I never thought that one of my favorite children's songs, that we still listen to with our grandkids, would be so relevant to me today
"Psalty the Singing Songbook" is taking some kids on a camping trip which involves hiking to the top of a mountain to get to their camping spot
If you've ever taken young children on a hike up a mountain, you understand:)
Are we ever going to get there?
Why did we come on this hike?
Can we go back down?
Kind of sounds like what can go through my mind every day as I contemplate the mountain called My Cancer Journey and The Treatment Program!
This is so different than my life has been
It's one of the things that I've loved about The Coffee Oasis
Constantly having the opportunity to set new vision, to dream and plan and strategize and then seek to implement with others how we could best fulfill the mission to which God had called us
Every day could be so different
Maybe yesterday's focus being on how to improve and expand housing options for youth experiencing homelessness
Whereas today's focus might be on how to strengthen our coffee businesses for them to be more profitable in supporting our mission
While tomorrow's focus could be a seminar on building donor relations, or attending a specialty coffee conference or having a site visit with a potential funder
Now...I'm climbing My Mountain "one step at a time" as the song goes
And I'm finding that I don't do very well with the same thing every day
(and my respect to those of you whose days are that way!!)
I can't rush it, make it happen quicker, strategize it away or set a vision for it to be better or different
It is the same thing...the supplements, diet and detox...every day
Done very strictly and routinely the same way every day
Day after day after day after day...
I can understand if some of you are thinking right now
"Buck up Dave!"
Two weeks down and only 102 weeks to go!!
Or, maybe, more...
That seems like an eternity to me
The same exact thing, 24/7, day after day after day
You get the idea
What am I going to do?
I need to find purpose IN this new daily that is mine
The thing is...I know all the answers!
I've been pretty good at sharing them with others
Now...in the crucible of My Cancer Journey I have the opportunity to seek to live them out
To really experience joy and gratitude and contentment in this new daily that is now mine
I know I should have figured it out by now
And be writing right now of how great I'm doing...every day
(please don't think that every day is horrible-I have good days!)
But here I am...still needing your prayer and appreciating so much your support
Thanks so much for standing with me in this daily learning journey
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
The Battle
Day after day...
200 supplements
4 detoxes
Juicing
Making special cereals and nut milks and all organic, vegetarian meals (These are almost all done by Mrs. Amazing!)
Only having three 2-hour time frames to eat...and not eating if I miss those time frames
Not really wanting to eat as I'm bloated from all the water I have to drink to down 200 supplements!
Most days feeling like I have the flu, achy and lousy, due to the toxins being drawn out of my body
What is the point?
How long can I do this?
So the spiral downwards can easily happen...
Such is The Battle
It is a battle for my mind, my thoughts
It is learning to be content and find peace and have joy...really be happy in the midst of this cancer journey
NOT because I accomplished something important today or was a part of achieving something significant...a young life impacted, a new Coffee Oasis location opened or another individual who became excited about our mission to change the world for homeless youth
BUT because I am really learning to "be still and know that HE is GOD"
By learning to rest in His love, to trust in His purposes and to meditate upon His person and promises
To know Him in a way that I've known about Him and talked about Him
But was so busy accomplishing things FOR Him that I didn't make the same amount of time to experience Him...to know Him like a good friend.
Such is The Battle for my mind and thoughts
Because I'm not accomplishing any important or significant things nowadays to bring joy
It has to come deeper
Isaiah 26:3 says "God will keep in perfect peace the one whose MIND is stayed on Him"
I've known that verse for decades...
Now it's time to really practice it...hard work!
I don't know if this makes any sense
It's the stuff going around and around in my mind every day in my cancer journey
And it's not be any means a "successful" fight every day:(
That's how you can pray for me...thanks much
200 supplements
4 detoxes
Juicing
Making special cereals and nut milks and all organic, vegetarian meals (These are almost all done by Mrs. Amazing!)
Only having three 2-hour time frames to eat...and not eating if I miss those time frames
Not really wanting to eat as I'm bloated from all the water I have to drink to down 200 supplements!
Most days feeling like I have the flu, achy and lousy, due to the toxins being drawn out of my body
What is the point?
How long can I do this?
So the spiral downwards can easily happen...
Such is The Battle
It is a battle for my mind, my thoughts
It is learning to be content and find peace and have joy...really be happy in the midst of this cancer journey
NOT because I accomplished something important today or was a part of achieving something significant...a young life impacted, a new Coffee Oasis location opened or another individual who became excited about our mission to change the world for homeless youth
BUT because I am really learning to "be still and know that HE is GOD"
By learning to rest in His love, to trust in His purposes and to meditate upon His person and promises
To know Him in a way that I've known about Him and talked about Him
But was so busy accomplishing things FOR Him that I didn't make the same amount of time to experience Him...to know Him like a good friend.
Such is The Battle for my mind and thoughts
Because I'm not accomplishing any important or significant things nowadays to bring joy
It has to come deeper
Isaiah 26:3 says "God will keep in perfect peace the one whose MIND is stayed on Him"
I've known that verse for decades...
Now it's time to really practice it...hard work!
I don't know if this makes any sense
It's the stuff going around and around in my mind every day in my cancer journey
And it's not be any means a "successful" fight every day:(
That's how you can pray for me...thanks much
Friday, June 14, 2019
A Discouraging Report
Yesterday was a tough day...
I had a scheduled CT Scan and follow up consultation with my SCCA oncologist.
Cindy and I went into the day not expecting bad news
We were wrong:(
When we met with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT Scan, he informed us immediately that the tumor in the lining of my left lung had grown significantly from the first CT Scan taken the end of February.
In 3 1/2 months it has grown approximately 40%
What was thought to be a slower growing tumor has shown itself to be much more aggressive
Really hard news
His contentment one month ago to "do nothing" because I was feeling good, changed to a concern that I needed to proceed immediately with chemotherapy in order to hopefully slow down the tumor growth.
Though, of course, potentially/probably negatively impacting my quality of life
Life and death decisions...
We declined to begin chemotherapy
I am only five days into The Treatment Program described in an earlier blog and we are committed to being committed to it
The Treatment Program and chemotherapy wouldn't work together
The plan is to return in 3 months to have another CT Scan and consultation with him
Such news is exhausting...usually impacting me for a couple of days or so
Kind of like getting walloped by someone's fist in your face
Not that I've ever experienced that:)
But I think it would take me a couple of days to recover from that!
So we regroup and keep working away at The Treatment Program
With a mixture of hope and tears and exhaustion and daily diligence to do what I need to do
Thanks so much again for praying and caring and sharing encouraging thoughts and songs
This is no sprint...
I had a scheduled CT Scan and follow up consultation with my SCCA oncologist.
Cindy and I went into the day not expecting bad news
We were wrong:(
When we met with my oncologist to discuss the results of the CT Scan, he informed us immediately that the tumor in the lining of my left lung had grown significantly from the first CT Scan taken the end of February.
In 3 1/2 months it has grown approximately 40%
What was thought to be a slower growing tumor has shown itself to be much more aggressive
Really hard news
His contentment one month ago to "do nothing" because I was feeling good, changed to a concern that I needed to proceed immediately with chemotherapy in order to hopefully slow down the tumor growth.
Though, of course, potentially/probably negatively impacting my quality of life
Life and death decisions...
We declined to begin chemotherapy
I am only five days into The Treatment Program described in an earlier blog and we are committed to being committed to it
The Treatment Program and chemotherapy wouldn't work together
The plan is to return in 3 months to have another CT Scan and consultation with him
Such news is exhausting...usually impacting me for a couple of days or so
Kind of like getting walloped by someone's fist in your face
Not that I've ever experienced that:)
But I think it would take me a couple of days to recover from that!
So we regroup and keep working away at The Treatment Program
With a mixture of hope and tears and exhaustion and daily diligence to do what I need to do
Thanks so much again for praying and caring and sharing encouraging thoughts and songs
This is no sprint...
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
A Tribute
I can't continue this blog without a tribute to the amazing lady who is making this cancer journey possible...
My wife, CINDY.
She is incredible!
Of course, any of you who know her don't have to be told that...
So, I simply want to appreciate and honor her for a few minutes:)
Where is she right now as I'm typing this blog?
Shopping...and she doesn't like shopping:)
She has been doing it for hours today...and many other days
Finding out where to procure the organic items that now must make up our diet
We're talking a complete change to what I am able to eat
And she's right there with me, buying , preparing, juicing, and figuring out new recipes to make dishes that are appetizing and appropriate for my Treatment Program
Every step of the way and in every aspect of The Program she is proactively engaged, thinking about how we can do it and how we can do it better
Keeping me going, providing encouragement and being a rock when I feel like I'm sinking
I could never ask for a better best friend and support and wife
Proverbs 31:10-11 describes Cindy well:
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
Thank you Cindy for being you, the incredible gift of God to me:)
I love you!
My wife, CINDY.
She is incredible!
Of course, any of you who know her don't have to be told that...
So, I simply want to appreciate and honor her for a few minutes:)
Where is she right now as I'm typing this blog?
Shopping...and she doesn't like shopping:)
She has been doing it for hours today...and many other days
Finding out where to procure the organic items that now must make up our diet
We're talking a complete change to what I am able to eat
And she's right there with me, buying , preparing, juicing, and figuring out new recipes to make dishes that are appetizing and appropriate for my Treatment Program
Every step of the way and in every aspect of The Program she is proactively engaged, thinking about how we can do it and how we can do it better
Keeping me going, providing encouragement and being a rock when I feel like I'm sinking
I could never ask for a better best friend and support and wife
Proverbs 31:10-11 describes Cindy well:
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
Thank you Cindy for being you, the incredible gift of God to me:)
I love you!
Monday, June 10, 2019
Day One
I made it through Day One!
To be totally transparent...it wasn't a total program Day One.
I won't receive half of my supplements until Wednesday, so instead of having to take 200+ supplements today I only had to take 100+!
Talk about a cake walk, right?
NO!
Let me give you a glimpse...
Every 4 hours I need to take 14 capsules of the pancreatic enzymes.
The schedule is as follows: 12 am, 4 am, 8 am, 12 pm, 4 pm and 8 pm.
I'm a good pill taker...no, I don't mean that I take lots of pills. I avoid taking medication unless I'm about to die, which is why, I guess, I'm taking so many pills now!
What I mean is that I can down a bunch of pills in one gulp, if needed.
Not these babies...they are BIG!
It takes me a pint of water (reverse osmosis, of course) just to get them all down. It's a mental battle as I tried to swallow 6 of them the first time and almost regurgitated them all back. So 3 is the limit.
The kicker is that I cannot have any food or drink (water excepted) one hour before or one hour after taking the pancreatic enzymes so they can do their thing without having food to digest.
That gives me two hour windows between enzyme intake (e.g. 5 am - 7 am) to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or any snack, or wait until the next window.
Which isn't as easy as it may sound with the demands of my diet...e.g. fresh made vegetable juice 2-4 tines/day, NO microwave, so everything needs to be cooked fresh, not to mention certain special foods that must be prepared and eaten daily as part of the diet (e.g. chia seeds soaked in coconut milk and fresh made almond milk).
Add to this a one-hour detox every morning and evening and Day One (minus 100 capsules!) has made it really clear that The Treatment Program is going to be life-consuming!
Which doesn't make Day Two something that I'm particularly anticipating:(
So, as you can tell, a huge part of this journey is going to be the mental battle...
Another round of pills, another detox, another thing to prepare...just to do it again and again and again and again...you get the idea.
Thoughts that go through my mind...
Is this living? What is my purpose? Can I find joy in the midst of this? Why?
Thanks for listening...as I continue to share my journey and wrestle with the reality of what my life has become...
To be totally transparent...it wasn't a total program Day One.
I won't receive half of my supplements until Wednesday, so instead of having to take 200+ supplements today I only had to take 100+!
Talk about a cake walk, right?
NO!
Let me give you a glimpse...
Every 4 hours I need to take 14 capsules of the pancreatic enzymes.
The schedule is as follows: 12 am, 4 am, 8 am, 12 pm, 4 pm and 8 pm.
I'm a good pill taker...no, I don't mean that I take lots of pills. I avoid taking medication unless I'm about to die, which is why, I guess, I'm taking so many pills now!
What I mean is that I can down a bunch of pills in one gulp, if needed.
Not these babies...they are BIG!
It takes me a pint of water (reverse osmosis, of course) just to get them all down. It's a mental battle as I tried to swallow 6 of them the first time and almost regurgitated them all back. So 3 is the limit.
The kicker is that I cannot have any food or drink (water excepted) one hour before or one hour after taking the pancreatic enzymes so they can do their thing without having food to digest.
That gives me two hour windows between enzyme intake (e.g. 5 am - 7 am) to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner or any snack, or wait until the next window.
Which isn't as easy as it may sound with the demands of my diet...e.g. fresh made vegetable juice 2-4 tines/day, NO microwave, so everything needs to be cooked fresh, not to mention certain special foods that must be prepared and eaten daily as part of the diet (e.g. chia seeds soaked in coconut milk and fresh made almond milk).
Add to this a one-hour detox every morning and evening and Day One (minus 100 capsules!) has made it really clear that The Treatment Program is going to be life-consuming!
Which doesn't make Day Two something that I'm particularly anticipating:(
So, as you can tell, a huge part of this journey is going to be the mental battle...
Another round of pills, another detox, another thing to prepare...just to do it again and again and again and again...you get the idea.
Thoughts that go through my mind...
Is this living? What is my purpose? Can I find joy in the midst of this? Why?
Thanks for listening...as I continue to share my journey and wrestle with the reality of what my life has become...
Sunday, June 9, 2019
The Treatment Program
We arrived home this afternoon from New York.
It was great to visit and see the sights, but there is nothing like flying into SeaTac airport and seeing the mountains and water and trees!
It's good to be home.
But, to be honest, arriving home has also come with a bit of a dread - it's time to begin The Program.
Crazy, huh, to be dreading the thing that has the possibility of providing life and health from the dreaded cancer?
It gives you a glimpse into the trepidation and uncertainty and weakness that easily dominates my thinking as I embark upon this daily treatment journey.
So...to give you a glimpse of The Treatment Program:
1. Diet - To put it simply, the chickens of this world are now much safer! We used to eat a lot of the feathered fowl (without the feathers, of course) as a healthier alternative to what other carnivores eat...but no more:(
My new diet is basically an organic, vegetarian diet. Lots of raw vegetables and fruits along with whole grains, nuts, beans and seeds, with some fish and dairy thrown in to round things out.
It almost sounds like, rather than eating birds, I am beginning to eat more like a bird!
Actually, the Diet is the easiest part of The Program except for the elimination of good things like donuts and ice cream!
I still get to drink a few cups of our amazing Coffee Oasis fresh roasted organic coffee each week:)
Who am I to complain...
And, not that any of you are looking for advice but, reducing your daily sugar intact might make your body happier also.
Just saying...
2. Supplements - Lots of them. LOTS of them. Around 200+ each day spread out throughout the clock both to strengthen my body and to fight the cancer.
That's a lot of capsules to down every day. That's a lot of water to drink. Reverse osmosis water without chlorine or fluoride or other little minerals or bugs that may be lurking.
The supplements, like the diet, are particularly tailored to my body and my cancer treatment program.
The heart of the supplement program are pancreatic enzymes which are known cancer fighting agents.
3. Detox - Getting rid of the gunk.
I will spare you the details here!
The simple of it is regular, daily and monthly internal cleansing processes to get out the dead cancer cells and toxins being eliminated from the body as the diet and supplements are doing their thing.
I'm not looking forward to this part, but then I never really looked forward to running laps to get in shape either:)
Well, that about sums up The Treatment Program that begins TOMORROW!
Thanks for encouraging and supporting and praying me through this:)
One final thing for today's blog: If after reading this explanation of The Treatment Program you are thinking "that doesn't seem like it will do any good at all in fighting cancer" or "that's dumb" or something else of the sort; please keep it to yourself.
One of my oncologists had the same concern though what he had to offer me was nothing!
This doesn't have to be what you would choose or the route you would go...
This is my cancer journey and the route we are confident holds out a lot of HOPE for us.
Till next time...
It was great to visit and see the sights, but there is nothing like flying into SeaTac airport and seeing the mountains and water and trees!
It's good to be home.
But, to be honest, arriving home has also come with a bit of a dread - it's time to begin The Program.
Crazy, huh, to be dreading the thing that has the possibility of providing life and health from the dreaded cancer?
It gives you a glimpse into the trepidation and uncertainty and weakness that easily dominates my thinking as I embark upon this daily treatment journey.
So...to give you a glimpse of The Treatment Program:
1. Diet - To put it simply, the chickens of this world are now much safer! We used to eat a lot of the feathered fowl (without the feathers, of course) as a healthier alternative to what other carnivores eat...but no more:(
My new diet is basically an organic, vegetarian diet. Lots of raw vegetables and fruits along with whole grains, nuts, beans and seeds, with some fish and dairy thrown in to round things out.
It almost sounds like, rather than eating birds, I am beginning to eat more like a bird!
Actually, the Diet is the easiest part of The Program except for the elimination of good things like donuts and ice cream!
I still get to drink a few cups of our amazing Coffee Oasis fresh roasted organic coffee each week:)
Who am I to complain...
And, not that any of you are looking for advice but, reducing your daily sugar intact might make your body happier also.
Just saying...
2. Supplements - Lots of them. LOTS of them. Around 200+ each day spread out throughout the clock both to strengthen my body and to fight the cancer.
That's a lot of capsules to down every day. That's a lot of water to drink. Reverse osmosis water without chlorine or fluoride or other little minerals or bugs that may be lurking.
The supplements, like the diet, are particularly tailored to my body and my cancer treatment program.
The heart of the supplement program are pancreatic enzymes which are known cancer fighting agents.
3. Detox - Getting rid of the gunk.
I will spare you the details here!
The simple of it is regular, daily and monthly internal cleansing processes to get out the dead cancer cells and toxins being eliminated from the body as the diet and supplements are doing their thing.
I'm not looking forward to this part, but then I never really looked forward to running laps to get in shape either:)
Well, that about sums up The Treatment Program that begins TOMORROW!
Thanks for encouraging and supporting and praying me through this:)
One final thing for today's blog: If after reading this explanation of The Treatment Program you are thinking "that doesn't seem like it will do any good at all in fighting cancer" or "that's dumb" or something else of the sort; please keep it to yourself.
One of my oncologists had the same concern though what he had to offer me was nothing!
This doesn't have to be what you would choose or the route you would go...
This is my cancer journey and the route we are confident holds out a lot of HOPE for us.
Till next time...
Saturday, June 8, 2019
New York
Traditional medicine giving up on me led to Cindy (my amazing wife) and I looking at alternative cancer treatment possibilities that might offer some hope.
There are actually a LOT of them out there, both in the USA and overseas.
If you have been given a "palliative" cancer diagnosis; don't give up...there are a lot of hopeful options!
So, we researched a lot of them, many offered by friends and friends of friends who have had family or friends facing what I am right now.
Talk about a life or death decision!
We settled on a treatment program in New York suggested by a friend whose son has seen much success in his fight against cancer through their program.
We thoroughly researched it and felt it was right for me.
So we are in New York...very much due to the support of family and friends who have made this journey, which is just beginning, financially possible.
Thank you:)
We arrived Wednesday and leave tomorrow, Sunday.
Our 39th wedding anniversary was yesterday so, besides meeting with the doctor on Thursday and Friday, we made an anniversary trip out of it seeing the sights of New York...or at least some highlights that can be had in a handful of days.
It's been great...but, man, it's been hard.
Meeting with the doctor was overwhelming, facing the reality and immensity of what lies ahead daily in my future of alternative cancer treatment.
It is not for the faint of heart. It is going to be hard work...life consuming...seeking to stay alive in this fight against the enemy within!
It's easy to lose hope.
Especially on days like today when walking the streets and viewing the incredible sights of New York, I'm exhausted. My energy gets zapped way too quickly.
I need to take a nap every day to make it through the day.
This isn't me...the guy who founded and has directed a growing non-profit for 22 years!
How can I do this every day? Will it always be this way? What is the way forward?
Good questions that I'm doing a lot of thinking about as I begin this new stage of life.
Questions that I'll reflect on with you...and I'm happy for your feedback also along the way.
Time for bed. We have an early flight home tomorrow...
There are actually a LOT of them out there, both in the USA and overseas.
If you have been given a "palliative" cancer diagnosis; don't give up...there are a lot of hopeful options!
So, we researched a lot of them, many offered by friends and friends of friends who have had family or friends facing what I am right now.
Talk about a life or death decision!
We settled on a treatment program in New York suggested by a friend whose son has seen much success in his fight against cancer through their program.
We thoroughly researched it and felt it was right for me.
So we are in New York...very much due to the support of family and friends who have made this journey, which is just beginning, financially possible.
Thank you:)
We arrived Wednesday and leave tomorrow, Sunday.
Our 39th wedding anniversary was yesterday so, besides meeting with the doctor on Thursday and Friday, we made an anniversary trip out of it seeing the sights of New York...or at least some highlights that can be had in a handful of days.
It's been great...but, man, it's been hard.
Meeting with the doctor was overwhelming, facing the reality and immensity of what lies ahead daily in my future of alternative cancer treatment.
It is not for the faint of heart. It is going to be hard work...life consuming...seeking to stay alive in this fight against the enemy within!
It's easy to lose hope.
Especially on days like today when walking the streets and viewing the incredible sights of New York, I'm exhausted. My energy gets zapped way too quickly.
I need to take a nap every day to make it through the day.
This isn't me...the guy who founded and has directed a growing non-profit for 22 years!
How can I do this every day? Will it always be this way? What is the way forward?
Good questions that I'm doing a lot of thinking about as I begin this new stage of life.
Questions that I'll reflect on with you...and I'm happy for your feedback also along the way.
Time for bed. We have an early flight home tomorrow...
Thursday, June 6, 2019
The Beginning
Let me start at the beginning...
No, not Genesis 1:1 or the Big Bang...or August 18, 1954 when I was introduced to planet Earth!
February 19, 2019
It was on that day that my world was turned upside down. I went to the doctor feeling really nasty and thinking I might have pneumonia. A chest x-ray showed a "circular density" in the lining of my left lung. A quick succession of scans and tests and biopsies revealed malignant pleural mesothelioma.
Wow!
I was referred to specialists at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and the University of Washington Medical Center with the hope that I might qualify for a clinical trial using immunotherapy.
Nope.
A scope and biopsy of my right lung showed that the mesothelioma had metastasized and my diagnosis was changed to "palliative care".
In other words, there was nothing they could do for me with stage 4 malignant pleural mesothelioma except maybe try to prolong my life using chemotherapy.
No thanks.
Was this it or was there any hope?
I'll be honest. There were some really dark days during those initial weeks of one more piece of bad news after another. There still are some rough days if I dwell on the way that my world has been rocked, or if I mull over the possibility of leaving me wife and children and grandchildren, or if I focus on the stark reality that I have this enemy inside of me seeking to suck the life out of me.
I don't want to die. I still have a lot of living that I want to do!
And so this journey has led to lots of research and reflection...
And it is on that journey that I invite you to join me.
Thank you for listening and thank you for caring and supporting.
Till next time...
No, not Genesis 1:1 or the Big Bang...or August 18, 1954 when I was introduced to planet Earth!
February 19, 2019
It was on that day that my world was turned upside down. I went to the doctor feeling really nasty and thinking I might have pneumonia. A chest x-ray showed a "circular density" in the lining of my left lung. A quick succession of scans and tests and biopsies revealed malignant pleural mesothelioma.
Wow!
I was referred to specialists at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance and the University of Washington Medical Center with the hope that I might qualify for a clinical trial using immunotherapy.
Nope.
A scope and biopsy of my right lung showed that the mesothelioma had metastasized and my diagnosis was changed to "palliative care".
In other words, there was nothing they could do for me with stage 4 malignant pleural mesothelioma except maybe try to prolong my life using chemotherapy.
No thanks.
Was this it or was there any hope?
I'll be honest. There were some really dark days during those initial weeks of one more piece of bad news after another. There still are some rough days if I dwell on the way that my world has been rocked, or if I mull over the possibility of leaving me wife and children and grandchildren, or if I focus on the stark reality that I have this enemy inside of me seeking to suck the life out of me.
I don't want to die. I still have a lot of living that I want to do!
And so this journey has led to lots of research and reflection...
And it is on that journey that I invite you to join me.
Thank you for listening and thank you for caring and supporting.
Till next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)