HARD WORDS. REAL WORDS.

I'm currently reading through the book of Job in the Bible

As I work my way through the Old Testament

And...

Wow!

Can I ever identify with the man, Job

And his emotions and feelings and thoughts

As he wrestled with the way his life had been

Chewed up, spit out and turned upside down.

What brutal honesty

What uncomfortable language at times

He used to describe his pain and suffering!

And in doing so

The verdict from God is...

He NEVER sinned with his words!

Meaning...

It's okay to be honest about our pain!

Which is soooo important

Is it not?

To know that God isn't upset or offended by our honesty

And that our responsibility isn't to try and make him look good

By putting on a nice "Christian" facade

But to simply cling to him and love him...

Which is liberating for me

As I've wrestled with similar thoughts as Job.

(Note: Even though God is miraculously healing my body, the mental battle is still a very present reality as I struggle with the side effects of treatment and their impact on my body and life)

To give you a glimpse from Job:

I cannot eat for sighing

My groans pour out like water

I have no peace, no quietness

If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales

They would outweigh all the sands of the sea

That is why I spoke impulsively

For the Almighty has struck me down with his arrows

Their poison infects my spirit

God's terrors are lined up against me.

I would rather be strangled-rather die than suffer like this

I despise my life

I waste away like rotting wood, like a moth-eaten coat

Oh God, you have ground me down

My spirit is crushed

God has made me sick at heart; the Almighty has terrified me

Darkness is all around me, thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere

I long for the years gone by

And now my life seeps away, depression haunts my days

At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly

So there you have it...

Brutal, honest words and emotions

That might be hard for some of you to believe

I could actually feel and think

And yet...I have and still do

In the midst of this difficult cancer journey!

And yet, at the same time, like Job

I also strongly believe the following:

True wisdom and power are found in God;

Counsel and understanding are his.

God might kill me, but I have no other hope.

But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,

And he will stand upon the earth at last.

And after my body has decayed,

Yet in my body I will see God!

I will see him for myself.

Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.

I am overwhelmed at the thought!

I go east, but he is not there

I go west, but I cannot find him.

I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden

I look to the south, but he is concealed.

But...he knows where I am going

And when he has tested me, I will come out as pure gold!

So...the brutality and beauty

Of the book of Job

That I hope gives you a glimpse

Both of the struggle

That batters away at my soul almost every day

And of the solid foundation

That keeps my battered soul

In the midst of this cancer storm.

Thanks again for listening...

You all are the amazing friends that Job wished he would have had:)

Dave

Grateful

Wanted to give a brief update from my previous "anxious" blog...

Two Things:

1. My treatment last Friday went off without any problems or excitement

Meaning I had no bad reactions

No anaphylactic moments

Passing out and scaring everyone:)

Though, having had two over the past months

Does keep the nurses on their toes!!

So...

I will continue to have treatments every three weeks

But future treatments will no longer include the chemo drug

That causes the worst side effects

But will continue with the two immunotherapy drugs and one chemo drug.

Now...

For more incredible news:

2. My doctor just called to report on my tumor markers...

To refresh your memories:

Tumor markers are one measurement showing tumor activity

By measuring protein levels put off in the body.

My normal measurement range would be 0-38

Meaning, for me, that is the protein level put off by the tumor that is within the range that a normal person would have.

So...the exciting progression:

March 13th = 58
April 3rd = 45
April 24th = 37
May 15th = 29!!!

Hallelujah!

I am so grateful:)

Thank you again for your support, prayer, encouragement and positive thoughts!!

As always, you all are so appreciated,

Dave

Anxious

Tomorrow, Friday, May 15th, will be my 6th chemo and immunotherapy treatment...

And I am anxious about it:(

From a purely rational standpoint

It doesn't make sense to be anxious

My treatments are going well

The cancer is receding

And my doctor is very positive about my prognosis:)

But, nevertheless, I am anxious

Because...

I know that I have a week or so ahead

When I'm not going to feel great

When I'm going to experience the side effects of the drugs going in my body

And...

That with each treatment

The side effects will probably impact me with increasing severity

And...

That the 6th treatment

I.e. This one

Is the turning point

In which one of the chemo drugs

Becomes potentially more detrimental to my body than beneficial.

That makes me anxious!

I know, I know

After everything that I've been through

After all the miracles that I've experienced from a merciful God

And the incredible doctor that I have...

I should be filled with FAITH!

And yet, I am anxious:(

I can definitely relate to Jesus' disciples

When he said to them

When once again they feared or failed to trust instead of having faith in him.

"You men of little faith!"

That's me!

That's probably hard or confusing for some of you

Who have followed my journey

And have assumed that I am a strong person

With incredible faith

Because I'm sharing my journey.

When in reality

I'm sharing because

I need you

Your support

And prayer

And encouragement

And your strong arms holding me up

As I continue on this journey

One day at a time

Learning to trust

As I face each new challenge

That this journey throws at me!

So...

That's it:)

Thanks for hanging in there with me

And for your faithful prayer and support and encouragement and positive thoughts!

I appreciate you all so much:)

Dave

Overwhelmed

I am now 10 days past my 5th chemo and immunotherapy treatment

Which means that the worst of the side affects are behind me

That accompany these treatments

Which I will spare you the details:)

What I do want to share in this blog

Is the overwhelming gratitude and emotion

That has been enveloping me

Over the past few days

 As I've reflected on my cancer journey

And the miraculous transformation

That is happening within my body!

I am ALIVE!!

This whole journey has been surreal

As my diagnosis has changed

From "about to die" to "curable"

In the short span of the past three months!

My mind continually wanders back

To my week-long stay in the hospital in January

When my doctor thought I might have a week left to live

And I was surviving only with the help of strong narcotics.

For weeks I was merely existing

With only enough strength to eat and sleep

Physically, looking like I was a famine victim

Emotionally, lacking any capacity for human interaction

The mere thought exhausting me.

I had no idea how bad I really was

And my always positive-thinking wife

Did not expect me

To be alive to celebrate her birthday last week on April 29th.

Those were dark and difficult days

And, then...

The miracles began:

A friend working in an oncology clinic

Visited me in the hospital

 And offered to reach out to an oncologist for me

Which she did that very same day

Resulting in him visiting me the next day in the hospital.

He offered me an innovative chemo and immunotherapy treatment

For which I'd been rejected by the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance

Because my cancer was categorized as stage four and deemed incurable!

And yet he was also very honest

Calling the potential of success as a "Hail Mary"

With less than 5% chance of slowing the cancer

Because my condition had become so serious

And my cancerous tumor had grown so rapidly and become so large

Encompassing the top of my left lung and pushing against my heart.

The expectation of dying soon was constantly on my mind.

And yet God had something else in store for me...LIFE!

Not that it wasn't without it's challenges:)

Twice, I had serious anaphylactic reactions to drug infusions I received

Once, my heart flat-lined and I needed CPR

To be brought back to life!

But the treatments continued

Though, I do admit anxiety every time I went in for my next treatment:)

And...I began to feel better!

I gained an appetite

I was able to begin exercising

I began slowly to gain back weight

I had energy to interact with people

I began to do some writing

And...

My doctor began to get really excited

Which is a REALLY good thing:)

His language changed from

Palliative Care:(

To...

Curable:)

A CT scan showed the cancer tumor massively decreased in size!

My tumor markers showed movement into the normal range!

And...

All of this within THREE MONTHS!

My head is spinning

My emotions are overflowing

I am daily overwhelmed

And grateful...to God and to my doctor

And just wanted to briefly

Remember and reflect with you all for a few moments

About this incredible cancer journey.

I so appreciate again your support and prayer and encouragement

Over the past months

Which I consider a huge part of the healing process I've experienced.

So...thank you!

This isn't a goodbye...

We aren't done yet:)

My next treatment is May 15th

At which time my doctor will evaluate

How we will continue to move forward with treatment.

Until then...

I appreciate and value you all so much:)

Blessings,

Dave

"The Lord has done great things for me; I am glad!"