One of my hardest memories from the past is the last months of my dad's life
Watching him battling lung cancer
Which we now know is the very cancer that I'm battling
A rare form of mesothelioma that derives from a genetic mutation passed on from my dad
I remember...
The repeated surgeries to remove tumors from around his lungs
(Which are not able to be removed in my case)
And the fluid needing to be drained out of his lungs as it would cause shortness of breath as it built up
Sorry, if this is getting a little graphic:(
But, it is this particular memory that is really rocking my world right now
As I seem to be experiencing increasing shortness of breath
Especially when I bend over to pick something up
Is this the beginning of the end?
Is this evidence that the cancer is spreading?
Is this my dad's cancer history repeating itself in me?
Kind of an inevitable way things are moving?
It's hard not to feel that's not what's happening
Not that I've given up...
Though I might feel like doing that every day
(which I guess is what much of life can be!)
So...remembering the need to breathe deep to keep the lungs working
Cindy and I went on a short walk/run (you heard it right!) two days ago
To get me breathing deep!
It did...
But it seems to have backfired yesterday as my breathing just seemed to get worse:(
That was hard.
It's not that I'm afraid to die
I'm not
I have a rock solid hope in Jesus
And the reality of an eternal life, amazing life that is mine because of my hope in him
There just seems to be so much more living for me to do
And needing to have fluid removed from my lungs seems to be too much like the beginning of the end
Like history repeating itself
So that's where I'm at today
Needing to decide what I need to do
Needing to experience God's peace
Needing to remember again that he is good
And I am not merely my dad's history repeating itself
Thanks for listening...
PS In the meantime, Cindy and I are going to go on a little hike to enjoy life together in God's beautiful creation:)
Enjoy your hike with Cindy. Haven't stopped praying! Fight Brother Fight! Fight Brother Fight! Fight Fight Fight!!! Love you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you both, Dave. May God's peace be yours!
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing this. It takes tremendous courage to tell anyone of these thoughts and concerns--even more so to tell all of us.
ReplyDeleteI've done a little reading and contemplating how we humans think. I am NOT an expert, or even a student, so take this with a whole block of salt: it is our nature to see patterns, and on the whole, thst is a good thing. However, when we see a pattern, we too often expect it to repeat again, because we made no notice of all of the situations where it DIDN'T repeat. While I acknowledge that the similarities between your dad's story and yours would make any rational person think that it is a repeating pattern, and there's real science to support that (meaning that we are discussing something different than true random probability), at least be looking for and open to the fact that the pattern isn't precisely the same, and there are examples where similar circumstances have had a different, better outcome.
Sorry for the lecture, but we have been having a similar conversation (but not with a potentially terminal outcome!) in my own family.
Your story is different. Love you, my friend. Be blessed, and enjoy the hike.
Praying for you Dave
ReplyDeleteDavid and Cindy, your course is not finished yet. You are fighting the fight. I watched your dad fight. He was a warrior and you are his son. Cindy, be strong. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove you and praying for you! Do not fear - I love that this is the most spoken commandment. Such precious life we have to live and appreciate.
ReplyDeleteI love you both. Am praying
ReplyDeleteReading some verses today, you and Cindy have crossed my mind many times. Today it was with Hebrews 12:1-3: "And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Enjoy the beauty of God on your hike.
ReplyDeleteDavid, Hopefully, you are NOT going to the doctors over here. Please go to Swedish or Virginia Mason in Seattle. I have a friend whose husband had a serious lung issue, different from yours. The doctors here nearly killed him and my friend is seriously considering suing them. My husband and I have had terrible experiences with doctors over here too so we now go to Virginia Mason and the University of Washington.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful person and I'm praying for you.
One of the things I so appreciate about you, Dave, is your honesty. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. The message this morning in church was about God walking with us in all our experiences and that he calls us Beloved. I hope that thinking about that will bring you peace. Our God is great, our God is mighty. Nothing is impossible with him. Continuing to cover you in prayer.
ReplyDeleteYou cross my mind a lot, so I pray. Love to you both, Janet Young
ReplyDeleteDear Dave, I appreciate you and your teachings at Refuge Church. Hearing about your cancer journey and reading your blog for the past few months is hard and It saddens me for what you and your family is going through. I strongly believe in alternative cancer treatments and just keep fighting for your precious life! You are so needed here on earh still and loved by so many. Praying for you. I now go to BCC- Belfair Community Church as I moved to Belfair, its a wonderful place to worship in!
ReplyDeletePraying for you
ReplyDeleteI know your youngest daughter. I've met Cindy. Your whole family has been a blessing to so many. I'm so sorry your sick but amazed how you push on. I totally get why your grandson is named after you!
ReplyDelete