasizes that "the joy of the Lord is our strength".

I haven't felt it...

I've found peace in my weakness and pain in this cancer journey

Though I've lost and regained it a few times these last couple of weeks 

As I've continued to struggle since my last blog with the affects of the ongoing chemo

And its mounting impact on my body.

(The past two weeks have been HARD!)

But JOY?

I can't say that joy has been part of the equation.

It's like I have learned that I can be content in my weakness

Trusting and seeing that good is happening in the midst of the cancer evil

But...to have joy?

That just seemed like a stretch.

Of course, there are certainly moments of joy...

For example:

Two days ago to Facetime with our granddaughter, Lena, on her eighth birthday

And to witness and experience her joy with her.

Yesterday, to Zoom with my older sister, Deb, and husband, Mike, on her birthday 

And enjoy sharing memories both past and present

Some of which included the friendly rivalry of the 49ers and Seahawks!

And, then again yesterday, to spend the day with our youngest daughter, Stephanie

On her birthday eating Quiche and drinking Bailey's Irish Cream milkshakes!

Yes...there are certainly moments of joy

But, JOY IN the cancer journey...

Hmmm...is it possible?

Let's say, at this point, that I'm doing a lot of thinking about it and working on it!

Because peace is great

But...JOY adds another dimension, doesn't it?

That makes this journey not merely one of surviving, but thriving...

I like the sound of that!

So, how could it be possible?

I was reminded of the following verses from a remote little book at the end of the Old Testament

And they are GREAT and exactly what I needed in wrestling with this joy thing.

Take a look at them...they might be of encouragement to you also!

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (Message Translation)

"Though the cherry trees don’t blossom
    and the strawberries don’t ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten
    and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are without sheep
    and the cattle barns empty,
I’m singing joyful praise to God.
    I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God’s Rule to prevail,
    I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer.
    I feel like I’m king of the mountain!"

Good stuff, huh?

Everything was totally and absolutely BLEAK for Habakkuk...

Almost makes my cancer journey seem like a cakewalk

And he is turning cartwheels of joy!!

Is he crazy?

Why is he?  How can he?

"Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength"

I think that may capture the issue for me...

It's a matter of what or who is in charge of what is going on with me and my cancer journey.

What is in control here of my fate, my future, my body, ME?

Cancer?  Chemo?  Doctors?  Radiation?  The Hope of something new?  Me?

There is so much uncertainty in any of these answers

They all leave so much room for preventing and stripping away joy.

But...IF I know that God's will and rule will prevail

And...IF I know that His will is always good and He loves me like crazy

Then...

What in the world is there to prevent me from experiencing

Incredible and daily JOY throughout this cancer journey?

From doing cartwheels of joy!

And, again, I hope you realize that I'm not talking about some Pollyanna  kind of joy

But, real, deep, genuine JOY!

Okay, okay,

This may have gotten a bit preachy for some of you...

But, it's really just me trying to share the reality of how I'm walking this journey

While seeking to find in the midst of 

What can seem like living on death row

LIFE!

And that pretty much could describe where all of us are at, can't it?

Blessings,

Dave

I Don't Know If I Can Keep Doing This...

Yep.

Those are the exact words that I said to Cindy more than once

Over the past 48 hours

As my body has been wrenched with pain

Coming out of my last chemo/immunotherapy treatment last Friday.

This cancer journey can be nasty!

As the chemo has continued

So has its toxicity and negative impact on my body

Resulting this time in such excruciating bodily pain

That I could only compare it to the pain my body was going through

In January when I was admitted to the hospital

In such bad condition that

It was thought, unbeknownst to me, I might only have days to live!

In the good, bad and ugly part of the cancer journey

This was definitely the ugly.

I don't do pain well

Especially when it goes on and on and on

And dominates my thinking and functioning.

I lost my peace.

I was troubled.

All I could think about was the pain that gripped my body

And was wreaking havoc in my soul

Obviously magnified by the already weak state of my body

From almost two years of cancer treatments.

This isn't the encouraging kind of blog that you'd hope for...

Dave thriving in the midst of his pain

It is just reality.

And, its good, in case you ever wondered...

Dave, isn't some kind of strong, super hero

Sailing through this cancer journey

For you all to admire and marvel at how he does it!

Oh, no!

But someone struggling and learning to trust and persevere and hope and thrive

One day at a time

Just like you would.

And, my journey is "peanuts" compared to what some of you are now going through:

A young daughter fighting cancer

Parents who had to rush their young son back to the hospital today with a serious infection

A daughter on a ventilator

Parents who lost their baby earlier this year

A son who still struggles after many weeks in the hospital and therapy

To overcome the affects of contracting COVID

And the list could go on and on...

Detailing the pain that is part of our daily lives.

The pain that seeks to overcome us

Debilitate us

And prevent and steal our peace.

Thankfully, for me,

My doctor prescribed a steroid today

That broke the intensity of the physical pain

And brought a measured calm to my body

After the 48 hours of torment.

Note: I definitely would NOT be writing this blog if I was still in the throes of the pain!

Then...

Cindy read some Psalms (which give great perspective)

Played the piano (which is amazing therapy for me!)

And prayed for my peace to be restored...

And IT WAS

Hallelujah!

My body is exhausted from the past 48 hours 

But my soul is again at PEACE

And I am so thankful.

In the same way

I pray for God's mercy and peace

For my friends mentioned above

Who are still in the thick of their pain...

And many others like them

Maybe you?

May God's mercy and peace 

Bring healing to your bodies and peace to your souls

Thank you again for listening,

Dave

Decision Time

Yesterday, December 11th, was my every three weeks chemo and immunotherapy treatment 

Proceeded by meeting with my oncologist.

The focus of the time was definitely on how extremely weak I've become 

Why it is so and what to do about it

As it has become quite discouraging and concerning 

To be so weary and weak all the time.

It was also the most concerned I've seen my oncologist in awhile

As he could tell that something is definitely taking a toll on my body.

After discussing the possible contributors to this debilitating weakness:

Accumulating chemo/immunotherapy in my system,

Cancer growth,

Increased Medications (steroid, blood thinner);

My oncologist is thinking that the blood thinner

Which I was put on for the cardioversion procedure

Might be the main culprit.

He was going to text the cardiologist 

And I also have an appointment 

With the cardiologist this coming Tuesday.

To see if as a first step

I can be quickly weaned off of the blood thinner

To see if that turns things around.

My oncologist is also taking me off of the steroid beginning tomorrow

To see if that will help improve things.

In one of my previous blogs "Success" 

I mentioned the possibility of radiating the tumor

Because the echocardiogram showed a separation between the tumor and heart.

In following up with the oncology radiologist

She recommended waiting to see if the tumor 

Could continue to reduce in size first, to enhance odds of successful radiation

Especially as close as the tumor is to the heart

And the fact that the heart is a constantly moving organ

That they will be working in close proximity with virtually no space between.

Now...with my body's increasing weakness,

My oncologist has referred me again to the radiologist for a consult

To see if sooner rather than later might be a good idea to proceed

While my body has some strength to undergo the radiation.

(This would happen IF quitting the blood thinner doesn't reduce my weakness)

This would lead to two decision options:

1. Radiating the tumor and some other known cancerous nodules 

While continuing the chemo/immunotherapy at the same time.

This would be the most aggressive approach

To get the best possible result the quickest.

2. Radiating only the tumor

While continuing the the chemo/immunotherapy if my body can handle it

Or, just radiating the tumor, followed by a return to the therapy after the radiation.

That about sums things up

And the wisdom we seek both for the doctors and ourselves

As we ponder these major decisions.

I will also be having another CT scan in a couple of weeks

To assess the size of the tumor

And whether it is growing, shrinking or staying about the same size.

As a part of the decision-making process.

Thank you for standing with us.

These are all heavy decisions and weigh heavy on our hearts

As we ponder them.

Grieving Loss

Cindy and I were looking forward to an outing today...

Getting out together on a gorgeous sunny day,

Maybe the last one for awhile,

As the weather forecast looks like a lot of rain ahead

Fancy that in western Washington!

Our hope was that I would have the strength 

To walk a not -too-strenuous trail

And be able to enjoy God's amazing creation together.

We ended up at the Bremerton watershed

Along with dozens of other people 

Looking to enjoy the sunny day

And started up one of the trails.

The key word here is "up" one of the trails!

It became clear pretty quickly 

That "up" was steeper than my body could handle

Though I could have easily handled the simple incline in the past.

And then it hit again...

And the enormity of my physical weakness

Once again overwhelmed me

And I was overcome with sadness...

Not hopelessness

Not anger

Not bitterness

But...a deep sadness over what I have physically lost

In this cancer battle/journey.

So...Cindy and I spent the next several minutes

Crying together as we walked

Grieving the loss that I have experienced in this journey.

BUT...

Please understand that I'm not writing these things

So that you will feel sorry for me, for us,

But to communicate both the rawness of the journey

I.e. the Loss

And the unimaginable impact this journey is also making on me

I.e. the Gain

(Because of the Loss)

Let me list a few:

1. Peace

I've talked about this already

But it is so amazing that it bears repeating!

I think this blows me away more than anything else.

I never would have imagined that I could have deep inner peace

At the same time that I am experiencing deep internal sadness

And weakness, and pain, and uncertainty and loss.

And, yet it is so...hallelujah, yippee, yay, YES!

This doesn't mean that I've got it figured out

And all is smooth sailing from here.

It was just a couple of days ago

I was troubled and on the verge of losing my peace

But, Cindy praying for me wonderfully restored my perspective and peace.

And I know that God is using others of you 

In the same way, without us even knowing!

Thank you.

2. Prayer

I am learning to pray in a way that I never have before.

Probably because I realize more than ever

How desperately in need of God I am!

And that is a good thing...

Because many of you are getting prayed for

In a way that you never were before!

3. Power

There is a verse in the Bible which when paraphrased goes something like this:

"God's power is demonstrated IN our weakness"

I always wanted or made that to read

"God's power is demonstrated by overcoming our weakness"

Can you see the difference?

It is a BIG difference!

The point...

IN my weakness, God can work in amazing ways

Because Dave is out of the way

Trying to be strong or smart or clever or wise or something...

And that is a good thing!

So...there you have another of my reflections

On this cancer journey I am on.

Maybe I'm getting more reflective as the year draws to a close

And I've been on this journey approaching two years?

Wow!

I have two more chemo/immunotherapy treatments

To finish off the year

This coming Friday, December 11th and Thursday, December 31st!

What a way to end 2020!

Cheers