Emotional Breakdown!

Yes...you read correctly...

It happened as I lay down in bed last night.

The ongoing, extreme weakness of my body

That makes me struggle to get through each day

Step by step by laborious step at times.

It all came to an emotional head

Unleashing torrents of tears and uncontrollable sobs of grief!

It's not that I've lost my peace....thankfully

No.

The peace is still there

It's just that alongside of the peace

There also exists an immense amount of daily emotional pain

(And sometimes physical pain)

On account of the cancer and cancer treatment

That has reduced my bodily strength to a negligible

Fraction of what it used to be.

And that is really hard...for me

The amazing thing

Is that even in this, God is working!

So, please spare me a few moments of explanation and appreciation for that...

Yesterday, I received a card from a wonderful friend

(Who is an incredible encourager through her writing)

Normally, she writes a couple of hundred words of encouragement

But, this time, she only wrote three Bible passages and a quote

That she felt God inclined her to share with me.

Hmmm...

Cindy read them to me

But nothing at all seemed to resonate

So I just tucked them into the back of my mind to ponder.

Here they are:

Psalm 123: 2, 4 "Behold, as the eyes of the servant look to the hand of the master...so our eyes look to the Lord our God until He has mercy on us"

Oswald Chambers "Recognize something has come between you and God and get it readjusted at once"

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to kill, steal and destroy. I come that they may have life and have it abundantly"

John 11:41 "Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, "Father, thank you that you have heard me...you always hear me"

That's it...

And nothing resonated with me at the time

Then...

The emotional breakdown!

And what immediately popped into my mind

As I was laying there sobbing...

Was a "picture" from the past of a stooped old man shuffling along in weakness

And the Oswald Chambers quote...

And me, Dave Frederick,

Looking down on the old man shuffling along...judging him...condemning him!!

WHY?

Because he obviously wasn't trying hard enough to be strong!

Wasn't trying hard enough to get better!

Wasn't trying hard enough to be something!

OKAY...

You all now know officially

If you didn't already

What an absolute arrogant jerk I am in my own strength and self-righteousness

And God's incredible mercy

Using this cancer journey

To expose me and change me and teach me to love!

It's really hard

But...

I am very thankful

And, in a new way, FREE

As God lovingly exposes me to myself 

Enabling me to see me, admit who I've been, and find forgiveness!

Yay!

Thanks for listening,

Dave

Good News!

Yesterday, Friday, November 20th

Cindy and I met with my oncologist 

(Cindy via speaker phone)

To discuss where things are at and what the plan is to move forward.

I also began chemo and immunotherapy infusions again after a 6-week break

Due to the atrial flutter that I was experiencing, but is now corrected.

The key to this conversation was going to be the result from the echocardiogram

That I had during the cardioversion procedure.

The BIG question;

Is the tumor which is overlapping my heart, invading my heart?

Or,

Is the tumor clearly distinct from my heart?

The difference being HUGE

In terms of how it may or may not be able to be treated.

GOOD NEWS!

The echocardiogram showed that there is a

Clear separation between the tumor and my heart!!

Yay!

So, what exactly might this mean?

Radiation.

It means that it is now potentially possible to seek to destroy the tumor

By radiating it.

That is Good News!

So, begins the next stage in this cancer journey...

My oncologist will be setting up a consultation with a

Radiation oncology specialist to discuss this as an option

And how we would move forward.

I would continue with the chemo and immunotherapy at the same time.

That's it...just wanted to get that Good News out there asap:)

Thanks for hanging in there with us through this journey!

Dave

Thankful for Cancer!

Well...it is a time for thanksgiving

But, I'm guessing that the Title of my Post

Might have caused you to take a second glance!

How in the world can I be 

Thankful for Cancer

Considering how it has ravaged my body

Wreaked havoc on my life

And thrown me into prolonged, acute mental, emotional and spiritual distress?

Great Question:)

Tomorrow will be exactly 

One year and nine months 

Since the "circular mass" 

Was first discovered and this journey began.

So...how can I be thankful for cancer?

To be honest...

I didn't think I would ever be able to say that.

I've fought it

Battled it

Struggled with it

And, at times, felt like it would beat me and destroy me

As I grappled daily with its impact

On my life:

Weakness

Depression

Pain

Loss

But, miraculously, here we are!

To put it simply

Which, of course, it is not...

God is using Cancer to change me!

Yep

Who would have guessed you could teach such an old dog new tricks!

But, such is the miracle working power of a great God:)

He really can cause ALL THINGS to work together for the good of those who love Him

Even Cancer...

I never would have imagined it possible 

As I've struggled and strived over the past almost two years

But, it is so...

To put some tangibles to what I'm saying:

I am thankful for my extreme weakness

Because it has caused me to find new found strength in God's power

In my weakness

And not merely because I'm overcoming my weakness.

Do you get the difference?

I have internal peace I never could have imagined

In the thick of my journey 

With its pain and surprises and ups and downs

Because my peace, is like never before,

Not dependent upon my circumstances

I.e. health, finances, successes, etc...

But my confidence in His goodness and wisdom

To do in and with me what is best for me!

So...

How can I not be thankful for Cancer

When God is using it in such amazing ways?

Another Great Question!!

Does that mean that I like my Cancer?

Want to keep my Cancer?

Good grief!  Of course not!!

I'd be delighted if God heals me completely

But, and this is the kicker,

My joy and peace are NOT dependent on that

They are rooted in God!

One final thought:

Please, please don't think that I think that I will no longer struggle:)

Oh, yes, there will still be hard days

Probably lots of them.

But, I'm making progress!

P.S. I had an EKG yesterday and everything with my heart looks great after the cardioversion

Yay!

This Friday, November 20th, I meet with the oncologist to discuss the echocardiogram results

And how we will continue to proceed with my treatment.

Thanks so much again for praying and caring and supporting!

Success!

I have a normal heart beat!

I had my echocardiogram and cardioversion yesterday

And everything went as smoothly as possible.

Yay!

Sometimes it can almost seem weird

When everything goes according to plan

Without any hiccups:)

But...I don't mind 'everything going according to plan'

I follow up with an EKG next Tuesday

(Note: Did you know that there is no difference between an ECG and EKG?

An ECG is the English spelling and an EKG is the German spelling)

To confirm that there is no atrial flutter

But all seems good from my standpoint.

Cindy and I just completed a 3/4 mile walk part way around the lake

That went great

Though it was definitely the tortoise and not the hare version of a walk!

Next Friday I will be back on track to meet with my oncologist

To discuss where we go from here.

We will be discussing the results from the echocardiogram

To see if it showed a separation between the tumor and heart 

Enabling the possibility of radiation or removal of the tumor.

Certainly something to pray about...

I will also potentially begin another round of chemo and immunotherapy 

On that Friday, November 20th,

Which might make Thanksgiving a bit less enjoyable

BUT...I will be alive to celebrate it with my family!!

So much to be thankful for...

Both the challenges and victories

God causing all of them to work together for my good:)

Heart Zap

This coming Tuesday morning, November 10th,

I will check into the hospital for an outpatient heart procedure

To get my heart back to beating as it should

Because of the atrial flutter

That is causing my heart to race

And causing difficult shortness of breath.

(Note: They do not know why or how the atrial flutter started)

Yay!

If you don't learn anything else from this blog,

You are at least getting a basic medical education

While I'm saving you the cost of medical school!

So here goes with a description of what they are going to do...

First, I will have a TEE echocardiogram

Which is described below:

A transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE) uses echocardiography to assess the structure and function of the heart. During the procedure, a transducer (like a microphone) sends out ultrasonic sound waves. When the transducer is placed at certain locations and angles, the ultrasonic sound waves move through the skin and other body tissues to the heart tissues, where the waves bounce or "echo" off of the heart structures. The transducer picks up the reflected waves and sends them to a computer. The computer displays the echoes as images of the heart walls and valves.

A transesophageal echocardiogram is done by inserting a probe with a transducer down the esophagus. This provides a clearer image of the heart because the sound waves do not have to pass through skin, muscle, or bone tissue. The TEE probe is much closer to the heart since the esophagus and heart are right next to each other.

To summarize why the TEE is happening:

They need to make sure that I do NOT have any blood clots in my heart

Before they zap it

Or it could be a negative result (i.e. death)

Rather than a positive result (i.e. heart back to beating normally)

Second, assuming that the TEE shows no blood clots...

I will have a cardioversion

As described below:

Cardioversion is a medical procedure by which cardiac arrhythmia is converted to a normal rhythm using electricity. Synchronized electrical cardioversion uses a therapeutic dose of electric current to the heart at a .specific moment in the cardiac cycle, restoring the activity of the electrical conduction system of the heart.

I'm glad that I will be sedated for the above!!

The question that arises is probably...

What does this have to do with your cancer journey?

Good question

And one to which the doctors have no answer.

Maybe it's been caused by the cancer 

Or sleep apnea

Or my heart fluttering wildly when Cindy kissed me!

Or a bad burrito

(Though I haven't had one in quite awhile!)

Or ??????

You get the idea:)

It seems that this is just part of the cancer journey adventure

That I am on...

Learning to expect the unexpected

Living one day at a time

Being thankful in everything

Knowing that God is good and I can trust Him even through this!

The good news?

With your prayer and support and encouragement...

I think I'm SLOWLY getting it!!

I've never been more at peace in this almost two year journey

Than I am right now!!

Yay!

Thank you:)