The Cycle

I completed on July 17th my 9th treatment cycle

Every three weeks the same cycle repeats itself

Kind of...

1. Cindy and I first meet with my oncologist to discuss my progress or concerns

And if there are any changes that need to be made to my treatment plan.

2. I have blood work done to ascertain the impact that treatment is having on my body

Positively or negatively

Things like my white blood count, red blood count and tumor markers.

3. I have my chemo and immunotherapy infusions

Where I sit in a large room with about one or two dozen other patients

Hooked up to IVs

Each of us receiving our prescribed treatments for our particular cancer.

It's pretty much the same cycle every three weeks

Lasting about 4 hours or so

Every third Friday

Rain or shine!

This part of The Cycle is pretty routine and easy

Listening to music or an audio book or doing a bit of work

While enjoying the snacks that they provide!

The ramifications are what makes The Cycle challenging:(

The Physical Ramifications

The 7-10 days following each treatment are especially tough

Due to the side effects of the chemicals that are pumped into my body at each treatment

And the additional chemicals (i.e. medicines) prescribed to counteract those side effects

That I also need to take after each treatment...

That cause other side effects!

These side effects include:

Nausea, constipation, body pain, extreme fatigue, high blood pressure, headaches, etc...

Or to sum it up...just feeling basically yucky!

With some of the side effects carrying on all the time:(

The Mental Ramifications

This might be the hardest aspect of The Cycle...

The battle in my head!

The stark realization that at least one to one and a half weeks

Out of every three weeks

I am going to feel nasty

And as the chemicals continue to accumulate in my body

The side effects and fatigue that I now live with

Will continue to be a part of my daily existence

And that this cycle...The Cycle

Is going to last a loooong time

At least two years or more

Depending on how things continue to progress!

The mental battle

With discouragement

Can be overwhelming:(

Which might seem pretty pathetic to some of you

Who are thinking

"He should just be thrilled to be alive!"

And I am

But...

So, till next time

Thank you again for listening and praying and encouraging!

I still need it:)

P.S. My last tumor markers were great, being solidly now within the normal range!

Blessings,

Dave

A White Pastor's Prayer

Below is an Opinion piece that I wrote for our local newspaper

And is running in today's edition...

I'm offering it to you not because it has anything to do with my cancer journey

But because it is something of much importance that is heavy on my mind.

Heavenly Father,

You have said that we are to weep with those who weep

That we are to treat others as we ourselves would want to be treated

And that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.

You have said that what is good and what you require of us

Is to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly before you.

You have said that being in Christ is what matters

Not one’s nationality or race or education or social position

And that Christ is equally available to all.

You have told us to pray 

“Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” 

And have given us a beautiful glimpse of heaven in the book of Revelation

Where people from every race and language and people group and nation are part of your glorious eternal plan.

And…you have said that faith without action is worthless!

It is no faith at all to say that I believe these things without truly living them out.  

It merely amounts to cheap words.

Heavenly Father,

Forgive me.  

My actions have not been a reflection of your truth.  

My actions have not demonstrated faith, but fear.  

They have not shown empathy, but apathy.

I have never deliberately shown bias against my black brother or sister.  

I do not think I could be called prejudiced.  

I have always spoken against injustice and called for equality.

But...I have not wept with those who weep.  

I have not sought to identify with and understand and feel...

The fear and humiliation and hurt experienced on a daily basis by my black brothers and sisters. 

I have never had to have a conversation with my sons...

About what to do and how to act when they are stopped by the police.  

I have never questioned the “whitewashing” of our American history 

Or the absence of African American or Native American heroes in our school books.

I have been content to build relationships with 

But not really increase in understanding of 

What it is like to grow up black or brown or yellow in the United States of America.  

I have been deluded to believe that racism is only in the South 

And that every advantage to me is also available to everyone else equally where I live and work and worship.

Forgive me Father!

I have allowed myself to be blinded by my own desire for comfort 

Instead of being willing to identify with and do something about 

The very real fears and injustices experienced by my brothers and sisters.  

I have been like the priest in the story of the Good Samaritan 

Who made a wide detour away from the wounded man on the road to Jerusalem 

Rather than risk personal injury himself.

I have been content to speak rather than act 

When your Word tells us we should lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters,

And questions our love for God if it is only with words or speech 

And not with actions or in truth.

Father, forgive me!

Show me how to love like Jesus loved.  

Help me to love my neighbor – all of them – as myself.  

Help me to weep with those who weep.  

Help me to fight injustice, to love mercy and to do it all while walking humbly before You!

In the Name of Jesus, Amen.

Good News!

I had my endoscopy a week ago today

On June 29th

The reason for the procedure was...

Because a CT scan showed a thickening of the wall of my esophagus

And I was having difficulty swallowing

Not fun and a bit...okay...a lot scary

With the concern that the cancer had spread to my esophagus.

Well...the results of the biopsies came back today

No cancer in the esophagus!

Hallelujah!!

The problem seems to be...

My diet:(

In order to gain the weight back

Of which I had lost quite a bit

I had substantially changed my menu options to include:

Bacon...yum!

Sausage...yum!

Full fat dairy, instead of reduced fat...yum!

I was also enjoying many more espresso milkshakes!!

(Hey...it was in order to gain weight!!)

You get the idea:)

The result was that it was wreaking havoc on my esophagus and stomach

Causing a hiatal hernia and greatly irritating my esophagus.

Which has greatly improved already

As I have changed my diet back to a much more austere menu:(

Which sadly means no more, at least for the time being,

Bacon, Sausage, Full Fat dairy products, Coffee (ouch!), etc...

So...very thankful for the results of the endoscopy.

One last thing...

I generally feel good

Except for the week after each chemo treatment

BUT I really struggle with feeling whooped much of the time:(

It is really hard mentally

It is hard being so weak most of the time

My body experiencing the effects of the chemo as it fights the cancer

I usually have a good cry fairly often...

Cancer and chemo is very humbling!

Thanks again for caring and praying and encouraging...

You all are a blessing to me and my family!

Dave

Uncertainty in Uncharted Territory

Today, June 26th, was my eighth chemo and immunotherapy treatment cycle

Happening, as most of you know, every three weeks

It was uneventful - a good thing

Meaning no anaphylactic reactions, passing out or experiencing heart stoppages

Which I had become rather famous for:(

And it was fairly quick

As I only receive two immunotherapy drugs and one chemotherapy drug now

The harshest chemo drug being stopped after the sixth treatment

When it could have become more detrimental than helpful.

It is also hoped that this will lessen the side effects

Though, to be frank, I feel pretty yucky right now when writing this after my treatment.

So...

For a brief report on our meeting with my doctor

And "uncertainty in uncharted territory"

After several weeks of my tumor markers going down,

My blood work three weeks ago showed my tumor markers going back up

Which is not the desired direction...

And resulted in my doctor ordering a CT scan to assess the state of my tumor.

This just created more questions and uncertainty:

The tumor remained about the same size, possibly a fraction smaller

Good news!

However...the scan also showed:

1. Increased fluid in my right lung

Not good news

2.  A thickening of the wall of the esophagus

Not good news

The result of the above being increased difficulty in swallowing.

The good news is that an "urgent request" from my doctor

Has resulted in being scheduled for an endoscopy this coming Monday, June 29th

For which we are very thankful:)

So the uncertainty...

1. My doctor does not know why the tumor markers went up

2. My doctor does not know why there is increased fluid in my right lung

3. The endoscopy on Monday will hopefully help explain why there is a thickening of the
wall of the esophagus

In uncharted territory...

My doctor made an incredible statement again today

That reinforces what he has been telling us all along

Regarding this cancer journey I am experiencing

"There is possibly no other case in the world

Where your rare genetic form of advanced pleural mesothelioma

Is showing successful treatment"

Wow!

Quite a statement, huh?!

It should make everyone consider the fact

That there is a God who still does miracles!

That we are on a very special journey together:)

Yes, I am extremely appreciative of and thankful for my doctor and his team

But, possibly the ONLY case in the world showing successful treatment?!

Why me?

I don't know...

But I am very thankful:)

And, I want to give thanks again to you all who are walking this journey with me:)

I can't express how much I value your encouragement and prayer and positive thoughts!

Blessings,

Dave

**To hope and peace and joy in the midst of uncertainty, finding certainty in God!

P.S. I will follow up with a report after the endoscopy:)

Father's Day

It's been awhile since you've heard from me

For two reasons:

1. Not a lot has changed

So what I would write would seem rather repetitive

2. What has changed has caused a lot of uncertainty and confusion

So what I would write would be rather negative and complaining

When I really have a lot to be thankful for...

I am still alive!

And making it to another Father's Day tomorrow...

Though Father's Day is not one of my favorite holidays:(

Not because we don't have amazing and wonderful children

We do

They are all incredible

And a huge blessing!

And Cindy and I are so very thankful for each of them

And the incredible individuals and fathers and mothers they are

Or, in the case of one of them, unquestionably will soon be!

It is the regret that another Father's Day brings...

For often not being the father that my children needed and deserved

As they were growing up.

For being so consumed with building

A ministry and a business

That became a blessing to many other young people

Who called me "dad" and Cindy "mom"

And yet often kept me from being the dad that my children wanted and needed.

Regret is a painful thing

It can push us to seek to heal the wounds from the past

To seek and find forgiveness

And rebuild relationships that have been damaged

But it cannot eliminate the hurt that has been done

Or the time and opportunities that have been lost

And cannot be recovered.

Regret...

I'm hoping that this brief "confession"

Might spur on any young fathers

Or mothers

Who are reading this blog

To make the most of the years you still have

With your children

While they are still in your care.

You will not regret making your children such a priority!

Thanks for listening...

Dave

P.S. My eighth chemo and immunotherapy treatment

Is this coming Friday, June 26th

40 YEARS!

Tomorrow, June 7th, is Cindy and my 40th wedding anniversary!

Which I'd like to reflect on for a few moments:)

But first...

My immunotherapy and chemotherapy treatment yesterday

Went without a hitch

Yay!

The chemo drug that has the harshest side effects

Was eliminated this time

And from now on

As six rounds is the limit to its effectiveness

Before it begins to negatively

Impact the body

More than positively impact it.

So...

We will see if the side effects are reduced this time

Which would be wonderful

As the last round definitely

Impacted me the most

As the chemo drugs have built up in my body.

I will find out on Monday or Tuesday

The latest results regarding the tumor markers...

And then my next treatment is on June 26th.

It was amazing to hear my doctor use the word "miracle" yesterday

As he described my healing progress!

I don't know about you

But that is not a typical word used by a doctor nowadays:)

NOW...

Reflections on reaching 40 years of marriage!

GRATITUDE!!

What else can describe

The fact that Cindy and I have reached this milestone

When just four months ago

It seemed like I only had days or weeks to live!

And so I am deeply grateful

Grateful for:

God's mercy

My oncologist and his team

My family and friends...YOU ALL!

CINDY

How can I capture in words

What Cindy, my wife of 40 years, means to me

And the different man I am today

Because of the 40 years God has given us together!

How can I describe the gift she is to me?

To repeat a fictitious quote from Leonardo da Vinci in the movie "Ever After"

As he described how he viewed Danielle's importance to Prince Henry

Cindy "completes me"

I have said many times

That you wouldn't want to know me

If it weren't for her the difference she has made on my life!!

I am grateful

That God, in his mercy,

Has given us 40 years

And counting!!

Thank you again, dear friends,

For walking this cancer journey with us

It has definitely been a miraculous adventure!

Blessings,

Dave

HARD WORDS. REAL WORDS.

I'm currently reading through the book of Job in the Bible

As I work my way through the Old Testament

And...

Wow!

Can I ever identify with the man, Job

And his emotions and feelings and thoughts

As he wrestled with the way his life had been

Chewed up, spit out and turned upside down.

What brutal honesty

What uncomfortable language at times

He used to describe his pain and suffering!

And in doing so

The verdict from God is...

He NEVER sinned with his words!

Meaning...

It's okay to be honest about our pain!

Which is soooo important

Is it not?

To know that God isn't upset or offended by our honesty

And that our responsibility isn't to try and make him look good

By putting on a nice "Christian" facade

But to simply cling to him and love him...

Which is liberating for me

As I've wrestled with similar thoughts as Job.

(Note: Even though God is miraculously healing my body, the mental battle is still a very present reality as I struggle with the side effects of treatment and their impact on my body and life)

To give you a glimpse from Job:

I cannot eat for sighing

My groans pour out like water

I have no peace, no quietness

If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales

They would outweigh all the sands of the sea

That is why I spoke impulsively

For the Almighty has struck me down with his arrows

Their poison infects my spirit

God's terrors are lined up against me.

I would rather be strangled-rather die than suffer like this

I despise my life

I waste away like rotting wood, like a moth-eaten coat

Oh God, you have ground me down

My spirit is crushed

God has made me sick at heart; the Almighty has terrified me

Darkness is all around me, thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere

I long for the years gone by

And now my life seeps away, depression haunts my days

At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly

So there you have it...

Brutal, honest words and emotions

That might be hard for some of you to believe

I could actually feel and think

And yet...I have and still do

In the midst of this difficult cancer journey!

And yet, at the same time, like Job

I also strongly believe the following:

True wisdom and power are found in God;

Counsel and understanding are his.

God might kill me, but I have no other hope.

But as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives,

And he will stand upon the earth at last.

And after my body has decayed,

Yet in my body I will see God!

I will see him for myself.

Yes, I will see him with my own eyes.

I am overwhelmed at the thought!

I go east, but he is not there

I go west, but I cannot find him.

I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden

I look to the south, but he is concealed.

But...he knows where I am going

And when he has tested me, I will come out as pure gold!

So...the brutality and beauty

Of the book of Job

That I hope gives you a glimpse

Both of the struggle

That batters away at my soul almost every day

And of the solid foundation

That keeps my battered soul

In the midst of this cancer storm.

Thanks again for listening...

You all are the amazing friends that Job wished he would have had:)

Dave