Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I didn't want to come...

An ultrasound guided thoracocentesis (I think I spelled it right!)

To put it in layman's language:

My left lung will be drained of about one and a half liters of fluid

It's been getting increasingly difficult to breathe with more shortness of breath especially when I bend over to pick something up

It's supposed to be a quick in and out (two hours) procedure

It's just the history I talked about in my last blog that's there in the back of my mind:(

The hope is that with the fluid gone, my left lung can re-expand improving my breathing

That is the unknown...

If the fluid will come back

Quickly

Slowly

Partially

Completely

Or...not at all

Which would obviously be the optimum desired end:)

The waiting and deciding process has been hard...and good

Hard, because it's felt like the "beginning of the end"

And I like to breathe!!

Good, because it's made me continue to fight to "set my mind on things above, things that are good and lovely" and to learn practically, not just theoretically, that God is good and even in this, yes this cancer journey, he will cause it (me) to be used for good!

That sounded like a very brave statement

But believe me...

I feel mostly very weak most of the time!

Again, your encouragements and prayer and support mean more than you can imagine:)

Thanks

PS - One more thing about tomorrow that has added heartache...

My mom entered Hospice today and I just got word that she has only hours to live before going to her eternal home

Prayer for our family is much appreciated

Thanks again

History Repeating Itself?

One of my hardest memories from the past is the last months of my dad's life

Watching him battling lung cancer

Which we now know is the very cancer that I'm battling

A rare form of mesothelioma that derives from a genetic mutation passed on from my dad

I remember...

The repeated surgeries to remove tumors from around his lungs

(Which are not able to be removed in my case)

And the fluid needing to be drained out of his lungs as it would cause shortness of breath as it built up

Sorry, if this is getting a little graphic:(

But, it is this particular memory that is really rocking my world right now

As I seem to be experiencing increasing shortness of breath

Especially when I bend over to pick something up

Is this the beginning of the end?

Is this evidence that the cancer is spreading?

Is this my dad's cancer history repeating itself in me?

Kind of an inevitable way things are moving?

It's hard not to feel that's not what's happening

Not that I've given up...

Though I might feel like doing that every day
(which I guess is what much of life can be!)

So...remembering the need to breathe deep to keep the lungs working

Cindy and I went on a short walk/run (you heard it right!) two days ago

To get me breathing deep!

It did...

But it seems to have backfired yesterday as my breathing just seemed to get worse:(

That was hard.

It's not that I'm afraid to die

I'm not

I have a rock solid hope in Jesus

And the reality of an eternal life, amazing life that is mine because of my hope in him

There just seems to be so much more living for me to do

And needing to have fluid removed from my lungs seems to be too much like the beginning of the end

Like history repeating itself

So that's where I'm at today

Needing to decide what I need to do

Needing to experience God's peace

Needing to remember again that he is good

And I am not merely my dad's history repeating itself

Thanks for listening...

PS In the meantime, Cindy and I are going to go on a little hike to enjoy life together in God's beautiful creation:)

The Cycle

I am on my fourth treatment cycle

This is how it works...

For 20 days I take an immense amount of supplements (approximately 190/day) to both attack my malignant pleural mesothelioma and to build up my body in ways that it is deficient so that it can also better defend against the enemy within

This is supported by daily detoxing and a strict diet (aka no ice cream or donuts, plus a bunch of other food items that used to be on my menu selection!)

 A cycle ends with 5 days of no supplements to give my body a break, while at the same time doing additional detoxing to rid my body of the toxins that are being produced by the attack on the cancer cells

So, a full cycle is 25 days

And I began my fourth cycle four days ago

And my body doesn't like it...at all

I feel like I have a bad case of the flu (fever and body aches) all the time

It is the way the cycles work

As the pancreatic enzymes do their work on the cancer

My body feels like there is a war going on inside of me

Which I guess there is:(

And it usually lasts for several days at the beginning of each cycle

And with it the easy mental descent into darkness...

This isn't fair for Cindy...she needs a husband, not a patient

Will this ever end?

Will I ever have "value" again?

You get the idea

I really hate feeling crappy day after day after day!

But that seems to be my season right now

For however long that is

I'm not a very faithful blogger - don't feel up-to-it much of the time

But for those of you who still read these and pray and send notes of encouragement and are supporting me in the midst of this time

Thank you! 

You can't imagine the light and hope and strength it gives to me as I walk this cancer journey

Thank you!