PEACE

Without question

The most significant, daily challenge for me 

As I walk this cancer journey

Is the internal mental struggle

That goes with this journey.

It is so unpredictable

And difficult

And unknown

How I will feel today

Or tomorrow

Or the next day.

Every day

And every treatment cycle

And how my body will respond

Is unknown

Except to know

That it will be another physically challenging

And difficult day

In which I will mentally struggle

To be internally at peace.

As I was reflecting on this today

Looking back over the past several difficult days

And my internal, mental struggle

In light of my external, physical condition

It dawned on me how similar and prevalent this

Lack of peace

Might be in light of the COVID-19 pandemic

Which is captured poignantly

In this excerpt from an article I saw in the NY Times today:

"All I've really known is that the answer to work and to emotional strife

Has been to work harder and work more.

Now he realizes that may not be enough.  

Soon, there is no 'harder' and no 'more'

And that leaves me with uncertainty I will have to face.

I will have to slow down and process my emotions".

So this cancer journey of mine

And this global coronavirus pandemic

Pushes us all to ask

"How can we experience internal PEACE

In the midst of these external challenges?"

I'll be honest...

I'm not doing a very good job:(

My life experience thus far had been limited to

Experiencing acute, temporary pain and heartache and challenges

With an end in sight that I could hold on for

Rather than this

Expectation of ongoing pain and heartache

With no end in sight.

Can you sense my lack of peace?

It's not that I'm unaware of the promise of peace

A peace that passes all understanding

That is offered to me (all of us)

By the Prince of Peace.

"My peace I give to you," said Jesus,

"Not as the world gives, give I to you".

I think it's just that maybe

I've always sought to experience such peace

"As the world gives"

In other words...

Through external change such as...

Elimination of pain

Or change of circumstances

(Like the man in the NY Times article)

Rather than internal transformation

Providing peace and contentment and even joy!

In the face of continued external pain and suffering.

It has dawned on me

That rather than beating myself up

(which I can be very good at!)

For not experiencing the incredible peace offered by Jesus

It's another "positive" of this cancer journey

Putting me in the situation where

Peace "as the world gives"

(changing the external)

Just doesn't cut it anymore

I need to and must

Find the internal peace that passes all understanding

That is found in the Prince of Peace

In the thick of this ongoing and unknown cancer journey.

That's what I want.

That's what I need

To not just survive

But thrive

As I walk this cancer journey

Day after day after day...

Simply hoping, depending, trusting and delighting

In Jesus!

Experiencing Him as my peace!

Thanks again for your prayer and support!

I need them:)

And I pray that you also, in these uncertain times, may experience His Peace!

Blessings,

Dave

A Brief Praise and Thanks

Yesterday was chemo and immunotherapy #3

And most of you were well aware

Of my anxiety in light of the two previous serious allergic reactions I experienced.

Well...

Yesterday, went GREAT!

No excitement
(except for my doctors as he continued to see my improvement!)

No allergic reactions

Just a smooth five hour time of infusions!

So...

Thank you all so much for praying and caring and supporting:)

A journey it has been

And will continue to be...

But these bright spots are wonderful!!

I will be having a CT scan on March 27th

To see what progress has been made

In shrinking the tumor

Then my fourth chemo and immunotherapy treatment on April 1st.

In the meantime

Thank you for continuing to hold me up

As I go through the side effects of the chemo I had yesterday.

You all are such a blessing to me!

Dave

P.S.  I do want to also express my appreciation to those of you

Who respond to my "reflections"

With your own personal thoughts in disagreement with mine.

I thank you for your courage to do so in a gracious way

And always covet open and free dialogue about important issues

Which is often missing in our contentious world

Which finds it much easier to build walls than bridges:(

If any of you would like to interact more about these "reflections"

Please reach out to me through my email at: david.frederick@thecoffeeoasis.com

I'd love to engage in hearty interaction that way

Rather than through the blog or Facebook

Which often can lead to less than cordial interactions:)

Again, thank you to all of you for being such amazing friends and supporters!

Many, many blessings,

Dave

Psalm 126:3 "The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad!"

Amen!!

Chemo #3 and Sober Reflection

This Friday, March 13th, is my third chemo and immunotherapy treatment.

As it approaches, I have both

An eagerness to continue the treatments

With the hope that they are reducing or eliminating the cancer ravaging my body,

And some anxiety.

The anxiety comes from the two severe allergic reactions that I've previously experienced

And a real concern that it may happen again

Since the two previous reactions

Occurred after I'd previously had the drugs to which I reacted.

So...I'd really appreciate prayer for peace

And an uneventful infusion day:)

Now for a sober reflection...

We found out today

That one of our former foster daughters died.

The last time I heard from her

She reached out to me at the beginning of this cancer journey

To let me know she cared and was thinking about me.

It has caused me to reflect again

On the question...

"What happens at the moment of death?"

What is she experiencing?

What will I experience?

You?

These are not theoretical questions to me

As I ponder daily my mortality

And the possibility of this cancer ending my life

Whether soon or not.

We are so caught up with daily life

That we seldom take the time to ponder

The reality of what is to come at death.

And yet this brief momentary existence

That so consumes and dominates our attention

Is but a  blip, is it not,

In the bigger, forever scheme of things?

To think that at death

There is "nothing"

That death is the end of our existence

Does not make sense

In light of the thinking and feeling people that we are

With an innate awareness that there is more

Than just the current, temporal physical

That surrounds us.

There is more.

But what is it?

What happens at the moment of death?

Immediate Intimate Relationship with Jesus!

There is a verse in the Bible that says

"To leave the body is to be present with the Lord"

Bam! 

Immediately in God's presence!

Entrance into eternal, intimate relationship with Jesus

Joy and Life that I can't even begin to imagine right now

Mine beginning immediately at the moment of death.

But, is this what everyone should anticipate at death?

I think not.

As immediate, intimate relationship with Jesus

Will be the reality of us whose hope is in Jesus.

On the contrary

Separation from Jesus

Will be the experience of those who deny the reality of Jesus.

Depending on what or who we now hope in...

Will be our conscious reality at the moment of death.

Relation or Separation.

These reflections may

Seem pretty heavy to some of you

And even crazy to others of you?

But to me

Treading this daily, deadly cancer journey

And upon hearing of the death of our foster daughter;

They are incredibly important things to reflect upon!

Blessings,

Dave

Withdrawal

When my body crashed on January 11th

And I entered the hospital for a week,

The only thing that brought me immediate relief

And enabled the week-long regrouping

Was intravenous morphine.

I had forgotten what it was like not to have

My body wracked with pain.

It was a wonderful thing!

The week in the hospital was mainly spent

Figuring out how to best manage my pain

As the tumor had grown significantly

And was definitely ravaging my whole body.

I was sent home with two opioids:

Dilaudid, a quick acting drug that could be taken every three hours

That would bring immediate pain relief

And...

Morphine Sulfate, a long acting drug taken twice a day

That would provide a base pain relief.

To make a long story short...

As my body began to recuperate

By God's grace

And with the help of immunotherapy and chemotherapy,

I began the process of weaning myself

Off of the opioids.

First, I quit taking the Dilaudid.

No problem.

Then, I went down to taking the Morphine Sulfate

Just once a day.

No problem.

Then, about six days ago

I completely quit taking the Morphine Sulfate.

Problem.

Withdrawal.

They aren't horrible withdrawal symptoms.

In my naivety, they were just unexpected:)

The worst symptom is "restless leg syndrome"

Which means that for the last several nights

Instead of sleeping

I am now walking

To bring some relief to my body

That is driving me crazy!

The good news is...

This should only last a few more days

And...

That I am able to eliminate the opioids!

And manage the pain just with Acetaminophen

Yay!

One final thing:

My nausea only lasted about five days

After my second chemo and immunotherapy treatment

Two weeks ago.

Yay again!

My third treatment is March 13th

After which I will have another CT scan

To evaluate what is happening with the tumor.

Thank you again so much for your prayer, support and encouragement!

Blessings,

Dave

Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

This is probably the most frequent question I’ve been asked in the months since I was diagnosed with stage 4 mesothelioma cancer with small chance of a cure.  

Many are trying to grapple with the reality of why a guy who started and led a non-profit serving homeless youth should be “cut down” in the thick of life and prevented from continuing such service.  

It just doesn’t seem fair!  

Why not a drug addict or rapist or arsonist instead?  

It would make sense for “bad things” to happen to “bad people” wouldn’t it?  But a “good person” like me??  And so the question “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

This was the title of a book written by Rabbi Harold Kushner in 1981 in light of a personal family tragedy.  His conclusion was that God’s power is limited in the face of evil.  

I disagree!

And I would like to offer another perspective for consideration in light of my personal “bad” that I believe more accurately portrays both God and reality.

I would never have chosen this cancer journey that I’m on.  Cancer is terrible.  It wreaks havoc on you.  It is hard.  It is painful. It is a daily physical and mental battle.  

BUT, is it a “bad thing” happening to me?

In the way that it has turned my world upside down, stopped me from continuing to do the work I love, made me a “frequent flier” at Harrison Medical Center; not to mention, needing CPR to bring me back to life; that would be an unqualified YES!  

Which makes it very difficult to look beyond these “bad things” to see the many “good things” that have come from what I am experiencing. 

In fact, as this cancer journey continues for me, I’ve been amazed at how God is using it for much good.  

It has reinforced my realization that far from God’s power being limited in the face of evil, it is God’s power that instead is turning evil into good!

I began this blog at the beginning of my journey at the encouragement of my oldest son, though I didn’t have any idea about how to blog or the impact it might have.  

It’s been amazing.  As I’ve shared my ups and downs, my despair and the hope, of my cancer journey; hundreds of you have joined me in my journey!  It has reached far beyond Kitsap County.  A relative stranger told my youngest son, “Texas is praying for you!”.  

Many of you have responded with encouragement and support. You have expressed the impact my words have had on you, providing you encouragement in the midst of your life’s challenges as I’ve honestly and transparently shared my challenges. 

I have also grown in my understanding of and compassion for individuals who are in pain.  I’m much more cognizant of my mortality and confident of heaven’s reality.  

These are “good things” are they not?  It is not what I would have chosen and not what I would have imagined as a means of encouraging others, but God has definitely turned it for good.

Now for the second part to the question “Why do ‘bad things’ happen to ‘good people’”?

When people ask me this question, they are insinuating that I am a “good person”.  

What makes them think that?  

The assumption is because I started and directed an organization for 22 years that has impacted the lives of hundreds of homeless youth.  

But...does that make me “good”?

If you’ve read about the recent substantiated sexual abuse revelations against Jean Vanier, proclaimed by many as a saint for having started L’Arche, an organization that has served thousands of disabled individuals all over the world; you have to ask yourself, “Was he a ‘good person’”?

What makes someone “good”?  

Is it their accomplishments or their character?  

What about a poor, single mom working two jobs to provide for her children, who in a moment of desperation shoplifts to provide her children new clothing so they aren’t made fun of at school for how they look?  

Would you consider her a “good” or “bad” person?  

Please…I am NOT justifying shoplifting!  I’m simply trying to get us to wrestle with how it is that we evaluate individuals as “good” or “bad”.

I think it’s time we reevaluate asking the question “Why do ‘bad things’ happen to ‘good people’”?